Uh-oh. BMW is getting 'funky'. The new Compact is a young person's car, and we know this because it's available in 11 different exterior colours - funky ones - with no less than 18 - very funky indeed - interior upholstery schemes. Never mind its peerless rear-wheel drive chassis dynamics, check out the new parcel shelf which offers all sorts of ingenious storage possibilities, including a pair of supercharged curry hooks. Do they eat a lot of curry in Germany?
There is mention, too, of a unique sunglasses cubby which is just as well because your eyes could use some protection: a carelessly specified Compact could look like something television's (I)Changing Rooms'(I) 'expert' Laurence-Llewellyn Bowen might mince about in. Yes indeed, the new Compact is what happens when BMW goes - gulp - 'lifestyle'. It's like watching Albert Einstein trying to breakdance.
So let's just drive the bloody thing, rather than wondering if our abseiling equipment or flat-packed furniture will fit into it. BMW may have invented the premium hatch but even when it was oven fresh, the old Compact was hiding a few skeletons in its rather stumpy looking closet - its rear suspension hardware was pretty ropey, its cabin a bit basic. It was more of a BMW 2 and a half series than a 3, to be honest, but for an afterthought, it's proved a very successful model: almost 400,000 have been sold since 1994.
The new one will have no trouble maintaining this momentum. It's extremely good. The fifth and final 3 series spin-off, look closely at the Compact and you'll discover that it subtly bridges the gap between BMW's current house style and the next. The frowning front has a meaner four-eyed stare, with separate high and low beam headlamps. It sits stockily on the road. And while the Compact's sawn-off back side apes the old car's, the new model's fussy looking rear lamp clusters have more than a hint of Lexus IS200 about them, which is a bit of a result for everyone who's used to the plagiarising happening the other way round. Overall, the new Compact is a more coherent bit of work than its predecessor, if not quite as charismatic as the Alfa Romeo 147 or as witty as the Mercedes C-Class Coupe.
I know which I'd rather drive down a Spanish mountain road, though. Taller, wider and longer than the old Compact it may be, but the new car has the sort of sinewy athleticism that doesn't just eclipse its rivals, it also proves saucier than most other current 3 Series flavours.
Take the range-topping 325ti, for example, which is powered by BMW's latest generation 192bhp, 2.5-litre engine. Now BMW does engines better than almost everybody else, yet in the 3 Series saloon and coupe you can be left feeling comfortably numb rather than truly inspired. The Compact is different: it's stiffer, more firmly suspended, has faster, more talkative steering, and in super-smooth straight-six guise has just about all the real-world grunt you'd ever need. In fact, it reminds me of what small BMWs used to be like, right up until the point where you arrive at a juicy hairpin 15 or 20mph too fast and, instead of the trademark small BMW palm-moistening tail-slide, you find grip, grip, and ahh yes there goes the back end now... er sorry, that'll be more grip then.
This is one grippy car.
Sure, the 325ti is wearing fairly fat rubber, and you'd use up the entire alphabet if you listed all the safety and traction control acronyms, but even so, you'd have to be a special kind of idiot to let the back end get away from you irretrievably. Happily, the Compact's electronics armoury isn't too intrusive, and the 3 series' chassis is so good that there's a constantly open invitation to really paartaaay.
In fact, it's easier to drive quickly than slowly: there's a bit of irritating shunt at low speeds, and the gearchange - never particularly snappy - feels more positive the faster you go. It rides well, though, and its body control is suitably sporty without dislodging any of your fillings. Nor do you need the full 192bhp to enjoy yourself; the 115bhp 316ti - the first BMW to feature Valvetronic which does away with the throttle butterfly - is just as well-balanced as its pricier brother, has even sweeter steering thanks to its lighter engine, and a more tactile gearchange. It's also impressively economical, averaging about 41mpg.
BMWs are arrogant cars - that's one of the things I've always liked best about them - but the Compact is disappointingly thoughtful. The options list is predictably huge, with even BMW's brilliant dash-mounted TV/sat-nav system available to beef up the regular 3 series interior, and there was lots of talk about practicality and personalisation during the surprisingly freestyle launch presentation. Hence the fancy parcel shelf and funny colours.
Assuming that you avoid speccing your Compact like the inside of a Munich lap-dancing club - believe me, it's possible - and one of the cheapest BMWs also manages to be one of the best. It's not funky like godfather of soul James Brown is funky, but it still stays on the scene like a sex(y) machine.
Back to BMW 3-Series Overview
Jason Barlow
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