Astonishingly, however, a significant chunk of his ministers have decided to ditch the Jag and have the Toyota instead. And now, even though the road transport minister recently called them all 'salad eaters', you can be sure they'll start to wear their hearts on our sleeves as well.

It's already happening. Bit by bit. Little by little. The speed limit in a contraflow used to be 50. Now, in the roadworks on Oxford's bypass, it's 10. Ten!

And to make sure you don't go faster, you're led, convoy style by a car with orange lights on its roof.

Meanwhile, planning permission to convert an air field into a test track for Top Gear was refused. Because of road rage, apparently. And because of pollution. And the noise. This would be the noise of Terry Wogan in a Suzuki Liana presumably.

The message is clear. Employment. Enjoyment for 500 million people around the world. Better value from the licence fee. Kudos for the area. All ignored because in 2006, cars are bad.

That's why we're going to see big taxes on all cars with big engines. We're going to see 4x4s banned from cities. We're going to see more pedestrianisation, more bus lanes, more stuff and more nonsense. Anyone who buys a tasty car will be bled dry by the taxman and then made to feel guilty by dirty looks.

And you can forget speed cameras. I absolutely guarantee that within my lifetime, there will be constant satellite surveillance on every car, all the time. Anyone who breaks the limit will be fined. Not because they were a danger to themselves or others. But because they were a danger to the planet.

Currently, the BBC is hosting a giant experiment into global warming. I suggest you log on and tell them to eff off. I mean it.

Already, we're seeing large numbers of people on the streets protesting about the animal rights protesters. And we need the same thing from the car lobby. A movement against the movement. Because if we just sit here tutting, one day soon, the asteroid will hit.

That's bad for you. But it's catastrophic for me. No more decent cars. And no more television. I really will be screwed.