BMW

1 Series

£15,415 - £33,415

Although it's a good small car, this is probably a niche too far for the brand. Despite looking quite smart as a saloon, it has the distinct whiff of a poor man's 3-Series.

1 Series Cabriolet

Although it's a good small car, this is probably a niche too far for the brand. Despite looking quite smart as a saloon, it has the distinct whiff of a poor man's 3-Series.

1 Series Coupe

Although it's a good small car, this is probably a niche too far for the brand. Despite looking quite smart as a saloon, it has the distinct whiff of a poor man's 3-Series.

3 Series

£20,375 - £56,300

A victim of its own success in that everyone on the planet owns one, so forget ideas of premium status. But for real drivers this is still Earth's best small saloon car.

3 Series Cabriolet

A victim of its own success in that everyone on the planet owns one, so forget ideas of premium status. But for real drivers this is still Earth's best small saloon car.

3 Series Touring

Says 'I’m a middle-management middleweight' slightly less than the 3-Series coupe or saloon, and drives very nearly as well. All good, then.

5 Series

£26,215 - £66,780

You have to drive it to understand. It's all in the body control, the rear-drive chassis, the sweet steering. Challenging looks soften with familiarity. Find the money.

5 Series Touring

In M5 Touring guise, massively desirable. In non-M guise, slightly less desirable but probably a better idea unless you want to get on first name terms with your local petrol station cashier.

6 Series

£47,715 - £88,150

Huge, flash coupe with more attitude than a class of 15-year-olds and looks that even its own mother would be hard pushed to love. Old school GT superiority.

6 Series Convertible

Huge, flash coupe with more attitude than a class of 15-year-olds and looks that even its own mother would be hard pushed to love. Old school GT superiority.

7 Series

£51,000 - £84,500

Another Beemer still having therapy after seeing its reflection for the first time, but it oozes the confidence needed to carry off those chiselled limo looks. Pure class.

M3

Tragically this totally formidable performance icon has attracted so many gits over the years it has become borderline naff. But it's so scintillating you might risk it...

M5

No motoring nut requires a V10-powered sledgehammer to crack it. OK, but then you press the M-button. It is warp, it is g-spot, it is England winning the World Cup...

M6

A sharp tool to do a job, but at this level you might be looking for something that looks sexy and classy rather than a GT fashioned from slightly melted Stickle-Bricks.

X3

£28,595 - £38,585

Savagely disappointing compact SUV that will leave hoardes of trusting buyers trying to figure out how BMW got it so wrong. Rides like a pogo stick on a cattle grid.

X5

£39,150 - £53,570

You won't be liked - nobody who can afford an imposing, seven-seat behemoth should expect popularity. But it's mainly jealousy. That and very grudging respect.

X6

£41,105 - £52,880

Sorry, what was the question again? If you thought Mercedes was stretching the boundaries of possible niches, then check out this SUV/coupe.

Z4

£23,400 - £42,850

Flamboyance meets granite-spec solidity. Rakish looks, rock-hard ride, serious performance and a superfast hood. Dynamically shy of the Boxster, but still ace.

Z4M/Coupe

More hardcore than the foundations of the Olympic village. You can't approach it half-heartedly and they all know that. A classic now, a proper classic in the future.