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Top Gear: the anthology of poetry

  1. “A loud bang occurs.
    The sound of laughter galore.
    Burning caravan”

    Nienke Venhuizen

    Yesterday was National Poetry Day in the UK. On a whim, we decided to note this august occasion by asking the gathered readers of our Top Gear Facebook page to contribute their finest odes to our pokey little television programme.

    And the muse is clearly strong with you all. Haikus, sonnets, limericks and doggerel abound over the following pages, where we have collated the very best. The current Poet Laureate is Carol Ann Duffy. She has some serious competition.

    Please do add your own entries in the handy space below… 

  2. How does one describe the show,
    That most Americans, do not know?
    The show of cars, of challenges, of men,
    That takes place in the land of Great Britain?

    There is no recipe, there is no way
    To fully describe, the man James May.
    Nor is there limit, to the time you must lend,
    To view all the quarrels, of Richard Hammond.

    And Jeremy Clarkson, what exactly is he?
    A large man for sure, who thinks small cars are sweeeet.
    This is the place, where no car can move slow,
    In the hands of the Stig, whose name we don’t know

    Add it all, with a flick of over-steer,
    And you’ve got yourself, the show called Top Gear.

    Sean Etter

  3. Testing the Veyron,
    Oh no, a horrible curse!
    Captain Slow driving.

    Elvis Stoyanov

  4. Clarkson and Hammond and May
    All get to drive cars for a day
    They turn and they burn
    With not the slightest concern
    For just what the others will say

    Now Jeremy’s always the fool
    And Richard’s too short to be cool
    And as for James May
    Well what can you say?
    Was he even this dorky at school?

    But now I must cease and desist
    From adding insults to this list
    Just one thing to say
    If just for today
    That Top gear is not to be missed.

    Jonathan Shaw

  5. A Fiat Panda.
    Causing traffic on M1.
    James May, Captain Slow.

    Aaron Chados

  6. Clarkson, Hammond, and even Mr. May,
    Unlikely trio most would say.
    One thing in common is but a dream,
    To become the Stig, the ultimate racing machine.
    They’ve ventured the world, had guests from afar,
    Raced round the track, always raising the bar.
    They’ve challenged each other with their pick of wheels,
    Pulling pranks and tricks, so the lead they can steal.
    There’s been laughs, fights and tears even shed.
    These three have gone where others dare tread.
    They’ve hung on cliff’s edge and battled the road.
    The pro’s and the con’s of many cars they showed.
    The entertainment they brought to this gear head was big,
    And I, too, wish I was the Stig.

    Melissa Mros

  7. Some Say, He cant boil peas
    Some Say, He’s poisonous to trees
    Some Say, He does his washing-up in bed
    Some Say, He has a spare leg in his head
    Some Say, He exercises on his roof
    Some Say, He never was a youth
    Some Say, He got arrested for assaulting the future
    Some Say, He combs his hair with his computer
    Some Say, He once fell up three hundred steps
    Some Say, He has a phobia of films of Johnny Depp’s
    Some Say, He once ate a lion tracker
    Some Say, He’s Michael Schumacher
    Some Say, He isn’t and I agree
    He can’t be, ‘cos it’s ME!

    Jed Baldwin

  8. An Opel Cadet.
    In a Botswana river.
    He screams, “OLIVER!”

    Aaron Chados

  9. A haiku for cars.
    Want to arrive there quickly?
    Do not let May drive.

    Wojciech Budzyla


  10. Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Is Michael Schumacher
    really the Stig?
    Mien Gott, Top Gear
    I love you!!!

    Ligeia Suena 

  11. Porsche 911 GT3 RS
    Now that’s poetry ^^

    Toby Ullman

  12. Reliant Robin
    Best British car ever built
    Naff off Jeremy

    Neil Gerace

  13. A loud bang occurs
    the sound of laughter galore
    burning caravan

    Nienke Venhuizen

  14. Hammond, Clarkson, May,
    with Stig, reasonably priced.
    How hard can it be?

    Lee Haynes

  15. The ride was quite hard
    I knew this could only mean
    Nürburgring version.

    Mike O’Connor

  16. There once was a man called Stig
    He wore neither hat nor wig
    Only a white helmet to hide
    His face and a smile so wide
    As he powered through the corner
    His foot down on the break
    The tires squealed and left a great streak
    He never ground a gear or stalled out
    And his great mystery left all the girls in a pout

    Hammond, Clarkson, and May
    He would drive loops around them all day
    They could be in McLauren, Bugatti, or Lambo
    There was no chance of ever catching this driving Rambo
    He words were few; he did not need to speak
    But when he drove by, people did stop
    To have a look, many a jaw would drop
    Leaving people to ponder,
    Who the hell is this tame racing driver?

    Ali Sips

  17. No TV at home
    Watching top gear on Netflix
    Wife thinks I am mad

    Luis Ruvalcaba

  18. James drives far too slow
    The Stig looks on in disgust
    Jeremy just laughs

    John Roden

  19. May, he has long hair
    Clarkson, he is very tall
    Hammond, he is not

    James Jabulani Halllinan

  20. Glorified Beetle
    Engine incorrectly placed
    Teeth and knuckles: white

    Landin Ryan

  21. Hearing the sound of the open throttle
    Oh how I wonder who it must be as Chicago comes around on gear 3
    Is it Captain Slow?
    Oh how I must wonder, but I cannot hear any mumbling, just the sound of thunder
    Is it Hammond?
    No. This man sees over the wheel
    And his teeth do not glisten like the jewels of the Queen’s steel.
    Oh no!
    Then yes it must be
    The sound of more power racing through my TV
    The sound of the Ford GT
    The sound of a man with E.D
    His name Jeremy
    Oh but a lonely man sits by the rocks and plays with his twig
    His name , the Stig
    This is Top Gear.

    Paul Corigliano

  22. Jezza, Hamster, Captain Slow,
    Driven to success,
    Each brings something close to heart,
    Power, speed, finesse.

    Lisa Cherrett

  23. They say Hammond’s from the United States
    Because he loves chromium, Fords and
    only eats steaks.

    Give May a Dacia Sandero and he’s
    good to go, though he should have arrived
    hours ago.

    With an Aston Martin Clarkson is satisfied,
    driving to the recording studio or countryside.

    And the Stig should not be an author,
    no matter how good the publishing offer.

    Pete Pavlenko

  24. There once was a driver called Stig,
    Who’s head was so white and so big
    He slammed all the gears,
    He spun his Goodyears
    And some say he eats only pig.

    Panos Spyropoulos

  25. Three blokes, some cars,
    Budget wheels with stars.
    Opinions that vary,
    In styles so contrary.
    With features that rock,
    In a style that can shock,
    Entertain and unfold,
    Automotive gold.

    Chris Cordes

  26. Through the storm and heavy rain
    On ice, on sand or tarmac plain
    People, driving there’s insane.

    Guys three, drive boldly there,
    Eager, death in eyes they stare.
    And even if your not a petrolhead,
    Rise, applaud, don’t be mislead.

    Darko Popovic

  27. Since I was a small child,
    No older than six or maybe seven,
    Motors have driven me wild,
    I dreamed of a V8 heaven.

    From Vauxhalls to Rollers,
    Golfs, Fiestas and Corollas,
    Rotaries and straight sixes,
    All spurred on by my dad’s under bonnet fixes.

    I remember Quentin and Noel when I was a lad,
    Now it’s Jezza, May and Hamster driving us mad!

    I found a passion for the peddle,
    That makes me go faster,
    On teenage road trips from Brighton to Lancaster!

    The Allman Brothers’ Jessica would be all I could hear and still is, even now, on the modern classic, the awesome TOP GEAR!

    Scott Wigglesworth

  28. It was the day before Christmas, and all round the track.
    The lads were racing, James May at the back.
    Tyre’ were squealing, and engines were hot.
    Going around Hammerhead, with all the power they got.
    When all of a sudden, Jezza spied a Stig.
    In his rear view mirror, wearing Barrichello’s wig.
    After passing May and up Hammond’s rear end,
    He shifted into top gear and took him on the bend.
    With just Jeremy to pass, and cross the line.
    He cut the corner, To save some time.
    Coming up to Gambon, they were neck and neck.
    When all of a sudden, James May from the back.
    Drifted between the middle of the two, and the sign of the loser, he got to do.

    Lenny Ryan

  29. Captain slow drives in granny mode cruise control, hamster has the wheel(s) explode like the stig through new from old, jezza needs to stop those moans n mockin’ different area codes across the globe, as we all know top gear the on point show for petrol heads who can’t let go, speeds ahead like a nos can unleashed in flow even the celebs clamber to give it a go, will it ever end probably no as warms up that inner engine in the wintery snow…

    London Lyricism

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