Clarkson on: the Maserati Quattroporte – October 2013
Thinking about buying a new car? Richer than Croesus? Then you’ll want to look at a Quattroporte...
Clarkson on: too much power – September 2013
Less powweeerrrr! Did you ever believe you’d hear JC say that? But he’s found a way to escape from the bhp arms race
Clarkson on: middle-lane hogging – August 2013
Fines come in today in the UK for this most heinous of crimes. But Jeremy isn’t impressed…
Clarkson on: international driving standards - July 2013
Britons lead the world. But to keep it that way, says JC, we must take action...
Clarkson on: appreciation - June 2013
To appreciate good, we must suffer bad. True of people, places and, er, cars
Clarkson on: fixing Lotus - May 2013
Lotus is in trouble again. Jeremy knows exactly what’s gone wrong…
Clarkson on: car technology – April 2013
Don’t look now, but your car is spying on you
Clarkson on: road signs - March 2013
Why can’t road signs provide information in a fun way? JC has a plan…
Clarkson on: the new Range Rover – February 2013
It’s the favoured transport of dukes, footballers’ wives and drug dealers. But is the new model a step too far?
Clarkson on: tax – January 2013
JC reckons we should be charging the super-rich for extra motoring privileges…
Clarkson on: the Lexus LFA - November 2012
How can a £350,000 car with outdated technology and zero personality be Jeremy’s supercar of choice? Because it’s a machine
Clarkson on: decorating your car - October 2012
You never realised Jeremy was a design guru, hoping to empower people to express creativity…
Clarkson on: Brits – September 2012
Why do we delight in the misfortune of others? And mock those with supercars?
Clarkson on: violence - July 2012
We all abhor violence. But, every so often, ponders JC, could it be justifiable?
Clarkson on: jobs in motoring - June 2012
Some advice for those aspiring to a job in the car industry...
Clarkson on: modern tyres – May 2012
Jeremy gets tyred and emotional about how we're being ripped off by short-sighted car designers and greedy tyre makers
Clarkson on: why driving is easy – April 2012
Driving is not a rocket science. You can even catch up on your mending while at the wheel...
Clarkson on: the Hyundai Veloster - March 2012
For those who care about which car they plan to buy, character is everything
Clarkson on: saving Britain’s economy – February 2012
With the UK’s finances in a mess, there’s only one thing to do: buy a Rolls-Royce…
Clarkson on: his daughter’s first car - January 2012
Jeremy decides what to buy his daughter. After copious research, he thinks a tank's probably best...
Clarkson on: car adverts – December 2011
The future of mass car ownership looks in doubt, all because the ad world can't make them cool
Clarkson on: executive saloons - November 2011
What’s the similarity between honeymoon paradises and a big posh saloon?
Clarkson on: fragile supercars - October 2011
Jeremy's discovered all the cars he's chosen for his Christmas DVD are highly temperamental...
Clarkson on: saving the planet - September 2011
"If the Mediterranean monk seal is to have a chance of making it, the RS3 must have carbon-fibre front wings"
Clarkson on: hobbyists - August 2011
Jeremy has come up with a foolproof plan to help the UK through these straitened economic times... tax hobbyists
Clarkson on: car doors - July 2011
There is a way to stop the animosity towards drivers – do away with cars and replace them with mobile conversation devices…
Clarkson on: the new VW Beetle - June 2011
The VW Beetle has many diehard fans... Jeremy isn’t one of them
Clarkson on: Top Gear Live in South Africa - May 2011
Postcards from the edge, as the boys combat the elements to host a South African TopGear Festival that nearly kills the crew and terrifies the audience
Clarkson on: horsepower – April 2011
“If it even looks like rain and you pretend to be Michael Schumacher in a 599 GTO, you’ll end up in a tree”
Clarkson on: consumerism - March 2011
“I am thinking of giving my Range Rover away simply because it might – might – have man flu”
Clarkson on: the new Lancia Stratos - February 2011
“The new Stratos is a great car, full stop. And that’s from a man who hasn’t even driven it yet”
Clarkson on: UK PLC – Awards 2010
“Britain used to be a player on the world stage, and now it isn’t any more. We are poor”
Clarkson on: the Greeks – November 2010
“The best thing about Corfu was the sheer joy of driving in a country where no one cares if you’re blind”
Clarkson on: special effects – October 2010
Beware the special effects school of car design. Those wipers might crank up of their own accord, but it’s only to distract you from the creaking dash
Clarkson: help me mod my Merc - September 2010
‘I want rugs in burnt orange. And I see no reason why there shouldn’t be a rack in the boot for storing my AK-47’
Clarkson on: broken Britain - August 2010
Built-in obsolescence is the blight of the modern consumer – you buy something one day, but by the next it’s stopped working. Something must be done...
Clarkson on: the 911 - July 2010
After endless variants of the 911 that Jeremy would have happily had crushed, Porsche has come up with one example that he actually likes. It is a miracle
Clarkson on: petrol - June 2010
Back in the old days, driving fast was a clear manifestation of teenage boys' manhood... but not any more. Especially not now that petrol’s so expensive
Clarkson on: special effects - May 2010
Beware the special effects school of car design. Those wipers might crank up of their own accord, but it’s only to distract you from the creaking dash
Clarkson on: terror - April 2010
The only way to deal with terror threats is to ignore them, says Jeremy. The more everyone panics and reacts, the worse the problem will get...
Clarkson on: horoscopes - March 2010
Horoscopes are a load of tosh, says Jeremy. The way to gauge anyone’s personality is simply to employ the science of Pooh, Tigger and Piglet
Clarkson on: road signs - February 2010
Electronic roads signs have turned stating the obvious into an art form. How long before we see ‘Don’t crash’ flashing up over the M1? Something must be done
Clarkson on: taste - January 2010
Would you have a beer with someone who owns a Perodua Kenari? Could you even hold a conversation with a man who drives a Hyundai Sonata? Jeremy has his doubts
Quad's own country - Awards 2009
Jeremy has gone all Archers and bought a farm. It’s a great excuse to get his hands on a piece of kit that’s destined to wipe out the human race: the quad bike
Clarkson on: hybrids - December 2009
So the car industry is now obsessed with hybrids? Big mistake, says Jeremy. This is the same road that led to the catalytic converter. And what did that achieve?
Clarkson on: women - November 2009
"I once took a multi-tasking test set by the RAF. I was rubbish. All men are rubbish apparently. Only women can do it. So they would do well in F1"
Clarkson on: personalisation - October 2009
Car manufacturers, listen up. Build a car to Jeremy’s specification and the world will buy it. Apparently
Clarkson on: the end of it all - September 2009
It’s the shouty minority that are ruining things for the rest of us. JC shouts back on our behalf
Clarkson on: the system - August 2009
You’ll need to wear a hard hat and hi-viz jacket to take a slash soon. Clarkson blames our blame culture
Clarkson on: supercars - July 2009
Jeremy reveals that men with supercars have small penises and crap themselves when they go round corners
Clarkson on: cheap cars - June 2009
Clarkson has a theory about cheap motoring. Which revolves around buying dodgy old Italian cars. Excellent
Clarkson on: Norfolk - May 2009
Need a ring road? Do what some Aussies did and build it yourself. Because the government won't. Oh no
Clarkson on: drinking - April 2009
Jeremy plays on his arcade games, then has a drink. It’s bad news for his top scores...
Clarkson on: the new Focus RS - March 2009
The last Focus RS was a disappointment. Not this one. JC straps himself into Ford’s 300bhp monster and goes in search of his inner hooligan
Clarkson on: roads - March 2009
"With every move, our glorious leaders attempt to thwart and penalise the driver. Penalty points. Sleeping policemen, traffic wardens from the Nazi party"
Clarkson on: the future - February 2009
The party's over. Get ready for a long, tedious period of ascetic motoring
Clarkson on: living the dream - January 2009
Jeremy has been on tour, but it’s not quite what he hoped it would be. Shame
Clarkson on: massage - December 2008
Jeremy is frustrated. Enough with the no pain, no gain theory...
Clarkson on: finance - December 2008
Get ready to eat your postman: financial meltdown is on its way!
Clarkson on: mopeds - November 2008
Jeremy has been to Vietnam and experienced proper traffic organisation and flow
Clarkson on: celebrity - October 2008
JC rants at brain-dead, celebrity-obsessed mediocrities everywhere
Clarkson on: idiots - September 2008
Are you a brain-dead, celebrity-obsessed mediocrity who can't drive? Then this is the column for you!
Clarkson on: Porsche - August 2008
Jeremy really doesn't like Porsches. Even though he really likes them. It's to do with hobbyists. And tossers
Clarkson on: choice - July 2008
JC wants what he wants, not what car manufacturers want him to have
Clarkson on: sport - June 2008
Would you like to see Lewis Hamilton shagging Kimi Raikkonen's missus?
Clarkson on: beating the budget - May 2008
Jeremy can't help you with petrol prices or do much about road pricing. But he can help you with the ridiculous road tax...
Clarkson on: electricity - April 2008
JC conducts a debate into the nature of electricity. Offers some shocking solutions
Clarkson on: old saloons - March 2008
Today's saloon cars don't cut the Clarkson family mustard, so Jeremy buys a Mercedes 600 Grosser instead
Clarkson on: motor racing - February 2008
Jeremy curses the fact that life is now too short to properly enjoy endurance racing. There's always Bingo, Jezza
Clarkson on: beating the system - January 2008
Smug, Lexus-powered ways to make Red Ken even crosser
Clarkson on: attraction - December 2007
Truth is beauty, beauty is truth. Which, says Jeremy, makes the new Subaru Impreza a whopping lie
Clarkson on: petrolheads - December 2007
Jeremy finally meets Uma Thurman at a dinner party. He sees a goddess, she sees a car geek in a tracksuit
Clarkson on: risk taking - November 2007
Are those who spend their lives taking risks yobs or inspirational? Jeremy knows...
Clarkson on: classic cars - October 2007
Older cars are often more aesthetically pleasing than more modern designs, but the mechanicals are appalling. Fortunately, Jeremy has the answer
Clarkson on: car interiors - September 2007
Bored with the interior of your car? Then why not pebble-dash the dash and fit Doric columns to the A-pillars. Anything, so long as it's not grey.
Clarkson on: the 'perfect' car - August 2007
This month Jeremy ponders whether there is such a thing as a ‘perfect’ car... and if there is, would you actually ever want to own it?
Clarkson on: in-car entertainment - July 2007
A lack of in-car stimulation can seriously dull your driving skills, says Jeremy. Phone calls, fags and banishing Bob Harris could be the answer
Clarkson on: Formula One - June 2007
F1 needs a shake-up, says Jeremy. More drinking, more screwing and setting fire to Martin Brundle’s trousers would be a good start
Clarkson on: Top Gear content - May 2007
What to do? What to do? JC’s having a crisis over the content of Top Gear. And he needs your help to soothe his fevered brow
Clarkson on: tyres - April 2007
The way things are going, says Jeremy, there’s a very real danger that all cars will soon, in fact, be the same. Thank goodness for tyres, then...
Clarkson on: 4x4s - March 2007
Land Rover is missing the big SUV market of the future, says JC. It's not yummy mummies who need decent 4x4s, it's the British Army
Clarkson on: the Porsche GT3 - February 2007
Is the original always the best, ponders Jeremy? Of course it is, and that’s why he won’t be buying a Porsche 911 GT3
Clarkson on: the Germans - January 2007
Jeremy warns of a possible German invasion - led by the enormous Mercedes GL
Clarkson on: spending money - December 2006
JC ordering a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder? James has been up to his old tricks again...
Clarkson on: quad bikes - November 2006
Sometimes, says JC, you don't need the latest supercar to enjoy a journey. In some cases the journey alone makes an experience special
Clarkson on: technology - October 2006
Aarghh! Buying the latest fashion in high-tech is just one big gamble after another, says Jeremy. Can’t we just have things that work properly?
Clarkson on: Americans - September 2006
Americans were once fairly innocuous – loud and brash, yes, but basically harmless. But now things have changed... and how, says Jeremy
Clarkson on: idiots - August 2006
He doesn’t suffer fools gladly, our Jeremy. Mind you, when they’re in charge of cars who can blame him? It’s just dangerous to let them drive
Clarkson on: the Corvette Z06 - July 2006
All too often in life we can be blinded by beauty, and overlook the hideousness it hides, says JC. Take the Chevrolet Corvette Z06 for example...
Clarkson on: the American muscle - June 2006
Another day, another favourite car in the whole world ever. Only thing is, this one’s American... and Jeremy’s not too keen on bank-rolling Bush
Clarkson on: the future - May 2006
The future isn’t bright, says Jeremy. It’s actually very dim and rather scary. And it doesn’t feature cars or television. Oh dear, oh dear. What to do...
Clarkson on: the fuel crisis - April 2006
When the oil supplies run out, will we have to scrap our cars? Will civilisation collapse? Don’t worry, says JC, it ain’t running out anytime soon
Clarkson on: Rover - March 2006
With Rover gone, what cars are there left for a patriotic Brit to choose from? Not many, says Jeremy – a man who buys his cars from the US
Clarkson on: Top Gear - February 2006
The BBC has a global smash on its hands with Top Gear, so what does the corporation do? Replace the show with a load of old balls...
Clarkson on: the Bugatti Veyron - January 2006
In a rare moment of reflection and soul-searching, Jeremy admits he can be wrong. Even over Top Gear's Car of the Year, the Bugatti Veyron...
Clarkson on: the British road system - December 2005
Jeremy's been to France, and it's got him wondering why the British road system is so mind-bogglingly bad? Three guesses...
Clarkson on: taking the scenic route - November 2005
If Jeremy rockets through your district, it's only because it's dull
Clarkson on: noisy motorcycles - October 2005
First backache, and now a bike-induced headache. Poor old Jeremy
Clarkson on: pain and road safety - September 2005
Jeremy is in pain. And the drugs are playing havoc with his brain
Clarkson on: Communism - August 2005
This month, comrade Jeremy longs for the good old days under Stalin
Clarkson on: gadgets - July 2005
Technophobe Jeremy admits to being in love with his iPod... and 7 Year Bitch
Clarkson on: TVRs - June 2005
In a world obsessed with lawsuits and suing, thank the lord for TVR
Clarkson on: mollycoddling - May 2005
Bring back the days when kids found things out for themselves, says JC
Clarkson on: protest - April 2005
It's no secret that motorists are persecuted, but protesting is not the answer says JC. Just buy a 4x4
Clarkson on: luck - March 2005
Who is the luckiest man alive? George W Bush, perhaps, for getting in not once but twice? No. Apparently it’s JC
Clarkson on: car colours - February 2005
Stroppy New Romantics, multicoloured leg warmers, white cars... it’s the Eighties all over again, reckons JC
Clarkson on: women - January 2005
When it comes to cars, sisters are doing it for themselves nowadays. JC is happy to hold the door open for them
Clarkson on: competitiveness - December 2004
A lifetime of losing has severely curbed JC’s competitive streak. But the Nürburgring saw it surging back
Clarkson on: car stereos - November 2004
Car stereos are a right pain in the arse. JC knows it, we know it and you know it. Why don’t the manufacturers?
Clarkson on: speed - October 2004
'Kill your speed', say the ads. All very well, but the problem is, it’s part of what makes us human in the first place
Clarkson on: bumpy rides - September 2004
Emerging from your car with the shakes? JC does these days and it's got nothing to do with the effects of a hangover
Clarkson on: teaching kids to drive - August 2004
In the face of the environmentalists’ accusations of eco-destruction, the best defence is the car, says JC
Clarkson on: his greatest ever drive - July 2004
Wales, downpours, Jaguar XKRs - JC disproves the theory that driving’s only fun when the sun’s out
Clarkson on: fuel light bingo - June 2004
What started out as a test of an engine had turned into a test of my driving ability. If people concentrated as hard as I was concentrating, no one would crash
Clarkson on: beautiful cars - May 2004
JC, the anti-Renaissance man, finds beauty all around him, even Slough...
Clarkson on: parking - April 2004
Jeremy demands automated parking for all, anything to avoid a visit to the Osteopath...
Clarkson on: the perfect transport system - March 2004
JC imagines a transport paradise: buses for the elderly, marksmen for timewasters and a jack-booted Ministry for common sense...
Clarkson on: clothes - February 2004
He might not care for fashion but JC knows what not to wear
Clarkson on: Concorde’s death - January 2004
JC gets in touch with the feelings of machines and mourns the loss of a British icon
Clarkson on: coupes - December 2003
'After a drive in the 350Z from Sheffield to London earlier in the year, I had such a headache that I considered chopping it off. In the end I ate so many paracetamol pills, I grew a second penis'
Clarkson on: the BMW Z4 - November 2003
'If I asked the satnav for the shortest route, it took me on roads last used by King Harold. And believe me, the last place you want to be in a Z4 is on a bumpy mediaeval back road'
Clarkson on: machines - October 2003
'Cars are as reliable as a West African dictatorship, as dependable as a four-year-old child. If you tried to drive a car round the world, you’d be lucky to reach Ashford'
Clarkson on: Goodwood - September 2003
'Standing between me and my lunch was David Coulthard. If anyone has a reason for punching me in the stomach, it’s him. But he’s a gentleman so things were cool'
Clarkson on: soft tops - August 2003
Rag-top cars may seem like a good idea, all that fresh air and sun, the posing potential; but Jeremy thinks otherwise. And being a man in a convertible is fraught with all kinds of dangers...
Clarkson on: gardening - July 2003
Clarkson may just have won another award for being a journalistic whizz, but he’s no Alan Titchmarsh in the garden. The same goes for car manufacturers who, despite years of practice, still screw it up
Clarkson on: sports cars - June 2003
JC risks an attack of jogger’s nipple as he goes in search of the elusive pigeon-hole marked ‘sports car’. He then ponders the possibility of dropping the new Ford StreetKa and Smart Roadster in it
Clarkson on: marketing - May 2003
Another lap of the big man’s mind, taking in Famous Five corner, Beyblade bend, the Harry Potter hairpin and the Porsche 911 pits, while trying to avoid swapping ends along the way. Go, go, go!
Clarkson on: luck - April 2003
Had enough of the ineffable boredom of motorway driving? Can’t stomach another 1000 degree ‘fruit’ pie from the service station? Bet on red with the fuel needle, suggests JC
Clarkson on: choice - March 2003
Cars are suffering from the same affliction as training shoes, says JC. There’s far too much choice available and both need to stop over-complicating themselves and get back to basics
Clarkson on: the Cool Wall - February 2003
TG TV received 20,000 e-mails recently when JC introduced the concept of a Cool Wall for measuring car ‘coolness.’ So is your motor too cool for school or is it a Scouser in a shell suit?
Clarkson on: danger - January 2003
Our anthropological columnist explains why men are really just monkeys who’ve learned to use computers and that hunting down the car in front of you is actually the best way to feel safe
Clarkson on: the Aston DB7 - December 2002
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and when Clarkson beholds the DB7 he sees the best looking car in the world. Just as well, because it gives him the driving experience of an Athena print
Clarkson on: Jaguar - November 2002
Everyone at Jaguar will be celebrating Eddie Irvine’s Monza podium, but Jeremy reckons the company is off the racing line and losing its aspirational edge
Clarkson on: German cars - October 2002
The world’s car industry is in trouble, says Jeremy, and the only country capable of putting the driving passion back into driving is, unsurprisingly, Germany
Clarkson on: classic cars - September 2002
Jeremy can’t stand sunny days in England. It’s a cue for the classic-car brigade to dust off their old relics and splutter about in sepia-tinted nostalgia
Clarkson on: the Mini Cooper S - August 2002
JC rode that thin line between love and hate when he spent three weeks with the Mini Cooper S. And it seems the S in the name stands for Style
Clarkson on: domestic bliss - July 2002
Jeremy demonstrates that in the struggle to achieve domestic bliss, he has to settle for a back seat, especially when Mrs C is looking to buy a new car
Clarkson on: Denmark - June 2002
JC doesn’t like to be restrained (well, not in public) and it’s reached the stage where he has to tear round a field in a Danish go-kart to feel truly free
Clarkson on: the Impreza Turbo - May 2002
This month Jeremy is racing around in a Scooby...
Clarkson on: the Vectra - April 2002
Haven’t those poor souls at Vauxhall been punished enough? Er, no, not as far as Jeremy is concerned. We suggest their PR staff fit their blindfolds now...
Clarkson on: the E-Type - March 2002
It is just as well they don’t make things like they used to, as Jeremy quickly realised in his 20,000-mile journey round Europe in an E-Type Jaguar
Clarkson on: the Euro - February 2002
We’ll have no Euro-scepticism here! JC comes over all continental, praising the new currency and warning of the evils of the ‘51st state’ of mind
Clarkson on: speed limits - January 2002
The government are meddling with speed, bemoans Jeremy, but rather than reducing the speed limit on motorways, it wants to selectively increase it
Clarkson on: individuality - December 2001
Jeremy recently discovered that individuality isn’t always a good thing because you can be so out of step with the rest of the world that nothing satisfies
Clarkson on: the Dutch - November 2001
Jeremy Clarkson is in Holland, admiring the Dutch for their proactive disdain for speed cameras and their healthy attitude to adornments of the intimate nature
Clarkson on: murder - September 2001
Your risk of departing this mortal coil at the hands of another depends largely on where you live, but JC reckons that the car’s days as a preferred murder weapon are all but over
Clarkson on: the Trabant - August 2001
Stone-washed denim, 80s rock and an E-Type Jag? Sounds like a recipe for Clarkson’s perfect weekend. Sadly, his destination, a Trabant rally in eastern Germany, proved less of a dream
Clarkson on: ageing - July 2001
Feeling his age is something Jeremy has gradually got used to, but he certainly didn’t think his car of choice in the late 80s, the Audi quattro, would also suffer the vagaries of old age
Clarkson on: Britain - June 2001
Are the people that pay large amounts of money to visit our country mad? JC thinks so. He feels sorry for anyone who comes here and wonders why Britannia is so uncool
Clarkson on: used Rollers - May 2001
Jeremy regrets not taking advice from Quentin Willson about a used-car buy, but then he doesn’t really fit the description of the ‘it boys’ who are cruising around in Rolls-Royces anyway
Clarkson on: the government - April 2001
JC has men on his mind this month: men with each other, men with children and men being in charge of the country who poke their noses into every minutiae of our lives
Clarkson on: overtaking - March 2001
Overtaking is a highly overrated activity, says JC, unless you are dashing home for Chris Tarrant or watching Formula One, where it is just too dull and rule-led without it
Clarkson on: car manufacturing - February 2001
The business of car manufacturing is anything but compassionate, says Jeremy, as yet more jobs are lost because it is cheaper to make a car anywhere else in the world but here
Clarkson on: off-roaders - January 2001
The ‘does what is says on the tin’ objective has been abandoned by car manufacturers, says JC, with the ubiquitous off-roader that simply can’t go off-road as a prime example
Clarkson on: car shopping - December 2000
There's no such thing as a bargain barge in this price-slashing climate, says Jeremy, because when it comes to selling that steal of the century on, you’ll no longer be quite so happy
Clarkson on: publishing - September 2000
We all live and learn. JC has just learned a lesson in book publishing and some car manufacturers are, perhaps, about to learn a lesson about over specialising their products
Clarkson on: his other half - July 2000
The reliable Jag has broken down and Jeremy has been forced to use his Ferrari – surprisingly, the car usually reserved for mistress-like behaviour has been displaying wife-like traits
Clarkson on: England - March 2000
Riling against the liberal prophets of doom, JC reminds us that, despite all the farcical millennium celebrations, the English still have some things to shout about
Clarkson on: the Net - February 2000
It’s not that Jeremy is really a Luddite, it’s just that he can’t understand why people trust the Internet to deliver so much – some purchases still need the human touch
Clarkson on: Tony Blair - January 2000
Jeremy enjoys the odd lash around in a performance car, but he fears the time will come when driving fast – or just driving, if the government get away with it – will be folklore
Clarkson on: the Audi TT - December 1999
Jeremy is turning his back on his fellow motoring writers, for he is no longer happy to thrash around at the mercy of a car’s oversteer – especially in the light of Audi's withdrawal of the TT
Clarkson on: the police - November 1999
Never one to take the law into his own hands, JC bemoans a police force that’s more preoccupied with catching speeders and getting on telly than convicting real criminals
Clarkson on: John Prescott - October 1999
Not one to avoid ‘deliberate’ controversy, Jeremy will dedicate his column to whoever and whatever he likes. And the whatever this month is Prescott’s preposterous bus fixation
Clarkson on: the Ferrari 360 Modena - September 1999
It’s not often that Jeremy takes exception to the opinions of the road testers on this magazine, but when there’s a Ferrari involved, he‘s prepared to get personal
Clarkson on: car makers - August 1999
Shock, horror, JC has very little to complain about, but that’s the problem: car makers are doing their job too well and spoiling the fun of laying into the lame ducks of yesteryear
Clarkson on: the BMW M5 - July 1999
So, let’s get this straight, Jeremy. The BMW M5 holds all the appeal of a plush Barratt home and the Fiat Multipla is a car you want to own. When did you last have a holiday?
Clarkson on: the Mitsubishi Galant - June 1999
We think he’s turning Japanese, we really think so. Because why else would Jeremy covet, of all things, a Mitsubishi Galant, a car with all the ambience and charm of a Novotel foyer
Clarkson on: the Merc S-Class - May 1999
After a brief encounter with Mercedes’ hi-tech S-Class, abacus-trained Jeremy considers how the rich and famous will have to revise their employment criteria for chauffeurs
Clarkson on: the Rover 75 - April 1999
One man’s poison is another’s fruit claims Jeremy as he gives our road testers a taste of their own medicine. And if they criticised the Rover 75, then Jezza sets the record straight
Clarkson on: leaving Top Gear TV - March 1999
So, then, Jeremy, you have gone. Sardonic humour was your trademark. Wearing old jeans was another
Clarkson on: the Astra SRi - February 1999
Never the Aussie’s friend, to his surprise JC has found he likes Kiwis and loves the new Astra SRi
Clarkson on: limos - January 1999
The world-famous chat show host turns motoring journalist to discover the best chauffeur-driven limo
Clarkson on: driving tests - December 1998
Get ready for the all-new, foolproof, zero-tolerance JC driving test. Because people never learn, do they?
Clarkson on: the VW Golf - November 1998
Where have all the nice Golfs gone? Far, far away. JC’s second coming to London really gets his goat
Clarkson on: persuasion - October 1998
JC is deluged with complaints from people who have made one terrible mistake. They believed him
Clarkson on: Two Jags - September 1998
John Prescott is, unsurprisingly, high on JC’s hate list right now. But where does black leather come in?
Clarkson on: the European parliament - August 1998
European union doesn’t seem to have got as far as JC’s house. Not while the no fun party is in power
Clarkson on: the Jag XJR V8 - July 1998
Brilliant, the new Jag, but it’s black and a nightmare to keep clean. And Jeremy’s allergic to washing cars
Clarkson on: fast women - June 1998
Jeremy bites the bullet and adds another salvo to the war of the sexes as he chats up fast women
Clarkson on: vanity - May 1998
Vanity is a terrible thing, it could even kill. But so could an NSX or an XJ220 if you’re caught unaware
Clarkson on: the new Beetle - April 1998
"The old Beetle was bought by a bunch of tree-huggers precisely because it was crappy"
Clarkson on: the Ford Scorpio - March 1998
Football is, apparently, the beautiful game. Not something that could be said of the Ford Scorpio
Clarkson on: Extreme Machines - February 1998
So you think cars are exciting? Clarkson’s been road testing some out-of-bodywork experiences
Clarkson on: the Merc A-Class - January 1998
Mercedes’ A-Class got glowing reviews in the motor press. JC feels they may have rolled over too soon
Clarkson on: F1 - December 1997
Formula One is a great sport where the best man wins by talent alone. Or is it? Jeremy has doubts
Clarkson on: niche cars - November 1997
New Labour, New Britain, New Jezza. With no gripes to harvest, make hay while the sun shines
Clarkson on: John Prescott - October 1997
Dearly beloved, please take your pews for this month’s anti-sermon from the book of Jeremy
Clarkson on: Nelson Mandela - September 1997
Beware. JC’s in full ‘life’s too short’ mode. So woe betide anyone who wastes time on a Corolla G6
Clarkson on: coupes - August 1997
Entering the realms of unexplained phenomena, Jeremy calculates that two plus two equals Moon
Clarkson on: roadworks - July 1997
Our man Clarkson is fed up with the curse of the cone; he suspects a constructionists’ conspiracy
Clarkson on: Jaguar’s birthday - June 1997
Brits avoid conflict and prefer stiff upper lips. Not so JC, a man prepared to fight for his right to party
Clarkson on: the Grand Prix - May 1997
To Germans it’s schadenfreude. To JC it’s yah boo sucks humour and, in the Grand Prix, he loves it
Clarkson on: motorbikes - April 1997
So you think motorbikes are fast and fun? JC has decided that two wings are better than two wheels
Clarkson on: sports cars - March 1997
What do girls’ knickers have to do with deciding which sports car to buy? JC Superperve explains
Clarkson on: airboats - February 1997
You think cars are the height of excitement? Until you’ve driven an airboat, you haven’t lived
Clarkson on: the Rover 200 - January 1997
After road rage – age rage. Clarkson gets into a bit of a stew over the Rover 200 and the IQ of OAPs
Clarkson on: the Corvette - December 1996
Driving the automotive version of the All American Hero proves a letdown followed by a breakdown
Clarkson on: car dealers - November 1996
"You, with your pathetic demand, for one miserable paltry little Fiesta, are basically a damn nuisance"
Clarkson on: the Skyline - October 1996
You can’t keep a good car down and Clarkson will keep going on (and on) about the Skyline
Clarkson on: the Ford Scorpio - September 1996
Fortunately for us humans, appearances aren’t everything. Clarkson hopes the same’s true for cars
Clarkson on: Le Mans - August 1996
With sod all else to do, Clarkson revisits Le Mans with a bearded GT nut, and finds himself on a mission
Clarkson on: boring cars - July 1996
Manufacturers beware. Clarkson’s on the warpath for mundane motors and he’s taking no prisoners
Clarkson on: the BMW M5 - June 1996
The marque maketh the man, says the man with a mission to cuddle the cat and battle the Boche
Clarkson on: environmentalists - May 1996
Clarkson takes on the environmentalists, who, he believes, could well be the next world threat
Clarkson on: flying - April 1996
You want to read stuff about cars? Sorry, wrong magazine. This month Clarkson is really flying
Clarkson on: the FSO Polonez - March 1996
Jeremy discovers that a ghost from the motoring past is still alive and kicking and back to haunt him
Clarkson on: the Jaguar XJ220 - February 1996
A thrash in an XJ220 fails to arouse Jeremy’s thrill glands after his taste of fast life on the ocean wave
Clarkson on: the M1 - January 1996
JC is a desperate man – his bladder is way over the legal limit, and it shows as he carves up the M1
Clarkson on: Texas - December 1995
Even non-PC JC squirms after finding that Texas’s big things include big cars, big egos and bigots
Clarkson on: Big Foot - November 1995
The big man finds a motor that suits his build and requests his local council to widen the high street
Clarkson on: speed - October 1995
Speed kills and speed thrills and as long as it does the latter, why waste time fretting about the former?
Clarkson on: the Ford GT40 - September 1995
Jeremy’s GT40 dreams remain untainted by reality. Only trouble is, gee whizz, he’s dreamin’ his life away
Clarkson on: CCTV - August 1995
Our man in Monaco finds that you can flush away the scum but, come what may, a toilet is still a toilet
Clarkson on: Fulham - July 1995
Jeremy’s local council has finally found a way to drive this troublesome resident clean out of town
Clarkson on: public relations - June 1995
In the world of motoring magazines, objectivity is a fine thing – unless the only object is being first
Clarkson on: the MGF - May 1995
Jeremy is aghast to find himself sharing the love that dare not speak its name – the love of an MG
Clarkson on: the Nissan Sunny - April 1995
Instead of banning young drivers for speeding, the authorities should paint Nissan Sunnys lime green
Clarkson on: mortality - March 1995
Jeremy casts off the checked trousers of healthy living in a bid to die young, happy and continent
Clarkson on: rallying - February 1995
Jeremy learns the true meaning of the blind leading the blind and misses out on the blackbird madras
Clarkson on: books - January 1995
Jeremy reads a proper book and learns a load of bizarre stuff about tuna and the joys of riveting
Clarkson on: Bob Seger - December 1994
In which the boy Clarkson meets a lifetime hero and gets some Motown soul – with a silver bullet
Clarkson on: Iceland - November 1994
Bored with living in dull suburban Britain? Why not take Jeremy’s advice and move to groovy Iceland?
Clarkson on: cable TV - October 1994
Jeremy gets cable TV and suffers a barrage of JCBs, bad suits, cheesy grins and Tony Blackburn
Clarkson on: Michael Schumacher - September 1994
"I gave up with the conversation and settled back to watch the fastest man in F1 deal with the slowest sports car in the world"
Clarkson on: PACTS - August 1994
"According to a little known government qango, the most irresponsible and dangerous programme on television is Top Gear"
Clarkson on: flogging - July 1994
Jeremy’s sawn-off Cosworth sparks a politically unsound rant and lots of flogging
Clarkson on: the M25 - June 1994
How can the government make money for its motorways? Jeremy has a fiendishly clever idea
Clarkson on: privatisation - May 1994
How can going to see a film result in a major change in the policing of our roads? Clarkson explains
Clarkson on: motoring journalism - April 1994
"We like cars, but we don’t wear anoraks. If you do have an anorak, try Autocar"
Clarkson on: babies - March 1994
"I have been told, quite firmly in fact, that the nanny will be a moose, or there will be no nanny at all"
Clarkson on: drink-driving - February 1994
"At night, the police tend to stop youngsters in hot hatchbacks rather than rosy-cheeked farmers in Jags"
Clarkson on: greed - January 1994
"The safety lobby must now realise that Gordon Gekko is back in the driving seat"
Clarkson on: Norfolk - December 1993
"The spoiler fascinated them because they reckoned it might be some sort of crop sprayer"
Clarkson on: diesel - November 1993
"The diesel lobby argues that petrol contains fumes that will kill us all. This is nonsense"
Clarkson on: statistics - October 1993
"Each month this column is going to talk very little about cars and quite a lot about the evils of socialism, smoking and why it's good for you"