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In the old days I could sit down to dinner in the brasserie and rant all night about how dreadful French driving is. Now I'm forced to whitter on about how marvellous the bread is, just like everyone else.

That's not the end. I've been to Spain recently too, and something similar is going on there.

Not so long ago driving through Spain was a simple matter of marvelling at the quality of the roads we've paid for and swerving around corpses and the wreckage of old Seats, but now it's all 'after you, hombre' and using the indicators.

Again, I managed to convince myself that this was the work of British people who keep a small hatchback at their holiday villa, but the fact is that at least one of the drivers I encountered was wearing one of those Don Juan deMarco waistcoats, so he was definitely a Spaniard.

This is terrible. I want to be able to rant with a clear conscience about their fish-thieving, but it's difficult while they're all being so bloody nice to me. I hope to God I never have to go to the Ukraine again.

If they turn out to be driving around in a dignified and courteous manner instead of hooning around in broken Volgas while whacked on hooky vodka, my life will be ruined.

Whatever next? Germans driving slowly? Welsh people driving quickly? The Belgians being funny?

It's like waking up one day to discover that Jeremy has become a reasonable, balanced sort of bloke and Richard Hammond doesn't want a fight.

For a few days it would be great, but then I'd want them to go back to being an arse and a pain in the arse respectively and calling me Captain Slow all the time, because I actually prefer them that way.

Forget the constitution, or the currency, or the rules on competition. Just stop this appalling driving reasonableness. It's destroying Europe. Vive la différence, as they say in Italy.