Features

I also think we should try out a similar system on the roads because so far as I can tell, all the really big problems are not caused by speeding, or power-sliding round roundabouts. No, they are caused by people who are thick. Take inconsiderate parking as a prime example. Stephen Fry would not leave his car across someone's drive. The Duke of Edinburgh would not double-park in a narrow street. And Stephen Hawking would not leave the back end of his wheelchair sticking out into the traffic. That's because these are clever men who think about the consequences of their actions. Morons, on the other hand, do not.

They don't have the brain capacity. They think, "I want to go there so I shall park here." Any further thinking could cause their whole head to boil, and, as a result, they should not be at the wheel of a car. I think much the same of people who drive very quickly past schools. I don't do this. If you have read this far without exploding from the effort, you probably don't either. But Jason, in his lime green Saxo thinks, "I am with a girl. If I drive fast down here, she will sleep with me. That is good."

In this respect, they are like lobsters. Proportionately speaking, lobsters are the least intelligent creatures alive, apart from Wayne Rooney. If they were the size of a man, their brains would still only be the size of pin heads. As a result, they know to eat, shag and bite your finger if you try to put them in a pot of boiling water with a bay leaf. And would you give a lobster a driving licence? Quite.

Only this morning, I drove up the A44 behind a man who was driving at 30. Maybe he doesn’t like speed. Or maybe he's been hard hit by the fuel crisis. Both of these are perfectly good reasons for travelling at the same speed as the Pope. But to shake your fist and flash your lights when you are overtaken suggests that, most of all, you're a cloven-hoofed imbecile. If I were in power, I would remove his licence, his car and all his money so he could never buy another.I would also remove his testicles to ensure his seed does not get into the gene pool.

In the meantime, however, I propose we do away with the driving test which demonstrates only that you can reverse round a corner. A cow could do that if you could somehow get it behind the wheel. And what's the point of the multiple choice theory section? That you can operate a pencil and that you are lucky. Neither will stand you in good stead when it's raining and late and you're trying to get out of Burton-on-Trent. Instead, I suggest we ask everyone to sit an IQ test. A high mark indicates the candidate is bright enough to work out what the controls in the car do and how that car should be driven in various different conditions.

I have no clue where the benchmark should be, but we set a number, and anyone who fails to make the grade is forced to do football instead. This way, there would be no need for speed cameras or highway Wombles roaming around shutting roads because some idiot has crashed. Intelligent people know what the steering wheel is for and what pedal they should press when they are heading for a tree.

Frankly, I'd much prefer to be at the races than sitting here thinking up all this stuff. But sadly, I'm simply not orange enough.