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No, come to think of it, I wouldn't. If I were a caravannist, with a family to feed and a modest income, what I'd actually do is kill myself.

What I'm bothered about though is what happens when you take value for money out of the equation. When you are making a purchasing decision in which dealer service, fuel economy, carbon dioxide and government tax bands are not an issue. In short: what I'm bothered about is why don't I want a Porsche.

It's not the badge. Speak this quietly, but I was the only person in the world who wanted a 924. I knew that it had an engine from a Volkswagen van and that it took six years to get from zero to 60mph and that it cost a million pounds and you were only paying for the badge. But it had pinstripe velour seats, and I liked that.

And then they fitted flared wheel arches and a new four-cylinder 2.5-litre engine to create the 944. I wanted one of those so much I ached. In fact, if I were to draw up a list of the 10 best cars I've ever driven, the 944 turbo would certainly be included. You can buy them these days for five grand.

By rights, I should hate the 928. It was the first press test car I ever crashed. And I used one to go and see my dad the day before he died. I also disliked the dreadful ride quality in later models. And yet, even today, when one grumbles by, my head does the full Linda Blair. It is, I think, one of the best-looking cars ever made.

So what's happened? Why did I used to like Porsches and now I don't?

Image? Well, yes, there was a time when a flat-nosed, guards red 911 with a whale tail spoiler was an automotive precursor to the imminent arrival of a twat. But since then, the cocks have been through the BMW phase and are now tailgating your arse with big, fast Audis. So what's stopping me?

Happily, I think I have an answer. In the old days, Porsches were flawed and a bit flamboyant. The 944 had flared arches. The 924 had a van engine. The 928 had chequered flag seating. In brown. You got the impression they were designed by people who understood the whole business of cars. Not just how to make them go round corners.

Today though, I have the impression that Porsches are built by people who have an enormous collection of small screwdrivers. They really like choosing the exact composition of the tyres and the precise calibration of the fuel injectors. This is why the engine bay of a 911 looks like the back of a washing machine. It's because it was developed by engineers, possibly the best in the business, and they don't really care about aesthetics. They only want to build an equation, a formula, which will go round the Nürburgring as quickly as possible.

So, when you buy a modern Porsche, you are demonstrating to the world that you are very interested in driving. And being 'very interested in driving' means that, for you, it is a hobby.

This is bad. Hobbies are for people who were caught masturbating as a child. They were told by their mothers that it'd drop off unless they got out of bed and did something useful. So they did. They built model planes and collected stamps. Some may have taken up ornithology. This will have made them very unpopular with their peers who could think of many more exciting things to do with bushes and birds. Show me someone in a 911, and I'll show you someone who was bullied at school.

I have no statistics to hand, but I bet a great many golfists drive 911s. It's because of what their mums told them. That they must have a way of filling their time that doesn't include shuffling off to the loo with Asian Babes. They are not wankers, then. And that, weirdly, is exactly the problem.