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The past 15 minutes have been spent explaining the reasoning behind today's prize fight - the subtleties of why BMW's 125i Coupe is involving itself in a fraternal battle between two3-door VWs. The Stig may or may not be listening. It's hard to tell because Stiglet has remained motionless for the entire quarter hour, apparently staring at a point just below my chin, exuding a scent somewhere on the olfactory cusp between pear drops and ethanol. Babbling eventually becomes involved, mainly because I realise that the Stig is sweating, if I'm not very much mistaken, petrol.

Half a minute later, as I'm trying to explain whya 3.0-litre BMW is actually badged 125i, a VW Scirocco pokes a wide, flat nose onto the TG test track, and the Stig swivels like he's mounted on some sort of greasy gimbal. Then he holds out a gloved hand and beckons, Matrix style. It takesme a minute to work out what he's asking for. Keys. He wants the keys.

The Scirocco has obviously pinged the Stig's performance radar, and well it should; this is near-as-dammit the car we'll be getting here in September, a Scirocco GT with a 2.0-litre turbo four-cylinder, 197bhp, adaptive chassis control (ACC) and a shape that will make an Evo or STi swallow its tongue.For control purposes, we've brought the Scirocco's closest rival from the VW portfolio, the Golf GTI3-door, to see whether the Scirocco has the guts to match the visual glory. The GTI might wear a more practical skin, but it has a very similar engine, the same optional DSG dual-clutch gearbox and more than one award to its name.

But we're not just here to referee a style versus practicality bout; to give the Wolfsburg pair something to think about, BMW's 125i Coupe has also been drafted in to put all that hot-hatchery into perspective. Three doors, six cylinders, two rear-driven wheels. That's the kind of mathematics that appeal to the Stig. At least I think they do, because The Helmet keeps painting big black elevens all over the infield every time he jumps into the Beemer.

If you have eyes, it's obvious the 1-series Coupeis the most comfortably proportioned baby BMW, the softly duck-tailed boot balancing the long bonnet better than the stump-rumped hatch. There's still an uncomfortable banana shape hanging along the door sills, but sat on big wheels and in a vibrant blue,the 1-series looks grown-up.

The GTI, on the other hand, looks pert and neat. The profile is squarer,the hatchback shape a little less sexy, but also lending it less of a Marmite air - you might love or hate a1-series Coupe, but it's unlikely that anyone will get offended by the everyman Golf. Turns out it doesn't matter either way, because both suddenly look tall, narrow and brain-clenchingly dull as soon as the Scirocco turns up.