BMW

1 Series

£15,235 - £28,110

Although it's a good small car, this is probably a niche too far for the brand. Despite looking quite smart as a saloon, it has the distinct whiff of a poor man's 3-Series.

1 Series Convertible

Although it's a good small car, this is probably a niche too far for the brand. Despite looking quite smart as a saloon, it has the distinct whiff of a poor man's 3-Series.

1 Series Coupe

£19,730 - £30,400

Although it's a good small car, this is probably a niche too far for the brand. Despite looking quite smart as a saloon, it has the distinct whiff of a poor man's 3-Series.

3 Series

£20,265 - £54,830

A victim of its own success in that everyone on the planet owns one, so forget ideas of premium status. But for real drivers this is still Earth's best small saloon car.

3 Series Convertible

A victim of its own success in that everyone on the planet owns one, so forget ideas of premium status. But for real drivers this is still Earth's best small saloon car.

3 Series Touring

£21,430 - £37,160

Says 'I’m a middle-management middleweight' slightly less than the 3-Series coupe or saloon, and drives very nearly as well. All good, then.

5 Series

£26,125 - £63,460

You have to drive it to understand. It's all in the body control, the rear-drive chassis, the sweet steering. Challenging looks soften with familiarity. Find the money.

5 Series Touring

£28,115 - £66,010

In M5 Touring guise, massively desirable. In non-M guise, slightly less desirable but probably a better idea unless you want to get on first name terms with your local petrol station cashier.

6 Series

£47,895 - £82,565

Huge, flash coupe with more attitude than a class of 15-year-olds and looks that even its own mother would be hard pushed to love. Old school GT superiority.

6 Series Convertible

£53,475 - £87,235

Huge, flash coupe with more attitude than a class of 15-year-olds and looks that even its own mother would be hard pushed to love. Old school GT superiority.

7 Series

£52,165 - £95,450

The all-new version of Bangle's beast isn't as ugly as the first, and it's an even better car. Loaded with technology, but lacking a little soul.

M3

Tragically this totally formidable performance icon has attracted so many gits over the years it has become borderline naff. But it's so scintillating you might risk it...

M5

No motoring nut requires a V10-powered sledgehammer to crack it. OK, but then you press the M-button. It is warp, it is g-spot, it is England winning the World Cup...

M6

A sharp tool to do a job, but at this level you might be looking for something that looks sexy and classy rather than a GT fashioned from slightly melted Stickle-Bricks.

X3

£26,985 - £37,765

Savagely disappointing compact SUV that will leave hoardes of trusting buyers trying to figure out how BMW got it so wrong. Rides like a pogo stick on a cattle grid.

X5

£38,715 - £74,970

You won't be liked - nobody who can afford an imposing, seven-seat behemoth should expect popularity. But it's mainly jealousy. That and very grudging respect.

X6

£40,645 - £76,290

Sorry, what was the question again? If you thought Mercedes was stretching the boundaries of possible niches, then check out this SUV/coupe.

Z4

£27,700 - £37,925

Z4 irritates the purists by getting a folding hard-top. Engineers around the world are currently burning effigies of whoever thought that was a good idea, while the fashionistas are burning incense.

Z4M/Coupe

More hardcore than the foundations of the Olympic village. You can't approach it half-heartedly and they all know that. A classic now, a proper classic in the future.