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David Moyes, your taxi is ready

  1. David Moyes, managerist of popular soccer franchise Manchester FC United, has today been sacked after just 10 months in charge. Taxi!

    It’s unclear where Mr Moyes shall be heading next - beyond ‘home for a quick cry’ - but upon whichever continent he chooses to ply his managerial trade, it’s fair to say he’ll need to bone up on his local taxis.

    So, Big Dave, to help you through this difficult time, we’ve put together this handy guide to taxis of the world. And if you’re not sure how to spend that rumoured £10m redundancy package, may we point you in the direction of the new limited edition Bugatti Veyron?

  2. Nissan Cedric

    Natural habitat
    The unending neon jams of downtown Tokyo.

    Distinguishing features
    Driver-operated rear door. Wing- mounted mirrors. Styling from 1981. Passenger sneeze- guard. Standard anti-massacars (essentially a giant doily) on all seats. Yellowness.

    Driving style
    Calm. Orderly. Will reply in the affirmative to any question, no matter how bizarre.

    Driver
    Polite, possibly wizened wearer of white gloves. Like a moonlighting mime.

    Performance
    Not really. The Cedric has an 85bhp LPG four-cylinder with a four-speed auto and 500k service intervals. It is not built for speed.

    Risk of death
    Low. Any Japanese taxi driver who causes a fare to raise a questioning eyebrow is required to immediately fall on his sword.

    Price
    £10 for 3km journey

  3. Mercedes E-Class

    Natural habitat
    Storming the autobahn from Tegel airport to downtown Berlin.

    Distinguishing features
    Overwhelming beigeness. Eight- figure odometer reading. Leather seats worn so shiny they boast a grip coefficient of zero. Tiny notepad stuck to windscreen, with pen on a curly cord. No one knows why.

    Driving style
    To the very limit of every motoring law, never beyond. Engagement of highest gear at every opportunity.

    Driver
    Moustache. Steely focus. Treats each fare as SAS mission. Zero smalltalk.

    Performance
    It’s a two-tonne diesel with several million miles on the clock and a preferred engine speed of 900rpm. You’re not going to be breaking any ‘Ring records…

    Risk of death
    Low. In the unlikely event of a crash, old Es are scientifically proven to be indestructible.

    Price
    £10 for a 3km journey

  4. Jeepney

    Natural habitat
    Bouncing around all over the Philippines, making eyes hurt.

    Distinguishing features
    Originally ex-WWII Jeeps, Jeepneys are a cross between a taxi and a hailable bus, much modified to carry extra fares. And to stand out. Mainly by looking like acid-trip Xmas decorations.

    Driving style
    Relaxed. Will allow passengers to pass fares along rows, and male passengers to cling to the outside of the bus when it gets a bit crowded

    Driver
    Virtually impossible to see through the tinsel. Often comes with a conductor called a ‘backride’.

    Performance
    Most Jeepneys have modern-ish Isuzu or Mitsubishi engines, but they have the power-to-weight ratio of a morbidly obese asthmatic.

    Risk of death
    Moderate. A Jeepney may not be fast, but rules and regulations are lax. Generally you can’t fall off a regular taxi.

    Price
    50p for a 3km journey

  5. Mexican Beetle

    Natural habitat
    Schlepping the 21.2 million locals around Mexico City.

    Distinguishing features
    Overwhelming greenness. Traditionally, Mexico City’s taxis were painted yellow, but in the early Nineties officials decided they should all be painted green “to give the impression of ecological transport…”

    Driving style
    If you’ve got an official one, not bad. If you’re in a ‘pirata’ taxi, probably really quite scary.

    Driver
    Again, if you’re in an official cab, courteous. If not, likely armed and dangerous.

    Performance
    Slow and smoky. The ‘ecological’ upgrades stretched no further than a coat of green paint, so we’re talking an ancient air-cooled engine and Fifties tech. But, hey, at least they were built just round the corner in Puebla…

    Risk of death
    High. Official advice is that you should never hail a cab off the street, and you should always check for the official taxi- cab license plate.

    Price
    $2 for a 3km journey

  6. Nurburgring Taxi

    Natural habitat
    Endlessly lapping the 20.832km of the Nürburgring Nordschleife.

    Distinguishing features
    Generally spotted annihilating the ‘Ring, this peculiar taxi is usually a white BMW M3/M5 saloon, sporting the legendary tricolour M-Power livery. It really is a taxi; says so on the side and everything.

    Driving style
    Fast, clean, prone to showboating at Bergwerk, if provoked by shouty passengers.

    Driver
    Driven by either a BMW pro-instructor or an actual racing driver. Not rubbish.

    Performance
    Fast. The bald stats speak for themselves: tyres replaced every 10 laps, brakes every 20 laps and the entire suspension every 50 laps. Every lap costs BMW roughly 450 euros. So this is a loss- making taxi ride…

    Risk of death
    Low. The speeds may be high, but the drivers are exceptional and know The Green Hell backwards. Laundry bills can be… high.

    Price
    195 euros for a 21km journey

  7. Russian Air Taxi

    Natural habitat
    The sky over mainland Russia, flitting between regional capitals.

    Distinguishing features

    The bright-orange Swiss-made Pilatus PC-12 turboprops are a giveaway. And the fact that they’re aeroplanes. Book online, pick-up at convenient local airport, pay per km.

    Driving style
    Russia’s first ‘air-taxi’ service prides itself on being better than Aeroflot. Apparently the PC-12 is very easy to fly, with excellent navigation. Which helps…

    Performance
    Single Pratt & Whitney Canada PT6 turboprop. Cruises at 500kph and can carry 1,500kg and six passengers, with a range of 4,000km. The PC-12 has been landed on gravel runways and at -43°. Which is also good to know.

    Risk of death
    Low. Considering most short-haul Russian airlines have fairly ropey safety records, Dexter Taxis look like the best bet for Russian air-commuting.

    Driver
    Qualified pilots, thankfully, but a woeful lack of cabin crew, so bring your own beluga.

    Price
    RUB160 (about 4 Euros) per km

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