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The whole point of a Lamborghini, as we've explained many times, is that you want one because you're not interested in buying into racing heritage or thoroughbred provenance. That's for Ferrari and Maserati owners.

Lamborghini is a bit of an upstart, and you have to demonstrate that you realise as much. A black one suggests that you believe in it, which would be ridiculous. Lamborghinis are a bit vulgar and as such should be celebrated openly with something like the orange. Or that bathroom blue. But he just didn't get it.

And this is what surprises me. JC is a self-styled champion of vulgarity. For example, I happen to know he has a very large TV set and electronic garden gates. He attends footballers' parties and once boasted of going to London's 'biggest restaurant'. But here he is, on the verge of acquiring the automotive medallion of gauche, and he's worried about drawing too much attention to himself.

But no worry, because, as with most posh car showrooms, the Lamborghini one provided a selection of painted metal strips and upholstered squares with which the discerning customer can experiment with colour combinations before signing the order form. Playing with these is a pretty good game in itself, and almost as much fun as trying on the frames in Specsavers.

So, out of interest, I tried the green/black paint with the orange leather. It was awful. It made me think of coffee mugs with 'world's greatest golfer' written on them, or 'amusing' doorbell chimes.

On the other hand, the orange paint with the creamy pale perforated leather looked like the colour scheme of a man who didn't give a bull's arse about what other people thought, and this, I decided, was what Jezza should have.

So I gathered them up and dived between him and the salesman, waving them around. But he snorted, and then continued talking to the dealer about the price of the cupholder option.

So I tried the bathroom-blue paintwork with a dark-blue plain leather, which looked utterly glorious. Again I approached the man with the Bang & Olufsen mobile, only to be dismissed because he was deep in conversation about service intervals.

In desperation, I even tried white paintwork with black leather. This time I found him discussing residual values. I really do think the man may have lost it entirely and turned into an executive.

This is the first time I've ever failed at this game with someone I know well. I have a recurring dream in which Jeremy is on fire and I have a fire extinguisher but can't get the pin out. Even so, I can't stand by and watch him buy the wrong Lamborghini.

So it's over to you. Write to Jeremy at the Top Gear Magazine address. You don't even need to include a letter. Just remember to mark your envelope, 'James is right, as usual'.