Jeremy Clarkson
Clarkson on: personalisation
You join me in Southern Spain where the women are orange and the men are wanted for questioning. Sadly though, I am not down here to roast an egg on my stomach or to make sex with a young lady. I'm here to make my annual DVD which means I'm at the Ascari race track just outside Ronda.
Built as a plaything by a Dutchman, it curls and swoops for five kilometres, and is very excellent in every way. I especially like the pool in which you can cool off after a hot lap. And the waitresses in the bar. And the weather. But most of all, I like the cars we have down here.
Let me make you a bit jealous. Right now, parked outside the pit garage where I'm writing, there is a Murciélago SV, a Gallardo 560, a Jaguar XKR drophead, a Lotus Evora, which is doing its best to put me off by sounding its alarm for no reason every few minutes, a BMW M3, a Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst, an Aston Martin V12 Vantage, a Ford Focus RS and an Audi R8 V10. All of them are full of fuel. All of them are ready to go. The track is empty. I'm the only driver here. And I have a big pot of keys sitting right in front of me. It's like a bag of sweeties, only better.
Which one would you most like to drive round the track? For me, it'd be the Aston. It's what F1 drivers call pointy and what I call a twitchy little bastard. The short wheelbase and wide track combine to make it extremely precise but extremely waggly tailed if you forget what you're doing for a moment. Fun though. More fun even than the bonkers Vauxhall with the Aussie soundtrack.
Here's the thing though. For the daily commute from my hotel in Ronda to the track, and for nights out in Romford by the Sea, or Marbella as I believe the Spanish insist on calling it, I have been using the Jaaaaaag.
Partly, of course, this is because I like the slightly tatty, down-on-his-luck charm of the whole Jag thing. I'm talking about the sort of person who never has a problem with the bank or the leasing company - just a ‘misunderstanding'. The sort of person who has a huge house with a swimming pool one minute, but is crashing on your sofa the next because of a ‘small problem' with the tax people. Jag people are nice. They're funny. They're mannered. Let's not forget that Arthur Daley always raised his hat to a lady.
The other reason why I use the XKR all the time is because it is just so damn good looking. Maybe, just maybe, the windscreen is a tad too vertical and perhaps the headlights have a whiff of Hyundai, a sense perhaps that they're trying too hard. But worrying about this sort of thing is like worrying about Cindy Crawford's mole.
As a driver's car, of course, it is beaten in all the disciplines by almost all the cars here. The Lambos are more grippy, the Audi is more predictable, the Vantage is way faster and you can be more of a hooligan in either the Vauxhall or the Ford. But if you were looking for one car that combined all these things: grip, power and handling, then you would be using the Jag as well. It can even do hooliganism if you get the nose to turn in and give it a bootful.
Large chunks of my being want to buy an XKR. I absolutely love it. Especially the canvas hood, which makes you realise how ungainly the metal alternatives are. Vandalism? Yes, but not when I come to power, because anyone who messes with another man's wheels will be set on fire. In front of their families.
"Large chunks of my being want to buy a Jaguar XKR. I absolutley love it. It is an excellent, five-star car. Except for one small thing. It was designed for you. Not me"
All in all then, an excellent, five-star, brilliant car. Except for one small thing. It was designed for you. Not me.
You would like the touch-screen control system. I don't. You would like the choice of four screen savers. I think that's silly. You would like the seats. I'm not sure. And so it goes on.
Happily, of course, I've had an idea. In the same way that Lloyd Grossman has tailored a sauce to suit his own requirements, I'd like to offer my services to Jag to design a special Lloyd Grossman version of the XKR. Only we couldn't call it the Lloyd Grossman because that would be stupid. And we couldn't call it the Jeremy Clarkson either because Jeremy is the stupidest name in the world. And Clarkson is a bit dreary. In fact, I haven't thought of a name yet.
But I have thought of everything else. First of all, the seats. They are extremely comfortable and the range of adjustments guarantees everyone can find a driving position to suit. But they are ugly. The squab is too long. And the backrest too short. In my edition, they would be replaced with Recaros.
In the back, there would be some changes as well. I know that Jag couldn't sell the old XK in America when it was a two-seater and that when they squeezed a bench in there, success followed. But this is because Americans are stupid and couldn't see that the bench was not big enough to seat any life form apart, perhaps, from amoeba.
In my Lloyd Grossman version, the seat would be replaced by a lighter, carpeted bench. It would have chromed rails on it too, so that luggage didn't make scuff marks.
Colour? It would be the metallic olive green that you used to be able to specify on a Range Rover until they unwisely removed it from the spec sheets. You want blue? Tough. Black? Nope. Brown? Have you thought about a Peugeot?
Other things? I'd fit the new dials that don't exist except in cyberspace from the Range Rover, and all the bongs telling me to shut the door or stop reversing or put my seatbelt on would be removed and inserted in Gordon Brown's bottom.
Then there's the exhaust. I know that the sound made by all modern sports cars is fake. Acoustic tuning is now very much part of a car's design process. There are valves and chambers and God knows what else to ensure that after 3,000rpm, when the EU's noise abatement people have packed up their microphones and gone home, the quiet hum becomes a gigantic bellow.
The trouble is that in the Jag the noise that results really does sound fake. It's a lovely crackle, but what I'm looking for on my special edition is an elephantine bellow, with a mournful howl at the top and, on the overrun, a derisory Lambo-style snort. It's as though the whole car is saying "Pah. What have you lifted off for?".
You may be thinking then, that with body hugging seats, a louder exhaust and the smaller alcantara steering wheel I've forgotten to mention till now, I'm looking for more sportiness. Not so. The new 5.0-litre supercharged V8 is perfect. I'd leave it alone. Same with the automatic gearbox. But I would address the ride comfort.
Jag has proved it knows what it's doing on this score. The XFR manages to handle like a greased supermodel, but feel as soft as a prolapsed stomach on even the most Belgian cobble. The XKR does not. It's too firm and that's wrong for someone who's 49 and three-quarters.
I want my car to look sporty, feel sporty and sound sporty. I want to know it can slide, but most of all I want it to glide.
None of the changes I've talked about here require much effort on Jag's part. The architecture and major components would be unchanged but the result would be a car designed for me. And strangely, I bet you'd like it more than the one they've designed for you.
Want to comment on this?
Jaguar JCR can't wait!
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Well if we choose to think of our cars as instuments of passion expressed,like a les paul,a flying v or a stratocaster, I suppose a JLR custom shop by TATA would be one seriously ubcool way of solving our problems.. As far as Clarkson's ambitions go.. I think the HKR "HALFORDS" would be a profoundly suitable name..:D Sorry Jezz, you asked for it !
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ps Jag might have designed their cars for us(sub40,s) but for some strange, diabolically unfair reason you are the one most likely to buy1..They have truly got it wrong yet again..>D
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Hmm, sorry I just have to say something here, and you're not going to like it. First of all, I'm not British, and therefore, I've never liked Jags. Don't know why, but they just don't look or feel right. Whenever I see a Jag in my country, it's just a car, you don't even notice it, it looks boring somehow. Same story when I'm looking to buy a car, Jags just never ever get my attention, it's like I'm looking : Audi, Merc, BMW, etc and like, whoa, wait a minute, was there a Jag also in the list ? Even now, you could make that Jag you're talking about, but sorry, I'd still miss it on the list, I wouldn't even think about it.
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^beauty is in the eye of the beholder.. you say audi,bmw, merc.. I say Jaguar,Aston Martin, Lotus, TVR.. and we're both on the money, just different sides of the coin...:D
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and yes, you get tails :DDD
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Every year I keep waiting all year long for Clarkson´s annual DVD. Some of them are constant entertaining "films" on my Car´s DVD Player! And for the Jag, I think it could be named "XKpoooooooweR" :D Thanks from BRAZIL! Long life for you Clarkson.
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i totally agre with u jc. cars these days especially the high end ones claim to make our life easier bhind the wheel but somehow they have the knack of doing the complete opposite. therse s just too much gadgetry,sometimes you feel like you are going into orbit rather than just around the block. cars should be simple and straight forward. who needs a screensaver and a nice complicated touchscreen control panel and music system when you have over 400 ponies(atleast) screaming from under the hood or the boot in some cases. btw what are your views on the porsche body design don't you think its high time they change their design a little bit?
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i totally agre with u jc. cars these days especially the high end ones claim to make our life easier bhind the wheel but somehow they have the knack of doing the complete opposite. therse s just too much gadgetry,sometimes you feel like you are going into orbit rather than just around the block. cars should be simple and straight forward. who needs a screensaver and a nice complicated touchscreen control panel and music system when you have over 400 ponies(atleast) screaming from under the hood or the boot in some cases. btw what are your views on the porsche body design don't you think its high time they change their design a little bit?
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One of JC's best pieces so far... Cheers!!! and Drive On!!! You could ask TATA to gift you your special Jaaaaag for your 50th Birthday!!!
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I'd love to see you, captain slow and the hamster go all bonkers on a XKR to make it "Top Gear". Remember the Avantime? But on a little bit more serious note, the hamburger eating people on the other side of the pond together with the rice eaters in that sun-rising country have been personalizing cars for years and even though the majority looks like they've been molested by an alien they do come out with more sensible designs too. Secondly, now when Jaaag has a new owner why don't they resurrect the special models, I can think of an XKR "Silverstone" or maybe "Donington" and why not "TOP GEAR" special editions..? We are all aware of the racing heritage of Jaaag but unless you're 49 and three quarters I dare you too remember. Maybe the Jaag could be material for another racing stint, it would undeniably look fantastic as a racing car. Followed by a lightened, more serious production car.. I'm dreaming now aren't I?..
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Jeremy I'd buy 1 of yours... thats not saying i dont like the current Xk..i'd just buy yours.
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ggggggggggg
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ggggggggggg
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So... The car is supposed to look and sound more sporty, but won't be? That's what my neighbour does to his Fiesta. Rollcage, racing seats, alloys and a fartcan exhaust. And what a poser-vehicle it is.
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yes thats correct. cars need to be tailor designed. i have long felt vauxhall did not design their cars with the knoledge that they were actually design them for a human being. and the vw golf mark 4 was a terribly dull car i just had to say it, who buys them i dont know especially over a focus.
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It's spelt Loyd not Lloyd, you climate-change-denying clown
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Jeremy the new XJ is catastrophically ugly! It does look very modern and high tec and has become less traditional but you have to admit the old one looks a lot better. Especially the diesel one you drove to Blackpool. I have seen the XJ in the metal and although it is slightly better it is still looks like it has been half melted and then propped up.
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"Vandalism? Yes, but not when I come to power, because anyone who messes with another man's wheels will be set on fire. In front of their families." No, it wouldn't be right. Someone who just screws with another mans car deserves a punishment much harsher.
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Wow, You Brits are patriotic! Among those cars the Jag gets picked? I wouldn't look at one ever.
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...nor would I pick an Aston. Give me a Porsche anytime. No, I'm not even German.
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Cant w8 for his New DVD
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Is Jeremy really the stupidest name in the world !? or would you rather be called Richard or James ? I think Jeremy is a great name as long as people spell it right ! Not Jermey or Germy etc...Oh and about the cars...well, I will grab the keys of the Aston Martin V12.
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i know the article is about the "jag" but... i just can't get pass that 1st paragraph. OMG what a lineup of cars, a track just for you... I am sooooooooo jelous. JC I'm ur biggest fan, but I hate u right now! can't wait for the annual DVD :)
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You like "two" things with the Jag, and thereby You think it's made for me(us). I'm sorry, if it doesn't fit You, as a gearhead, how should it fit me, as I'm a gearhead as well. Wouldn't be reading Your words otherwise. You guys make some incredible programs, for gearheads. My wife see it for the humor, not the cars. I see it because I wonder how You try to put the (once) British cars up on Your ratings. There is not a amature fisher that have better stoies then You!! Love You guys. And the Jag? Called "Gearhead Edition" of course.
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@TheEngen Well put there! I've struggled with that for a long time. I love Top Gear and thoroughly enjoy it but when there is a British, oops, ex-British car I immediately know that 8 out of 10 times it will be revered. Now, I'm not saying that some of those cars aren't superb but the bias rears its ugly (patriotic) head. Pity really cause it detracts from the point of objectivity when reviewing car in general
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And why not? Balboni was allowed (enticed even) to make a two wheel drive, tighter & lighter, ltd. ed. Gallardo... Lots of people agree with JC on how cars should be. So he should get the chance to make it real at least once. Just call it the Jezza edition or something.
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Couldn't agree more, I love the new Jag's but I wish they had the waftability of the old ones for most of the time when it's too crowded to have fun.
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i agree with exaust sound issues but even to your modifications, i would not be satisfied, because even Lambo, is not a very good sounding car, it sounds like my lawnmower which sounds like a homosexual trying to fart after sex, the O2 sensors should be changed so that it sounds evil... like an american muscle car with straight exaust... that would be a good sounding car
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take one of the prettiest cars created on this side of the millenium and "improve" on it by.. ripping out the pretty seats and replace them with plexi buckets, throw away the handsome steering and insert a momo 3 spoke and turn its howl into a growl.. a tad chav.. just a tad :D
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Jalopnik is sending a Jag XFR against Bob Lutz at the cts-v challenge ( www.ctsvchallenge.com )
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Jag's are for old men with Alhzeimers! Ha....ha....just kidding JC!
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Jezza, your version sounds pretty cool, but I don't really know what I'm talking about considering I'm 14. What the hell, I might think about buying 1 when I'm older....?
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First of all i would have chosen the the Aston Martin but then again i dont have the complete understanding of all cars like you do mr. Clarkson. But even if jag let you make a new car for them i dont think you should since the only top gear Challenge you have won in what? Three years? Was with a brown Volvo, even though i must say i support the bigger is better way of thinking you have ón top gear but if they made your car they would only ever sell two, one for you and one for... Well you would probably buy them both just to be able to say that they sold more than one butnow dont get mé wrong you are indeed a great mind in the world of cars and journalism but i dont think the rest of the World would understand your genious Way of thinking
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common man its a JAG
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Dad owned a 1964 E-type coupe - I still remember the lovely burble of the motor, and the smell of leather. Uncle John owned an XK 120 - beautiful, amazing motorcar. Now, if only the NEW Jags could capture those same sounds, smells and emotions!
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I am a big fan of you and richard hammond and i watch top gear everytime its on . The jag is cool when im older i would like a bugatti veyron and i dont know how much they are i watched you and Richard Hammmond driven it but how come James May hasnt driven it will he drive it or not
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Maserati GranTurismo S over the Jag any day...
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Open Car Bar
dougbradley commented on this article
05 October 2009
"Vandalism? Yes, but not when I come to power, because anyone who messes with another man's wheels will be set on fire. In front of their families." Couldn't agree more JC. Had my tyres screwed/nailed 4 times in 4 months, and it's been keyed and had a cone thrown at it. And friends have had theirs done twice each this summer. It just seems that if you take pride in your car, that some stinking wee drunken git will just come along and decide that they can do whatever they fancy..............no doubt the booze is paid for by the rest of us taxpayers!!!
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