Honda Jazz

My idea of hell is being stuck in a dank, sniffling mass of humanity, lurching from side to side on a peak-hour train. Smelling what the mouth-breather pressed against me had for dinner last night as well as the pungent odour of the bacteria frappe living it up under his arms is not a great way to start the day.

So I'm a snob, but I'm not giving up my car to rub shoulders or other body parts with strangers, not even if petrol prices continue to match the meteoric rise of Hoyts cinema choc-top values. I'd rather ride a bike, walk, crawl, or even drive a girl's car that runs on three drops per 100km.

Yes, I know I shouldn't call them girl's cars because old women also drive them, and so do some men, often those who wear mesh-vests and leather hats. Or men who have simply given up the will to live.

Speaking of such cars, there's a new Honda Jazz out and the big kahunas at Top Gear picked me to go and drive it. Why me? Are they saying something? Do they know I bought that Kylie tour DVD? For the record, I'm perving at her, not her dancers.

Honda says the new Jazz was developed using the Man Maximum, Machine Minimum concept, which I think is its way of saying Big Man Drive Small Car. That might be the case in Japan, but in Australia Big Man tends to drive Big Car, as does Small Man who wishes he was Big Man.

Like the previous Jazz, the new one starts off at $15,990. You can't get much with a Honda badge for that kind of money, except a Buffalo Buck lawn mower or a postie bike. There are cheaper cars around, such as the Holden Barina, but frankly, it makes public transport look good.

The new Jazz looks almost identical to its smiley predecessor, which means it will also cause seemingly sane women to consider this collection of nuts, bolts and plastic to be some kind of person or pet. They'll say "he's so cute," and give it a name like Wallace.
Of course, this affection wanes somewhat in the event of a crash when the repair costs add up to more than half his value and poor old Wallace is crushed to death, his body pummeled, slashed and melted for scrap.

Despite the similarities, this Jazz is actually substantially different to the last one and has an all new body. The changes are hard to spot but the wheelbase has been increased 50mm and the width across the axles has grown by 43mm and 44mm. You could deduce that such changes would create a larger footprint and therefore improve the dynamics of the vehicle. You could, but you'd be a tool. The Jazz still goes around corners without falling over, but it's never going to be used as a rally car.

It's 152cm tall, which is exactly the same height as the last Jazz and Kylie...apparently. That's relatively short for a fully grown person, but quite tall for a car. The Jazz, not Kylie, has grown 20mm wider, which is the automotive equivalent of a smidgeon. There is, in fact, so much headroom that occupants can wear those caps with the propellers on top, although they do work best in convertibles.

The Jazz has what Honda calls Magic Seats, too. Before you get all you excited, though, it should be pointed out that by ‘magic', Honda really means ‘folding'. That's right, all the seats in the Jazz, except for the driver's, fold down. How do they do it? OK, the marketing guys might have exaggerated a bit, but the practicality of the Jazz is a highpoint.

With the front seats on place, you can fit a mountain bike (with both wheels still on) or even a surfboard if you fold the front passenger seat forward. That's all very well, but we all know the load space is more likely to be used for credit card-pummeling clothes shopping runs that make boyfriends and husbands blanche with fear. Parking is dead easy because the Jazz is so small and its power steering is lighter than a 90210 plot-line.

There are two engines available for the Jazz, the 1.3-litre for the povs and the big-bore 1.5-litre for the slightly better off. Honda has fiddled with both although the smaller one wins the ‘most improved' award as it now has four-valves per cylinder rather than two.

This allows it to breathe more, which anyone with a history of prank phone calls knows is a good thing. Power is up to 73kW, which is not too bad given the engine is not much bigger than the Buffalo Buck's, while the bigg'un manages an extra 15kW. Honda has sprayed the pistons with a slippery coating called molybdenum, which research suggests is impossible to say properly after two beers. This automotive form of baby oil allows the engines to run more efficiently and use bugger-all fuel, as low as 5.8 litres per 100km. The 1.3 also produces just 138 grams of CO2 per kilometre, which is not much more than your average cow fart.

I was given a Jazz with the smaller engine (something about me not be able to handle the power of the 1.5), but it's not so bad. You can waft around town using the bottom end, but if you are late for a Scissor Sister's concert you can wind this baby all the way to the 6000rpm redline. It struggles a bit in the higher gears, but what do expect?

A slightly notchy five-speed manual is standard, while a regular automatic with the same number of cogs costs and extra $2000. It replaces the continuously variable CVT auto of the last generation which was louder than a radio prize-winner and just as annoying.
There's nothing wrong with the new Jazz, which is a bit better than the last one. That said, I'd be lying if I said it does anything for me...until I see a train.

James Stanford