Features

Where do cars rank on your personal scale of all things good?
I like cars, but I'm not a car man. I'm not very genned up on bhp 'n' all that

Can you tell us how you make donuts?
Flour, milk and eggs to create the batter mixture. Don't deep fry 'em because they absorb all the oil

You've got all weekend to drive from London to the south of France; what's the car, who's in the passenger seat
An Aston Martin DB5. With the wife, because she'd kill me if I took anyone else.

And what's on the stereo?
Level 42 for me, some Elvis for the wife.

When was the last time you knowingly broke the law in a car?
Not recently. I've been done in the past so I'm squeaky clean now. Oh, I might have driven the wrong way up a one-way street.

What's your earliest memory of a car?
My aunt's powder-blue Triumph Herald. With a Road Runner sticker on the back.

When were you happiest in a car?
It's got to be me in the driving seat, on me own. Definitely not with the wife in the passenger seat.

Does the shape of your genitals affect the way you drive?
Testosterone makes a difference. It's not specifically about genitalia, but I think if you've got a small one you drive more aggressively.

Who or what caused your worst car crash?
Me. I was spinning the wheels of an MGF in a shale car park with Ricky Tomlinson next to me, when I lost control and hit the portable toilets.

What made you last get around to cleaning your car?
I just had time on my hands and felt the urge. I valeted it inside and out, and it took about five hours. The satisfaction was incredible.

What winds you up about other drivers?
Not thanking me.

What's the secret of pulling at the traffic lights?
It depends on the car, but no spinach in your teeth.

Is there a car you are contractually obliged to plug?
No. But I'd like to plug an Audi Q7 if they're keen.