TopGear On Ice: Lambo Aventador

I stride up to the waiting Lamborghini with a confident air, skid on a patch of ice and crash into the open door face first, smashing my nose on the door and ending up legs akimbo on the floor. I look up and see a Lamborghini delivery driver watching with a facial expression that seems to encompass both fascination and abject horror. "Bumped by doze! Slippy izzernit!" I exclaim, gurning like a cretin. Nobody moves. I gingerly clamber to my feet with the lorry driver wondering why anyone is about to let Mr Bean drive a hypercar down what appears to be a bobsleigh run designed by a sadist.

Getting in involves the usual bum-first, legs-last slide into the driver's seat, made somewhat more complicated by bulky Bibendum-spec clothing. For a minute, I'm seriously worried that I won't be able to feel the pedals properly in my ridiculous boots, but then realise that it's so cold that I can't feel my actual feet anyway, rendering the point somewhat moot. Once inside, the usual Aventador cues apply: you sit low and relatively laid out, seemingly at the point of an arrowhead. Vision is acceptable, but looking backwards is pretty pointless; the glass fins of the engine cover are iced over, though now steaming gently as the motor warms. The rear view is basically a picturesque but completely useless fractal. The satnav chirps, and I notice that it is set for Sant'Agata, Italy. We are not in Italy, and I am a bit scared.

First job is to pull out onto the road proper, and I'm expecting at least a throb of drama. But the LP700-4 just creeps gently out. Treating the throttle pedal like it's the trigger of a crossbow pointed at my testicles has helped, but I'm still surprised. After all, a Lambo in the snow is unfamiliar and exciting, but also intimidating. Out here, grip is more important than power, but I doubt that 6.5-litre V12 stuffed into the middle of the Aventador has left any of the 691bhp or 689Nm of torque at home. Everybody stares. And the Aventador does look pretty bloody out of place, a cocktail among cups of tea.