Jeremy Clarkson
Clarkson on: supercars
The new Audi R8 is very possibly the best car I've ever driven. The way it blends Lamborghini V10 power with everyday buttons, knobs and comfort means that it's a fiery curry that won't break your starfish, a hot day that won't give you skin cancer, a mistress that will kiss but never tell.
Of course, a Bugatti Veyron is a magnificent piece of engineering, which means that on a long straight road you can travel at aircraft speeds in what is no more demanding than a warm bath. But putting it on a track is like putting Stephen Fry in the 110-metre hurdles. All of a sudden, the big brain counts for nothing.
On a track, you would be much better off with a Ferrari Scuderia. But when you drive one of those home afterwards, you quickly tire of the non-stop fidgeting and wriggling. Driving a Scud is like sleeping with someone who has eczema.
The R8 V10 steers a course slap-bang between these two extremes. On a track, it is utterly divine, darting, snouting, aurally visceral. And as crisp as freshly laundered linen. But when you are just going to work it becomes a big TT. Its nose can handle speed bumps. Its radio is good. Its seats are old sofa comfy. And at £100,000, it is cheap compared to the Ferrari and a veritable pound shop compared to the Big Bug.
It is therefore the obvious choice for anyone who can afford such a thing, and whose lifestyle means there's no need for back seats. It is also the obvious choice for those who have no job and two kids. Just raise the money by selling the children to Madonna.
However, I won't be buying an R8 any time soon, and neither should you. Because I've been down the supercar road three times now, with a Ferrari 355, a Lamborghini Gallardo and a Ford GT. And I can assure you it's not lined with girls and jelly. It's mostly a forest of pot holes, expense, frustration, terror and dirty trousers.
This is because, when you are in a supercar, you can resist stabbing the loud pedal for very long periods of time but eventually, you'll think, "Hang on. This bit of road looks appropriate, I'll open the taps." And that's a mistake, because no road is appropriate really for the savagery that results. Quickly, then, you will soil yourself.
You will also have dirty fingernails. Constantly. This is because it is impossible to open the bonnet of any car without getting covered in six litres of used oil and a billion dead flies. And with a supercar, you have to open the bonnet every time you want to put a briefcase, or your shopping, or your hat, in the boot.
Unless of course you have a Lamborghini Jalpa which has a boot in the proper place. But you don't have a Lamborghini Jalpa. No one does.
‘I’ve been down the supercar road three times, and I can assure you it’s not lined with girls and jelly. It’s a forest of pot holes, expense and dirty trousers’
Then there's the business of getting in and out of a supercar. If you are young, this is no problem at all. But if you are young, you will be poor and you will therefore have an X-registered Ford Fiesta. To be wealthy enough to buy, insure and run a low-slung piece of Italian cut-and-thrust, you need to be old. Which means you will not be able to get in without snapping your spine, or out without ending up on your hands and knees.
I can assure you that this is not dignified. Crawling out of a car that's two inches tall, onto a pavement, with dirty fingernails and soiled trousers is a sure-fire way of ensuring that you will go home without the girl.
Not that supercars are what some people might call bird-pullers anyway. The fact is this: when they see a man in a supercar, almost all girls think that he is a) married, b) having a mid-life crisis and c) that he has a penis measurable only with the assistance of a microscope.
Of course, there are some girls who will go for a man with a supercar. They are called gold diggers and, pretty soon, they will sleep with your gardener, take half your money and tell the newspapers what the rest of womanhood knew already: that your penis is not visible to the naked eye and you shit yourself every time you go round a corner.
Supercars, then, are no good for your sex life, unless you are an homosexual, in which case they are excellent. Because every single time you stop in your Zonda or your Murciélago you will be surrounded by a gaggle of swooning men and boys. So if you have one, you will be able to find a mate without making the dreary trip to Brighton. Just remember though, when you have a Ferrari, a threesome is right out. Unless it's a Mondial. In which case a threesome is also right out because you won't have any taste. And therefore no one will like you.
Soon though, you will be killed. This is not because you will drive too quickly and crash into a lorry. Your bowels will let go long before that happens and so you will need to stop at the next services and change. That means you will be in a cubicle wiping your bottom as the lorry you would have hit goes by. And that's fine.
No, you will be killed at the next junction because you will not see the van coming at you from behind your rear pillar until you have the word Transit embedded in your forehead.
The worst offender in this respect is the Ferrari Enzo, with the Ford GT a close second. This is because they are left-hand drive and that means at every roundabout, you can only pull out after rubbing your rosaries and whispering half a dozen Hail Marys. Because, and I'm not making this up, it is impossible to see what's coming. Not difficult. Not awkward. Impossible.
The blind spot in the R8 isn't too bad, it must be said, but it's still big enough to hide the group of girls, pointing at you and wondering, quite loudly, whether you are gay, penistically challenged or whether you've filled your pants yet.
Supercars have a huge allure. Their beauty. Those massive engines. The sense that you will never want for anything else, ever again. That you are stuck in a pantomime and life is just one big bag of sweeties and laughter. You dream of an Alpine road, and of dropping down a cog in the tunnels to amplify the noise still further. It's a lovely dream to have and it's why I'm a sucker for the breed. It's why I bought the Lambo 10 minutes after I sold the Ford and said, "Never again". And it's why, now, 10 minutes after I sold the Lambo and said, "Never again" again, I'm looking at the R8 with a cocked eyebrow and a head full of possibilities.
The fact is, though, that there's never a right time in anyone's life for such a thing. They are like a boned pigeon. Wonderful in your dreams and on your holidays, but fiddly and difficult when it's Thursday lunchtime and you just want something to eat.
And don't forget, in a pantomime, you never see what's behind you.
Have that dream by all means. But when it comes to the car you actually buy, the engine should be at the front, the boot should be at the back and in the middle there should be as many seats as possible. It should be as economical as possible, it should be invisible to vandals, cheap to repair, unattractive to thieves and able to enter a roundabout without killing you in the process. This then is my advice. Cut out a picture of the R8 and put it on your wall. Then buy a Golf.
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One is left wondering with open mouth in which language the previous comment was posted. Is it so difficult to type properly? Anyway, i agree with jeremy here on most of his points but he did overlook one or two important items. Silverstone is one example. Brands hatch is another. But if one wants a good performance car which is still practical, one should look at-for example-the new honda civic type-r or a bmw 135i. Anyways, great going jeremy keep being awesome.
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i can just imagine jazza having a drink or a two... or 3,.. or however it takes for him to get this crazy ideas poping in his head like a huge brainstorm of FUNY. i get those brainstorms too, there fun. thanks for sharing them with us, they always make me smile.
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i can just imagine jazza having a drink or a two... or 3,.. or however it takes for him to get this crazy ideas poping in his head like a huge brainstorm of FUNY. i get those brainstorms too, there fun. thanks for sharing them with us, they always make me smile.
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JEREMY! Why don't you test the new Danish supercar? 1100 bhp ;) You can't resist, i know it. Zenvo St-1 0-60: 3.00 Top speed: electronic limit: 375 Kph.
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The race with the Bugatti Veyron against the Mcclaren was pretty exciting to watch although I was wondering why not race the Bugatti Veyron against a Koenigsegg CCXR as it has 1018 bhp.
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dear jeremy on saturday 1st august my son and 14 other lads are doing a truck pull for help the heroes. The truck is approx 13 tonnes and they are pulling it 4 and a half miles. Thought id let you know as i think its a great thing they are doing. if you want more info call 07917164670
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Sound advice Mr. Clarkson, I dreamt of owning a Mercedes Benz C43 but a C200 does me well enough, although I have a picture of a Alfa Romeo C8 on my office wall. Telephone number withheld. ;)
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But there is nothing good about the Alfa Romeo C8! Rubbish car.
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when i buy a supercar that will be the 8c spider..white color..
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when you buy a supercar the 8c spider will have been out of production for 40 years, and footballers have planted them in the hedges. Dreams are nice.
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It's like you're in a diamond store and you're staring at the glass panels! What the 8c has in looks it more than makes up for by being rubbish. Give me my aston please. Keep the gay italian bug who looks at his dad and goes, "hm!".
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Why not just buy an Aston Martin DB9? its a great long distance cruiser as u pointed out and its fast!!!!!!
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Jeremy, you have a passion for cars... and you do only live once... you have that option to live that dream, that most of us cant! from seeing tonight's episode (series 13 episode 7), it would be sad to see you not live that dream for us... and then tell us how it is... and ADJunkie!... go to school...
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Jeremy, you have a passion for cars... and you do only live once... you have that option to live that dream, that most of us cant! from seeing tonight's episode (series 13 episode 7), it would be sad to see you not live that dream for us... and then tell us how it is... and ADJunkie!... go to school...
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Jeremy, great article, but you failed to mention my personal favourite, the SLR. I know that the last one came off the line in 2007, but I still cannot stop aspiring to own one - and that is a lo-o-o-o-o-ng way down a very improbable line. The point is that, if I could own one, I would. All practicality aside, life is too short not to.
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jeremy... when i typed on youtube "supercars" i come on this...top gear rusia... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hqp6zv_0Mjc
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and yes they have a stig :p
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This is why I love my LTI and my old F-250: you step up into it and sit vertically, as if at a table. No lying down. It'll carry me, the wife, and 3 kids, and the F-250 six bicycles. It's a 4x4. The 445 ci turbo diesel sounds good and produces awe-inspiring power. It won't do 200MPH but it will tow a Bug at 100 so smoothly you'll forget it's there. Along with the power goes weight: it is more locomotive than car. It feels.... substantial. Noone expects you to go fast, or complains if you don't. But you can go fast. Women claim to hate trucks but a guy who has one can haul kids, bulk groceries etc and can afford to keep fuel in one. A guy with a supercar is unattainable if not stupid. A guy who can keep fuel in a big pickup is attainable, sensible, useful and has a bit of coin.
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Hello Jeremy. I love supercars and I know you do to. Have you ever heard of the Cadillac CIEN or the VW W12. Oh and by the way I loved your dvd's Thriller and Supercar Showdown. My personal favourite was Thriller because somehow you got The Stig to chase sheep. I was laughing for hours.
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Hello Jeremy You guys should put the Toyota Carina E in your show. My parents have one. Or do something James won't ever forget.
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People people it is obvious that Jezza has been going to one too many green peace oriented barbeques whom are hosted by his eco-conservative party member David Camren. Supercars have nothing to do with being economical, the size of your trouser snake, or showing off (ok, maybe a bit bout' showing off). They're about making your life more fun, not pratical. They give us a reason to get out of bed and work harder so that one day we can buy a supercar. Yes, they'll make you shit your pants the moment they lose grip or when you get the insurance quote or your gold digger wife leaves you with half your money. But think about this; would you rather own a car that'll kill you or a car that'll make you kill yourself? I agree with jezza that supercars are costly and scare and are not for everyone. but thats what separates supercars from cars; theyre not for everyone, theyre for the Super.
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just last night i saw a new aston martin v12 vantage and iam from serbia...in my country if you see a few supercars in your lifetime your god,thats why when i saw am v12 v i was happier than the guy who was driving it...supercars are here to make you wet your pants and be happy like a dog in an elevator :-)))
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Do I dare ask what it says about a woman who wants to drive an R8 V10? LOL! Never mind the picture on the wall, I want one of those scale models. :D
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This article is brliiant! Lets be honest, those who can afford these cars will buy them no matter what, because like the rest of us who can't afford to, they dreamt of one day being able to own one. So what if it is impractical, silly, and makes you look like a fool.....buying a car is seldom about the mind, and more often than not its about the heart. By the way, I do have a car with only 2 seats, an engine in the back, not much of a boot and is low slung.....it is a smart roadster, not a supercar. Goes to show, even if price isn't an option, buying cars is more about the way they make you feel than any other thing. LONG LIVE ALL SUPER and HYPER CARS!!!
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Open Car Bar
ADJunkie! commented on this article
15 July 2009
Wow! Clarkson, after reading dis piece of ur braincells....its like narrating CLARKSON' SUPERCAR SHOWDOWN, (where u said U cn make an R8 literally DANCE on d track, rmember?) Mst say, if i buy a supercar, i will nvr buy another car. I got TOPGEAR UK EDITION JUNEmag for my birthday nd i cant wait 2buy THE CHALLENGES 3 DVD! A LAMBORGHINI or PRANCING THOROUGHBRED wil du hey. I njoyed reading this article
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