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Seen the latest Renault Clio advert? It's a game of one-upmanship, with this French bint talking up the Frogs with typically slimy, underhand tactics, while this good, honest British Tommy does us proud defending Queen and Country.

She boasts about that piece of scabrous scaffolding, the Eiffel Tower, and he responds with Blackpool Tower, his unique, native wit shinning through.

And so it goes, the harlot exploiting every ill-gotten, duplicitous means possible to overcome the attitude of stoical fair play in our hero, mentioning pointless things like food and cinema and philosophy, while the Noble Guardian of Albion is having none of it.

He holds off the savage attacks with his lion-emblazoned shield and, like one of Henry V's archers at Agincourt, firing perfectly measured ripostes back over the ENGLISH channel.

Incidentally, despite provocation, his characteristic modesty means he refrains from playing the trump card, the British Empire...

The arduous battle continues for our fearless gent, keeping a straight bat to beat away Baudelaire and JP Sartre, the spirit of Nelson facing down the malicious, Napoleonic dwarf in the French floozy.

In the end she says, 'city of romance' in reference to that dump, Paris, and he says 'easy darling' or something like it, probably wondering about how quickly he can get her to take on British citizenship.

So to recap in the proper manner; Bulldog warriors - surrender monkeys; fry-up - frogs legs; The Sun newspaper - boffs in berets reading books. Which just leaves me to say, on defiant behalf of this unbowed island race, UP YOURS, DELORES!!

Robert Bright

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