Features

And today it's still being used in the fight against the Taliban and the insurgents in Iraq. Unfortunately, while the Americans have replaced their Jeeps with Humvees and moved on, Britain is using a car that's based on a WW2 relic. The Land Rover Defender.

I had the honour of being allowed to drive an Army Land Rover when I was in Basra last year, and honestly, it was like stepping back through a 200-year time portal. I've seen trees grow faster. And it was more top-heavy than a mushroom.

Much to the amusement of the Americans, they're called Snatch Vehicles and they're supposed to get troops into and out of a battlefield quickly. Yeah, right. If you try to do anything quickly they fall over and the only reason they don't is because they are fitted with the smallest engines in the world.

They put me in the driver's seat and feigned an attack on my 'wing man'. I screeched to a halt, the soldiers in the back leaped out, the 'injured' from the other vehicle were brought on board, a grenade was lobbed into the other vehicle to stop it falling into enemy hands and then, as the back door on my car slammed shut, the sergeant shouted in that Army, boomy way, "Go, go, go!"

I tried. Really, I did try. But we set off at a speed even Jane Austen would call pedestrian. And yet, despite the slowness, as I swung us round to get us away from the 'trouble', I thought we were going to roll over and crush the men who were poking out of turrets on the roof giving what they call top cover.

We are told that Britain is getting its arse kicked in southern Iraq and I'm not surprised. Never mind better housing, better vests, and better hospitals - all of which are important - what our troops need is better, faster, less top-heavy transport.

I keep thinking of the Bowler Wildcat, fitted with flame-throwers and machine guns. That's what the SAS would have chosen if it were 1943 and they were up against Rommel.

Then there's my Land Rover, which has a 3.9-litre V8. That's what the Army would have been given when Britain was an empire run by an empress, or even a kingdom, ruled by a king. But of course today we're a country run by a, er, man, so it won't happen.

The plan at present is to replace the Land Rovers with a vehicle called the Panther. It looks like a mini Humvee, and is designed specifically for the military, so it paints a low radar image, goes pretty fast and can be fitted with whatever level of armour the commanders see fit.

Great, but it's made by Iveco, which is owned by Fiat, and that of course is fine... for now. But Fiat is not in rude health at the moment, so in the future it may well be bought.

And that's where things get tricky. Bought by whom? The Chinese? The Libyans? The North Koreans? Who may decide the best sort of armour plating, actually, is cardboard.

Really and truly, British troops should use British equipment. They should use Land Rovers, and Land Rover should be working on a new Defender now, with that in mind. But instead, they're working out how to survive in a world when bear-obsessed dizzy women no longer want Range Rovers.

This means our troops will soon be asked to defend our nation from the seat of a North Korean Fiat Uno. So, there we are then. It seems we're in a race. Whether we kill the polar bears before they have a chance to kill us.

Other Jeremy Clarkson Articles
Jeremy Clarkson Home Page
Jeremy Clarkson - Shaken, Not Stirred
Jeremy Clarkson - Joins the Fast Lane
Jeremy Clarkson - The Germans

Other Car Reviews
Mercedes C-Class
Mercedes E-Class
Audi A4
Audi A6