Maserati GranTurismo S

I know this will potentially offend the 12 people who've actually bought one, but I don't think we'd get on anyway, so what the hell.

Basically, it's my scientifically concluded belief that choosing a Maserati over its close cousins from Ferrari is like going all the way to Aspen, tooling yourself up like a snow bunny and then not skiing at all.

Sure, you've got all the pow(d)er you can ever handle at your disposal, but by your choice you've made it clear you'll never really use it.

As you might have guessed, I don't really get Maseratis, and our recent dalliance with the Quattroporte and the Gran Turismo has done little to change my previous impression, which is that they look super stylish and sound very pleasant, but you wouldn't really want to live with one. A bit like Madonna.

Well, that's not really fair, because I probably wouldn't ever tire of listening to the GranTurismo, mainly because its 4.2-litre V8 sounds like a slightly muffled Ferrari engine. Which it is.

Indeed, if you were rich enough to buy one of these it would be quite sensible to build a tunnel to your garage, instead of a driveway, so you could enjoy it at its very best, every day.

What our photos - as sensational as they look - can't show you is how vast this car is. The GranTurismo is two metres wide and nearly five metres long, making it more fun to park than a five-legged donkey, and weighs not far short of two tonnes (1880kg).
Perhaps the most telling tale of its design, though, is that, under the bonnet, you've got a good four feet of space between the front of the engine and the number plate. Why? Because it's all about style.

Of course, it's also about 298kW and 460Nm of grunt, which is enough to push you from 0 to 100km/h in 5.2 seconds.

That sounds fast, and indeed it feels it, too, but there are plenty of cheaper cars that will get you there a full second quicker. Clearly, that's not the point, and that's what I find weird. It's got a Ferrari heart, but, basically, this is a cruiser, not a sports car.
To be fair, it's a damn sight sportier than the Quattroporte, which left me deeply underwhelmed the week before.

The GranTurismo does at least have a sporty edge to it, and if you use its lovely, furry-lined shift paddles and give it some welly it really can be fun.
It does, however, suffer from lardiness, making it a bit of a roly poly machine around corners, but I guess if you want to attack bends you can just go and buy a Ferrari instead.

Admittedly, at $290,000???, a Maserati is a cheaper option (it will sting you at the pump, though, we saw 26.3 litres per 100km, slightly more than the claimed 14.3l/100km), but, frankly, it's not an option I could consider.

In fairness, though, absolutely everyone but me did love the GranTurismo, generally more for its style than its substance. And for that luscious noise.

Personally, I'd rather go skiing.