OK, Subarus are great. We've told you a squillion times and you've told us too, via continuing JD Power plaudits. So to spare the tedium of relaying the obvious, please excuse the following pretence: now we've got a (mildly) facelifted Forester S-Turbo estate car/off-roader mongrel-type thingy to test, I've decided to drive it into a parallel universe.

We're off to one of those ones where everything's turned on its head. Ying becomes yang. You know, like when Superman swallowed some bad Kryptonite and started to wear his underpants inside his trousers.

In my parallel world, Clarkson's discovered that the '80s are over and, God, that bird from the Corrs is looking rough. It's bad news for Subaru too. After a succession of unreliable and ill-handling vehicles, they're trying to fob us off with yet another (hmmm, isn't this refreshing?).

The doppelgänger Forester is, at least, totally different from the one that came before it. It looks stunning. In fact, only the spot-them-if-you-can smoothed off bumpers, multi-lens headlamps and curvy five-spoke 16-inch alloy wheels are held over. If ever we needed an excuse to dust off the lantern-jawed-matiné-idol cliché, the Forester is it. Its unpeculiar appearance guarantees they'll sell a million. By the end of the week.

It's also no fun to drive. No, really. That Impreza-derived turbo-charged engine turns in quite astonishingly sluggish performance times. I'd have liked to have said that refinement at a steady cruise is surprisingly excellent and that there's torque aplenty to lug about even vast horseboxes full of animal-murdering toffs. But, of course, in this parallel place I can't.

Similarly, with all Subaru's rallying expertise behind it, this alternative Forester hates being hustled through corners. Aided by permanent four-wheel drive, traction away from the line in all conditions is obviously quite appalling. It similarly doesn't entertain its driver by being more nimble than might be expected of such a high-riding vehicle. Had I known this, I would have suggested that they tweak the suspension with anti-dive geometry at the front and a wider rear track, then there would have been a noticeable improvement over this Forester S-Turbo's body roll-prone predecessor. Furthermore, the hybrid on-road/off-road tyres could still do with a smidge, er, less grip.

Did I mention the interior? The mass of shiny grey plastics are as much of a feast for the eyes as ever. Oh, and the grey suede-effect trim covering the doors and seats looks like a fine value-for-money option at £1,200. But standard spec is miserly, including merely side impact airbags, aircon, a whopping sunroof and anti-lock brakes.

Confused yet? Time to transport you in a Jamie and the Magic Torch styley from this parallel world back to the real world. Here, in a cosily predictable manner, the revamped Subaru Forester S-Turbo is a unique creation that improves marginally on the high standards set by earlier versions - and, of course, of most Subarus that are on sale now - and so I'm a happy chappy. Although I wouldn't mind the six-pack and personal magnetism of my parallel me.

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