Jeremy Clarkson
Clarkson on: cheap cars
The ultra budget Tata Nano is being hailed by many as the biggest leap forward since the Model T Ford. So, if they're right, it's more important than the Beetle. More important than the Mini. More important than man's conquest of the moon. And amazingly, more important too than the invention of Sky+.
I don't think they are right though. Because the only thing that makes it stand out is the low, low price. Brilliant. But I could make a cheap car if I built it in a factory made from wattle and mud, paid the workers in rice and motivated them into a 20-hour day with whips and flame throwers.
Especially if the car in question didn't have to conform to any of the safety requirements that make other cars so much more expensive. Look at it this way. The Nano, on home soil, is £1,700 and that, I'll agree, is impressive. But the model we'll get in Europe will be £4,500. And I'm sorry, but £4,500 for a car with no boot, no top speed, three wheel nuts and a petrol tank under the passenger seat? That's not Sky+. That's not even a laser disc.
It's just a car. The people who've tested it already report that it's much better than the mopeds most people in that neck of the woods drive. Much better than a moped? Give me a break. That's like saying syphilis is much better than Aids.
Of course, I hope a great many Indians buy the Nano. Partly because I want Tata to make lots of money that they can spend on more supercharged Jags, and partly because its success will infuriate the eco-mentalists who like people to be poor and downtrodden. I don't, which is the main reason I want the Nano to succeed. I want it to mobilise all of South East Asia. It's only right and proper that Johnny Cong should be able to afford a car.
But here, in Britain? No thanks. Because what we are getting here is a tool, and a home-brand tool at that. Do you have a Curry's stereo system? Or a Daewoo television? No. Because while such things are cheap, they are not the real deal. You want beans on toast, you go to Heinz.
And it's the same story with cars.
Because what you're are buying when you buy a brand new cheap car is a smell and the latest registration number to impress the neighbours - who won't be impressed because almost no one knows where we are these days with the 57s and the 08s and so on. So it's just the smell. And you can achieve that by buying a second hand car and some Pledge.
Normally, the second hand car I'd recommend is an Alfa because, as we've said many times, you cannot be a petrolhead until you've had one. With an Alfa you get the sunshine. But then you get the inevitable thunderstorm. And I'd rather have that than an eternity of Tupperware grey that comes as standard with every budget stack 'em high Toyota, Kia and Nissan.
"I want Tata to make lots of money that they can spend on more supercharged Jags"
This time, however, I'm not going to suggest an Alfa, I'm going to suggest something even more preposterous: a Lancia.
I know that for many of our younger readers, a Lancia is the other car in Sega's first arcade rally game. But that wasn't just a bunch of pixels you know. That was a Delta Integrale. It existed in real life, had four-wheel drive, a turbo the size of Sicily and performance every bit as big as Michael Winner's ear lobes. And guess what? A quick check of the Autotrader site reveals you can buy one today for less than a Nano.
If you don't fancy a car with left-hand drive - I had an Escort Cosworth because of this very thing - then do not despair because this was simply the last of the great Lancias. Go further back and it's like crawling on your hands and knees through a field full of oiled-up lesbians. After 10 minutes you will end up panting with the possibilities.
There's the Fulvia HF, the HPE VX, the Beta coupe - the same car I used to cross Botswana - the Ferrari-engined Thema 8:32, and perhaps best of all, the mid-engined Monte Carlo. This came with tweed seats, a canvas Targa roof, a transverse engine and no brakes.
No, that's not fair. The early models had brakes, but those at the front would lock up without warning, causing the car to plough into a tree killing everyone inside. Very unusually, the Monte Carlo was taken out of the dealerships and put back on the drawing board, only to emerge about a year later with the problem fixed.
Except it wasn't. All they'd done in the intervening period was have a lot of lunch. And then remove the servo. This meant the front wheels wouldn't lock up any more, or indeed slow down at all unless you had iron thighs and were consequently strong enough to push the brake pedal clean through the floor. Most people didn't though, and, as a result, they would hit a tree and be killed. Unless the car had rusted away first. Which it usually had, if it was raining. Or dry. Or hot. Or cold.
This was the other thing about Lancias. They were beautiful to look at and lovely to drive, once. But to keep costs down, they were made from Communistical steel that was so thin you could see the engine through the front wings. I'm told you could even see the pistons going up and down, but I never saw that. Probably because of some catastrophic electrical failure caused by the man who was employed to install the wiring choosing to go for lunch instead.
Make no mistake. Lancias were more tangled than an iPod's earphones, and more troublesome than Robert Mugabe. In every single way, a modern Nano is a better means of getting about. But getting about is only a small part of what a car must do to worm its way into my heart.
It must be pretty, and the Nano isn't. It must have a soul, and the Nano hasn't, and it must excite you, even when it's three in the morning, you're in bed and it's on the hard shoulder of the M42, where you left it, in a cloud of steam. I guarantee the Nano won't do that either.
You will never, I assure you, think of an excuse to go into town in your Nano whereas if you had a Lancia, you'd deliberately forget the dog biscuits so you could turn round and go back. You'd be like a human yo-yo.
I've decided I must have a Lancia. I've decided that if anything they are even more extreme than Alfas. An Alfa, if you like, is hotel porn. A Lancia is the sort of stuff you can only find at the very edge of the internet. We're talking dogs here.
I've even decided which model I must have. It's a Stratos, the first car ever designed specifically for rallying. Only 492 were made, it had the engine from a Dino, which was nearly a Ferrari, and it was styled by Marcello Gandini, the man responsible for the Countach, the Diablo, the Alfa Montreal, the Maserati Khamsin, the Bugatti EB110 and the De Tomaso Pantera. It's almost like he was consumed with a never ending thirst to create the perfect supercar. And I know what fuelled this thirst. In 1972, he'd done the Stratos and he just couldn't match it.
And that's where we'll end. With a simple observation. Gandini did not style the Tata Nano. So far as I can tell, no one did.
Want to comment on this?
ya... i m from india n i dont like the car at all... but its gonna change things around here... they have to sell it on a lottery basis coz too many ppl want it..i wouldd buy a hm contessa rather than a nano...
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Well, I'm lucky enough to own an Escort Cosworth, a Lancia Delta Integale Evo II and a Group 4 Stratos rally beast among others and I definitely have to agree with everything said. These cars have a soul and are a bit like cats, you are a guest in their homes, not the other way around. The mere fact of looking at them gives you a kick in the stomach, unforgeable memories I hope to pass on to my kids. But then again when they'll be old enough there will only be electric Nanos around and anything involving explosions and oil will be banned. Oh well, live while you still can. Cheers for the article.
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This is a great idea for poor people in India, but not for here please. Even the poorest Indian wants to aspire to something better than a Nano, a Maruti DZire, Maruti Swift or even a Hyundai i10 (whatever that is??) It's a stepping stone for an emerging nation not "the biggest leap forward since the Model T Ford" what utter tosh?! If you want to be eco-nomical and eco-friendly buy a proper old car instead.
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Why should think of buying this car in briton. This car is made for the poor in india who can afford only a motorbike. However i wont even touch this car. its one dump car
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Why should think of buying this car in briton? This car is made for the poor in india who can afford only a motorbike. However i wont even touch this car. its one dump car
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you have never done anything about Volkswagen sharan so can you
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why buy a tata nano when one can simply walk? it's eco-friendly, cost-free, and healthy. if you plan to buy this car, consider walking first, you might find it better.
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What a shame it is that a website of such astronomically high wit and humor should have so many heinousley stupid comments every day. Why must everyone over-analyze everything jeremy says and try to correct him in hopes that someone will point at them and go 'ha ha, how witty'. You are not clever so stop trying to be. Now watch how much abuse i get for posting this. Jeremy, you are a legend- keep doing what you're doing.
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And people- at least you could go through the effort to spell right. Comments are not enjoyable when it's anyone's guess what is being said.
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i think more people should buy smart cars seriously think of the fun we all could have turning these fashion items into an international sport--> http://www.dutchamsterdam.nl/707-amsterdam-smart-car-canals
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I think revere should be put to death immediately before any more such "ideas" arise. No one should buy smart cars, they have no reason to.
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I would rather put a briefcase full of money on the sidewalk and set it alight.
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It's like that with everything. Low intelligence gives lame posts as shown above :-P
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Dear Jeremy, In one of your show, you condamn our national car = to rubbish right? Now, i hereby challenge you to a show down. Our proton neo vs. the car that you used in every show to test for lap. If only you dare to do so........or it's talk only. and that's go to the two of you guys too. Thanks.. Eddy from Malaysia.
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i've been in india for a month and i've asked friends and family what they think about the nano. Their answer? you're better off buying a motorbike or a scooter.
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What's better .... a moped with a three adults and couple of children sitting on the headlight or the nano .... seeing how it is here in India, the nano might be their only hope of owning a car and when it's either this car or hanging out of a moped with your back side stuck to the front of a bus, what would you choose? But i will concede, it's a horrible car :)
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What's better .... a moped with a three adults and couple of children sitting on the headlight or the nano .... seeing how it is here in India, the nano might be their only hope of owning a car and when it's either this car or hanging out of a moped with your back side stuck to the front of a bus, what would you choose? But i will concede, it's a horrible car :)
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What's better .... a moped with a three adults and couple of children sitting on the headlight or the nano .... seeing how it is here in India, the nano might be their only hope of owning a car and when it's either this car or hanging out of a moped with your back side stuck to the front of a bus, what would you choose? But i will concede, it's a horrible car :)
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I WOULD HAVE A MAZDA 2 SPORT IN SILVER IF I HAD TO HAVE A CITY CAR
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dear eddypenang, it might not be rubbish but the quality of the car is still a big issue. the fuel economy and performance is bad too. and the only reason its still surviving today is because the government is protecting it.
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useless, but funny. As always :)
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useless, but funny. As always :)
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everyone keeps going on about it being as good as the model T. why don't they just build the original model t but with some better brakes and 'normal' style controls?
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Finally a great article from JC on Lancias!!! We're waiting for you here in Torino on our next meeting on your Strat, then :-) Alberto(thinking about revving up his Fulvia after dinner... and hoping then to go to sleep sometimes before 5AM ;-)
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Finally a great article from JC on Lancias!!! We're waiting for you here in Torino on our next meeting on your Strat, then :-) Alberto(thinking about revving up his Fulvia after dinner... and hoping then to go to sleep sometimes before 5AM ;-)
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BTW, I dont' know about the Monte Carlo brakes, but with the Fulvia (and of Deltas and Themas you can say the same) they brake pretty damn well... and it's absolutely a pleasure to drive them on Alpine passes, so close to home ;-) and about rust, well here it simply doesn't happen... maybe in countries where it rains every day, then...
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As /o/ would say. Just get a Honda Jazz if you want a cheap "gud" car.
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One of the best reads in months! Thanks a lot.
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well.. perfectly said!
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Jeremy, again, you have hit the nail on the head! Automobiles are about PASSION, which is an emotion NOT stirred by mere appliances. That said, the Nano IS rather ingenious! Oh, by the way, sorry to hear about the horse manure in your driveway! Rather bizarre, and yet, rather comical- a horse is hardly "environmental sane", especially considering that methane from cows and horses causes greenhouse gases!
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PS It is only a matter of time, before a motorhead installs a Ninja motor with 200 hp inside a Nano... or perhaps an "Abarth Nano"?!!
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i am with u say right
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You might say that I'm being partisan about the car as I'm from India but the truth is that Jeremy seems to have missed the point completely. His comments are those of a man who does not know what it is like 'NOT' to have a car. When someone makes a living out of destroying the wheels off a Ferrari, he cannot be expected to take kindly to the Nano. But ask the bloke who spends hours in a crowded bus, he'll probably show to middle finger to JC. You don't like the Nano, don't buy it; no one is forcing you to. But don't dish out such drivel without understanding the reason why it exists in the first place.
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1. Its shocking for a second, then almost expected to see so many Indian's picking up their weapons and bombing Jeremy for talking about Nano - a 'whatever' that when one goes to buy - has options such as speedometer, seatbelt, spare wheel etc to choose from! It isnt any kind of milestone other than a Marketing Bitch which lately seems to work with the Indian generation - call it an Indian Milestone / achievement - India Shining / 'worst'Fastest Indian Pulsar 2whatever DTs whatever Add! etc - it sells. Agreed that it will - wait a min - If the new India that rides 4 on a scooter, rather buy a nano marketing should not work-rationaly speaking-as Jeremy pointed out,and is IN your face anyway-that the nano is not at all safe-I mean how safe is that person with 3 kids [ideal candidate to be fooled into buying it] driving or whatever a nano-who has seat belts as an option to save money! Contd.
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Id rather beef up the bateries of childs electric car-its more green to the environment. Anyway my point is - judging by nano and other products alikeof tata - I dont know what will it invest into jaguar/lr apart from the stock boom money. And Jeremy, I want to ask - what was so tempting to Jaguar that it sold itself to a company that makes nano-How are the shareholder/britishers taking it? Whats even more interesting for me while reading this page-I saw a malaysian picking up his weapons too for the Proton. Its alike the feeling-I am an Indian-I know how few a Ford T / Moon missions happen from here -so anything the Indian media plugs as WOOW, is immidiately accepted as WOOW and guarded with ferocious pride. Contd.
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We are what we choose, and our choices show our self in naked clarity to the Rational People. If I, as an Indian - choose/protect/endorse etc a Nano, it shows that I am OKay with anything that is given/thrown to me - as long as its hyped - It shows I will accept Lower/est Standards. For who says 'Jeremy you missed the point' Id say - It is being called a car by tata, and is being judged by the standards of a Car - not a Psychological Healing Pill. One more thing Jeremy, you should take a look at the sales figures of the Toyota Qualis in India-me being brought up In Oman I remember it was a model that didnt do any business pretty much around the globe-but In India,well I dont need to say anymore. Good Day Ahead.
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"India Shining / 'worst'Fastest Indian Pulsar 2whatever DTs whatever Add!" Correction: 'Worst' The Fastest Indian Bajaj Pulser 2WHATEVER CC engine - DTs WhatEVER Technology- Advertising Campaign. is an Eg. of the Marketing Bitch.
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Dear TG NewLook People, this article is ancient..so not really news..aaaand the last bits of fat on the nano were chewed off and spat out way back in march.. Can we have something new now ??
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Actually... the Stratos was NOT disegned for rallying. It was a concept car, conceived with a smaller engine and (theorically) aimed at circuit. But it was the wrong size and wheelbase (too short) and power. And Lancia needed a replacement to the Fulvia HF rally car. So, it was adapted and re-worked to rally racing.
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You don?t even have a clue to what it means to get a job, have rice instead of your f****d up greasy steak, you need to check your sources before you post filthy shit like this. Wattle and mud are the muscle and brains behind Nano, but I guess it?s in your blood u dirty b******d to see the bright side! Heck yaa history is proof of it!I seriously think you need apologies for what bogus shit you wrote. Just thank god you were not in front of me!! YOU BETTER NOT DARE TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE NANO!
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You don?t even have a clue to what it means to get a job, have rice instead of your f****d up greasy steak, you need to check your sources before you post filthy shit like this. Wattle and mud are the muscle and brains behind Nano, but I guess it?s in your blood u dirty b******d to see the bright side! Heck yaa history is proof of it! I seriously think you need apologies for what bogus shit you wrote. Just thank god you were not in front of me!! YOU BETTER NOT DARE TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE NANO!
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wow..bgosh.. I agree there are worse places to live in the world than say England but hey we're all entitled to an opinion.. I guess yours is soaked in resentment for a reason. Scribling vulgar threats on this or any other blog however is as dumb as it gets.. On the bright side it seems as though, for better or worse the most emotionally evocative set of wheels on this site is not an alfa romeo or a frrari.. no.. it's the filth flowering filth Nano.. so at least that's something you can be proud of... and mihenjo dharo.. and what ever else makes your day.. anyway try chill out a bit and believe you me.. we'll all be much much better off :D ciao
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Sir Red Baron, I agree about yr opinion I don?t mean to offend anybody, but Mr. Jeremy crossed the line, just because u become famous u think u know everything - u can write whatever u want! Freedom of speech goes vice versa Hell this was my first blog ever I wrote lol. I usually don?t give a crap. England has luxuries, hi-tech and lovely dashing cars ever built and have the resources to build them Nano is about affordability of owning a car but that?s doesn?t mean shit to him! Thats why vulgar threats r created for vulgar cheap ass people! Peace home boy !!
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Sir Baron please also note ? everyone has the freedom and is entitled to an opinion right!!- but to an honest & true opinion, not bogus cheap and illegal information from a journalism, posting crap! I don?t know whats the deal in England, I bet his ass can face a lawsuit here in US - for this penny less thought full writing lol.This is what makes my day pal. Peace again
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Umm, well, buying a Stratos ain't cheap. However, i don't just talk, i did in fact buy a cheap Lancia: a 1992 Y10. 5speed gearbox, electric windows, central locking and, best of all, full red alcantara upholstery, all this for 150k HUF (thats GBP 482 today!) And it only broke down once in 18 month usage, apart of the usuall small niggles :-) True, no boot, no top speed, no safety rating at all, and various electric gremlins, like erratick locking and berserk water temp gauge, but still a good friend, and you know what, we even took it to a youngtimer rally into the hills, which it took without a hickup, and finished third from back :-) Our Y10 road movie: http://www.vimeo.com/6735380
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A few months ago I bought myself an Alfa 'N'Reg 156 and although the clutch went a couple of months later ,in the months that i had it i never felt so much joy , much to the fact I had finally got myself an Alfa . I recommend an Alfa to Anyone .
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Hi -- Read your cheap and ill-informed comments about the Nano. Of particular cheapness was this line: ``But I could make a cheap car if I built it in a factory made from wattle and mud, paid the workers in rice and motivated them into a 20-hour day with whips and flame throwers.'' The conditions at Indian factories are far better than what's described here, but may have been true during the colonial opressive years. You may kindly look at the financial and other performance of companies based in the region near you. The ingenuity and market-success of products made in factories where people aren't paid in rice, and not given the whips are to be seen. You may wish to see that once again before ranting comments like this. You may want to see things in a more balanced perspective.
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As my username suggests, I share Clarkson's love of Alfas and completely go along with what he has to say about Lancias. But are there really any left apart from the Integrale? They mostly just made ugly 3-box stuff in the 80s and 90s. I can honestly not recall ever seeing a 70s Lancia on the road (I'm 22), so they must be pretty expensive. I searched Autotrader for Lancias only yesterday, and there were 12 - all were Integrales apart from one Thema 8.32 (the one with the Ferrari 308 engine - no idea what those were like but I guess it's a talking point.) I would LOVE a Monte Carlo, but if there are any left, I'm pretty sure they would sell for many, many, many times the price of a Nano.
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petrolheadlanka commented on this article
25 June 2009
That's quite true, the nano is being billed as an alternative to a motorbike but so far the only advantages seem to be the price and the fact that the monsoon wont wet your head, it'll just drag you out to sea with the floods.
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