Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz? No? OK, well in that case find some money and buy one yourself. Despite a (dare we say) typically German tendency towards dreadful bad taste, the line-up here features some of the most impressive cars on this or several other planets. Plus Stonehenge residuals. You can't really lose.
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A-Class
£13,110 - £22,345
A hatch doing a passable impression of a small MPV, partly thanks to ‘sandwich flooring’ which makes for brilliant packaging. Old stability issues now sorted.
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B-Class
£16,660 - £23,955
Merc has spotted a gap in the market so narrow you'd struggle to get a fag paper through it. A slightly bigger hatch-cum-MPV that's a bit sporty? Making any sense?
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C63 AMG
Rocket-propelled M3-seeking missile packing more junk than an aircraft carrier but without the stealth. A nut you say? Right, pass me that sledgehammer.
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C-Class
£18,850 - £51,650
While this is around, the 3-Series can't have things its own way. And this is the best C-Class yet - loves the road like Jordan loves Peter (but doesn't make you feel sick).
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CL-Class
£78,735 - £148,648
Probably the only thing that could look more over-the-top than the S-class - a coupe version of the same. Just the two doors, but folk this gauche don't have many friends
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CLS-Class
£42,375 - £74,025
Continuing the random use of the letter C for cars based on Cs, Es and Ss, here’s a swoopy four-door E-class coupe. Park it over there with the other new niches.
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E63 AMG
What happens when Merc pinches the M5 bottle and then exceeds the stated dose.Viciously quick V8-fed torque show.A very big bushel hiding a really dazzly light.
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E-Class
£26,980 - £68,180
Anyone who's been surfing for a brilliant big estate is probably sick of every link dumping them back here. There's a good reason, though. Saloon's pretty good, too.
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GL-Class
£52,060 - £66,080
At least bolted together properly these days, but still a too-butch-by-half attempt to take the pointy star into a field. Footy wives - and daft snobs generally - like them.
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M-Class
£34,550 - £76,430
At least bolted together properly these days, but still a too-butch-by-half attempt to take the pointy star into a field. Footy wives - and daft snobs generally - like them
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R-Class
£35,503 - £73,300
Another letter, another niche that doesn't exist. What have we got here - a luxo-six-seater 4x4 MPV thing that looks like it's been crushed by a truck? Sadly, it hasn't.
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S-Class
£54,200 - £147,048
It's a true world domination machine. Dr Evil uses one when being driven between underground lairs. He thinks a Maybach is too silly to be believed. And he's right.
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SL-Class
£62,115 - £153,350
Imperious German in removable tin hat. Effortless but a bit new money. ‘S'cuse me squire but I couldn't help noticing that I am considerably richer than you.' Etc.
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SLK
£27,730 - £50,950
Less cringeworthy than the bigger SL. Rear-drive fun and a brilliant folding tin top, plus a kind of hairdryer arrangement to keep you warm when topless. As it were.


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