Features

And if they were to chase me on foot I'd get away, because it's hard to run when you're encased in leather. That's why cows are so slow.

At this point, I'm sure, some of you will be accusing me of hypocrisy because I've spent the last 15 years enthusing about loud cars. This is true. I love the sound of an American V8 or an Italian V12. I love the way cars bark, and bellow and wail.

And sure, Hammond and May like the sound of a massively amplified mosquito. They probably like burglar alarms, too. And drum 'n' bass. Or bass 'n' drum as Hammond called it the other day.

But here's the thing. Most of the noise that comes from a modern car is made by the tyres. And that is now being addressed by dimpled road surfaces that collect the sound and absorb it into the earth.

Only a very few cars are truly noisy, and they're owned by people who would never dream of accelerating high enough into the rev band for that little valve in the exhaust to work its acoustic magic.

I'd like to bet that the majority of people reading this have never heard a Ferrari or an Aston at full chat. Whereas everyone, except for a handful of sheep farmers on Dartmoor, knows exactly what a bike sounds like at speed. Because all bikes are noisy, there are thousands of them and they're bought specifically to be thrill machines.

I say again: they can be just that, without pissing everyone else off. If Hammond and May want to try and be frightening and rebellious, that is, of course, fine.

I don't care if they go to the woods every night and drink one another's blood; they can sacrifice as many goats as takes their collective fancy. But what they're being at the moment, with their loud exhaust pipes is annoying. And that's not cool at all.