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The national media is awash with reports of a Stig impersonator terrorising the North West of England.

Earlier this week, dad-of-two Martin Perzylo spotted a white-suited man in a Porsche on the M6 near Blackpool. He followed the driver into a service station before posing for a photo with the in-no-way-completely-unconvincing imposter (above left).

“I was really chuffed to meet him and told all my mates about it,” said Mr Perzylo, who is not reported to have any problems with his eyesight. “He began to take his helmet off, I saw the whole bottom part of his face when I called out.”

“One of his bodyguards saw me and he pushed the Stig’s helmet back on,” continued the credulous Mr Perzylo. “I went up to him and he agreed to have his photo taken with me.”

This Stig imposter is clearly a menace to society. Ever conscious of our public duty, has put together a series of step-by-step questions that you should ask yourself upon encountering anyone you suspect of being the Stig. Stay vigilant!

1. Is the suspect approximately the height of a small child?
If the suspect is approximately the height of a small child, it is unlikely to be the Stig. The Stig is not the height of a small child. Unless you are standing a long way away from him.

2. Does the suspect’s race suit look like that worn by the Stig?
If the suspect’s race suit looks somewhat different to that worn by the Stig, it is unlikely be the Stig. The Stig’s race suit looks very much like that worn by the Stig.

3. Are you at a service station in the North West of England?
If you are at a service station in the North West of England, you are unlikely to encounter the Stig. The Stig rarely frequents service stations in the North West of England. Some say this is for religious reasons.

4. Are you overpowered by the unmistakeable smell of raw horsemeat and hot engine oil?
If the suspect exudes a normal human odour – sweat, chocolate, Lynx Africa – it is unlikely to be the Stig.The Stig’s smell is unique, unforgettable and lightly harrowing.

5. Have you become overexcited and slightly short on critical judgment, perhaps as a result of sunstroke?
If you’ve recently spent too much time outdoors in our recent heatwave, it is possible that you may mistake someone who doesn’t really look much like the Stig for the Stig. Go and lie down in a dark room for a while.

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