Jeremy Clarkson
Clarkson on: Porsche
I don't want a Porsche Boxster. There are several reasons for this. First of all, while it is beautifully made and beautifully balanced, it is a bit cramped for fully grown men, the clutch is a bit of a faff and the styling's a bit backwards. Most of all though, I don't want a Porsche Boxster because James May has one. And there is, quite literally, nothing in his life that I covet. Not his postcode, not his old motorcycles, not his hoopy jumpers. Not even his swish new Vickers Velos aeroplane.
However, parked outside my house right now is a limited-edition Porsche Boxster called the RS60 Spyder. I've been using it for the last seven days, and I've decided I don't want one of these either.
Partly this is because it isn't a limited edition at all. It's just a normal Boxster S with a button that makes the exhaust a bit louder and an interior finished in what they call Carrera Red. Oh, and it has a 'unique' front spoiler designed primarily to make a hideous graunching noise on every single one of Oxford's 2.5 billion speed humps.
Of course, the RS 60 Spyder name is designed to stick its hand down the trousers of every Porsche enthusiast in the world and remind them with a warm squeeze of some long-forgotten racing car that Fortesque Major took to victory in the Mille Florio of 1903. But it doesn't. What this car does - what every Boxster does - is sit outside your house reminding you that you couldn't quite afford a 911.
I don't want a 911 either. And no, this has nothing to do with Richard Hammond. Yes, he does have a 911, and that's bad - I mean, look what it's done to his hair. But then he also has one of every other car in the world, so abandoning the 911 just because some fridge magnet in the Welsh borders has one wedged between his cross-eyed Morgan and his Vauxhall Firenza is silly.
“I don't want a Boxster because James has one. And there is, quite literally, nothing in his life that I covet”
I wish I did want a 911. I love the way they drive. I love the way they look. I love the way they are built. In my life, right now, a two-wheel-drive 911S would be absolutely perfect. So why did I buy the souped-up SLK55 Hitler-mobile instead?
Maybe you think I'm heading toward the Cayenne. Nope. Things I'd rather have include ebola, six elbows and an unquenchable desire to goose the Pope. It's brilliant. Tougher than you could imagine and properly fast. But it simply doesn't float my boat.
This is odd. We are all aware there is a chemistry between people. You meet someone, and before they've even drawn breath to speak, you know you hate every fibre of their being, and would like to hit them in the head with a shovel. Certainly, I felt this way when I first met Piers Morgan.
But how is it possible to have a chemical reaction to a ton-and-a-half of wiring, glass, steel and oil? Why do I now want a Mercedes SL65, which is a pointless car that has so much torque it will only accelerate downwards, through the centre of the Earth, and not a Porsche turbo, which is excellent?
I understand, of course, why some people deliberately buy awful cars.
Take the Citroen Picasso. This is a car for people who drive everywhere at 40. On the motorway. On the A44 when I'm in a rush. Through villages. In garden centres. Everywhere. Styled to be non-threatening, it manages, by trying not to be offensive to anyone, to be offensive to everyone. So why does anyone buy such a thing when there are so many alternatives? A wheelbarrow, for instance, or a holiday in Guantanamo Bay, or gout. I'll tell you why. Because the Citroen is cheap.
It's cheapness that causes people to buy a 4WD Kia. They need something to pull their caravan up a muddy field, and while they'd like a Range Rover, it's too expensive. That makes perfect sense to me. If I were a caravannist, with a family to feed and a modest income, I'd probably buy a Kia.
No, come to think of it, I wouldn’t. If I were a caravannist, with a family to feed and a modest income, what I’d actually do is kill myself.
What I’m bothered about though is what happens when you take value for money out of the equation. When you are making a purchasing decision in which dealer service, fuel economy, carbon dioxide and government tax bands are not an issue. In short: what I’m bothered about is why don’t I want a Porsche.
It’s not the badge. Speak this quietly, but I was the only person in the world who wanted a 924. I knew that it had an engine from a Volkswagen van and that it took six years to get from zero to 60mph and that it cost a million pounds and you were only paying for the badge. But it had pinstripe velour seats, and I liked that.
And then they fitted flared wheel arches and a new four-cylinder 2.5-litre engine to create the 944. I wanted one of those so much I ached. In fact, if I were to draw up a list of the 10 best cars I’ve ever driven, the 944 turbo would certainly be included. You can buy them these days for five grand.
By rights, I should hate the 928. It was the first press test car I ever crashed. And I used one to go and see my dad the day before he died. I also disliked the dreadful ride quality in later models. And yet, even today, when one grumbles by, my head does the full Linda Blair. It is, I think, one of the best-looking cars ever made.
So what’s happened? Why did I used to like Porsches and now I don’t?
Image? Well, yes, there was a time when a flat-nosed, guards red 911 with a whale tail spoiler was an automotive precursor to the imminent arrival of a twat. But since then, the cocks have been through the BMW phase and are now tailgating your arse with big, fast Audis. So what’s stopping me?
Happily, I think I have an answer. In the old days, Porsches were flawed and a bit flamboyant. The 944 had flared arches. The 924 had a van engine. The 928 had chequered flag seating. In brown. You got the impression they were designed by people who understood the whole business of cars. Not just how to make them go round corners.
Today though, I have the impression that Porsches are built by people who have an enormous collection of small screwdrivers. They really like choosing the exact composition of the tyres and the precise calibration of the fuel injectors. This is why the engine bay of a 911 looks like the back of a washing machine. It’s because it was developed by engineers, possibly the best in the business, and they don’t really care about aesthetics. They only want to build an equation, a formula, which will
go round the Nürburgring as quickly as possible.
So, when you buy a modern Porsche, you are demonstrating to the world that you are very interested in driving. And being ‘very interested in driving’ means that, for you, it is a hobby.
This is bad. Hobbies are for people who were caught masturbating as a child. They were told by their mothers that it’d drop off unless they got out of bed and did something useful. So they did. They built model planes and collected stamps. Some may have taken up ornithology. This will have made them very unpopular with their peers who could think of many more exciting things to do with bushes and birds. Show me someone in a 911, and I’ll show you someone who was bullied at school.
I have no statistics to hand, but I bet a great many golfists drive 911s. It’s because of what their mums told them. That they must have a way of filling their time that doesn’t include shuffling off to the loo with Asian Babes. They are not wankers, then. And that, weirdly, is exactly the problem.
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Great article. Hats off.
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Love this article, especially the point it makes about chemistry. I was 19 years old when I laid my eyes on a Porsche 911 model (scale 1:16) and immediately fell in love with it. I wasn't interested at all in cars before I saw that small model car and held it in my hands. I don't really *feel* anything when I look at a Ferrari. I can get excited about them, but I always go back to the 911. Always. It's like love. And I'm a woman.
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Best article so far. A bit pointless but after all that's why we love the boys. However I can completely share Jeremy's view on the SL65. It's a bit slow and pointless with its 2.1 ton weight, the biggest lump of torque in the world and 612hp which get you to 62 in a frankly pathetic 4.2 seconds. So in a way it's a bit like Jeremy: Too much torque applies wonderfully on his mouth and after all he is a bit heavy and not the fastest...
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So there reason you're not buying a Porscha Jezza is because you're strapped for cash.My life is now complete.
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great article - its really to keep the little boy (sorry girl as well @mello7) inside alive. Its about the emotion, the dream car, the dream brand. Porsches are hard to love recently. They are clinically flawless. They are almost too perfect and not awesome beautiful in the italian way. I am curious what will be the dream car and brand from my little boy, he is 1 year old...
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Sportscars (and luxurycars) are all about chemistry. If you can afford to own one (which is tougher than just buying one), you're way past the practicality test.
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So... Jeremy wants a Merc, cuz it's cheap??....:D
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I think the only recent Porsche that I'd get properly excited about seeing is the Carrera GT. Because that was almost the exact opposite of what people don't like about modern Porsches. The entire rear half of the car purely consisted the engine and a big pop-up spoiler. It had those flared arches (now found on GT#s and Turbos) and a wacking great V10 that screamed like nothing else on Earth. On the other hand, whenever I come across a 911, Cayman or Boxster (common cars these days), I immediately look for expensive options and model designations, with no outward joy at all. That's not to say I wouldn't like one, they just don't excite me. Nor do the others. Especially as everyone buys them in plain-sheet-of-A4-Silver ¬_¬
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I'm waiting for Hammond's reaction on this..
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Kinda like why I don't like beemers. They're called kebab racers here and almost everyone has one (here in gothenburg). Then there's all the "natural" speedbumps in form of badly patched-together roads and high sidewalks that just loves to give those sportscars a good shave. Driving my old 77 Scirocco GTI around here was like riding a bobsleigh.. with wheels because they didnt bother scraping the roads because the snow would melt "soon". If you wanna annoy James, skip all them fancy supercars and get a Volvo 240 with a V8 and nitro. ;)
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Most brands are now going through a similar problem... BMW is boring, Audi is as exciting as dry paint, Mercedes is for drug dealers and all the japanese brands are so boring I wouldnt even be bothered to write something about them. The only cool brand left is... Land Rover
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I still think that there is no other super car on the planet that makes as much sense to me as 911 Porsche - in all it`s variants. When I see one on the road, I start drooling..it really does something to me(apart from the drool)Possibly the only other "car" I would want instead is the Radical SR8LM..
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WTF man??? You complain about how cramped the Porsches are, but want a SL65??? I can't even sit behind the wheel of a SL65, 924, 928, or the 944. but I am fine fitting in a 911. For reference I am 6'8" 220lbs love to drive, and hate any car that I can't fit in.Us tall guys like quick cars too!
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I think I liked your previous reason why not to have a Porsche better.. It's just a beefed up beetle.. And it is.. Why spend 40 odd years trying to make a rear engined car go around corners and NOT coming out a*se first instead of just understanding that putting the engine closer to the middle of the car would solve a lot of problems straight away..? Now, the Carrera GT3 RS is forever on my wishlist that I send to Santa every year but it remains second to the mid-engined and mid/front-engined dreams of mine.. I'd even go for a SL65 before a Carrera, not because it drives like one, just because it will terrify pretty much anyone just by it's looks and the insane soundtrack it boosts.. I'd say that there's something really wrong with the world when you have to go to mercedes to get a ridiculous and utterly bonkers car..
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Porsches are like German women - they are never given credit for their crazy side which lurks beneath their implacable (possibly slightly nerdy) exterior. Owning most exotics is like S&M without a control word.. Am I saying that porsche ownership is safe petrolhead kink? I suppose I am - you always get what you want but nothing you don't!
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The one flaw to me on the newer Porsches, is simply there are none. When I was a child growing up my father had an older 930. It had nearly 100,000 miles on it, it was old, and myself being a product of the 90's, I thought an unbelievably ugly car, but it would be cruel to not love something that homely. The car had character, the enormous whale tail, and the widest fenders, a four speed transmission, a back seat large enough for a jug of milk, and it was car that was unbelievably slow until the turbo hit at 3,000 rpm. It was things like this that made the car truely amazing. It wasn't perfect and it couldn't take a corner to save its life, but it was fun as hell to drive.
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I think you should get back to your old itch, the 944 turbo. I still have my 944s since its just a great lover to behold and drive around all the new superdupercars made by audi and whomever. cheers, gothenburg awaits you in your 944turbo.
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I don't want to have anything that has a Porsche 911 name to it nor the many clones that have been so overdone to it's sake. This car cheats on it's customers.. it has the shortest lifespan of revisions and "slight" updates.. has too many designation for one car alone.. the only reason for it gaining the cred it has racked-up is because Porsche only has this one car in their stable to focus on since killing-off the 914, 924/944 and the 928 ( the others are just mere clones to this car ).. which is the only reason it got perfected through it's many cycles.
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I kinda get where your going with this JC. But I have a few questions: Is it fast? Can it turn? Will it last? If you can answer yes to these questions one might have to learn to live with the nerdish aura of the thing. Besides, once it gets old you can strip out the interior, put in a roll cage and use it for a track day car.
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@US.GI.11B: Flip sides of the same coin then. I'm sort of a Hamster and I don't fit in a lot of cars either, 'cos they're designed for bigger people than me. Designers only have one 'Average Joe' dummy it seems. I always sit askew just to be able to drive. And why are brakepedals in modern cars so ridiculously high in the air, compared to the other pedals? You only need about 1.5in of give at worst. I can't turn my right foot on the heel, I have to lift. That might be dangerous one day.
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if you dont want to buy a 911 buy one of the two best looking cars on the road the Audi R8 or the aston martin v8 vantage
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a lot of cojones to make this article, congratulations , a fan from mexico city, hope your show someday como to latin america, a lot of car fans in this side of the hemisphere, thanks for a great tv show.
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I thaught Jeremy doesn't like Porsches because it looks like a Beetle. I actually think that way because if I happen to buy any Porsche, it'll be because I want to smoke out and show it off to people who drive Beetles, not to anyone else, cuz I just don't like the model. There are lots of other cars that has better models than Porsches.
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clarckson you are mental ....
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I own a 4.500? worth 924 and when I park it at work, close to 30.000? modern saloon cars, mine is the real eye catcher... http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=25862&id=100000331492254
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Yeah on avreage porsches really are the best so if you're into avreages.. buy1!
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Although I can see why Clarkson doesn't like Porsches, I really do not like how he sets his opinion in stone as if it is fact. The passion Porsche puts in their cars is not the same as the passion Lamborghini puts into theirs. Lamborghini puts aesthetic over functionality, whereas Porsche does the reverse. They may not have passion in aesthetics, but the engineers have passion in making cars and that is still passion. If you can't see that, that's your opinion. I'm not saying this because I own a Boxster, I bought a Boxster because this was my opinion first. And yes, I cannot afford a 911 because I'm 17, but I wouldn't buy one at that price range anyway.
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Porsche is so disinterested in car design that all they do now is build variants of the 911. Cayman is a shrunk-in-the-wash 911, Boxter is a shrunk-in-the-wash 911 without a roof, Panamera is a slightly overweight 911 and the Cayenne is a morbidly obese 911. Even the Carrera GT was a slightly mental 911. The only Porsche that needs to look like a 911 is a 911.
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despite,911 series is a legend,but I`d rather "NOT FALL IN LOVE"with any pose-porsche,dunno..why!it felt so strange.so I prefer..an Aston martin,.,rather than F.P Porsche.haha
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i'm with clarkson, i'm not sure I want a 911. sometimes i look at it as if it were a goddes, other times i think that if i turned into a corner, it would just lift off oversteer. almost laughed myself to death when i read the masturbation part.
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Open Car Bar
Thescotsman commented on this article
07 April 2009
The 911 is fabulous and I speak as someone who has taken years to get my head round the whole engine at the wrong end thing.
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