Audi RS4 on ice

I'm going to tell it like it is. It’s a lake, there’s no doubt about that. It’s in the northern part of Sweden and it’s frozen solid too, or we wouldn’t be able to drive on it – for obvious reasons, obviously. The lake probably has a name, but I don’t know what it is.

All I know is that it’s in a place called Arvidsjaur in Sweden, and that Audi has arranged for a snow-ploughing tractor to create different circuits that we are to drive on for two and a half days. A bright red banner reads ‘Home of Quattro’. It’s called the Audi Driving Experience and the following is the general sequence of events.

We’re handed bright red RS4 Avants – my co-driver and I are sat in number 5 – for the duration of our drive. And it’s quite a practical car, too. The RS4 Avant is a high-performance estate – exactly the kind of car that’ll never do well in India, but only because of Indians’ mysterious allergy to estates. The RS4, however, has 330bhp to reason with and it encounters no problem convincing me. This practical estate can terrify its occupants, while the driver has the time of his/her life. However, there is no reasoning and testing allowed when we’re driving in a place that is a story for the grandchildren in itself.