Richard Hammond
Richard gets tooled up
Moaning about commonplace events and facts is something generally best left to my two esteemed Top Gear colleagues. They're possibly the world's best - and I really do mean that - at picking on something that the rest of us cope with quite easily, and ranting on about it for hours, and getting all red-faced and indignant.
On this occasion though, I shall add my own voice to their big, baritone barrage, and pipe up to the effect that I too have found something ordinary and seemingly innocent that stirs my bile.
The cause of my raised blood pressure and unsightly facial blotching is something that I'm pretty sure has more sinister undertones - and that might just herald a deadly blow for a whole tranche of motoring fanatics.
I was mooching about the Top Gear office - trying to keep out of the way whilst Jeremy quizzed the researchers on whether the 49th parallel delineated the border between North and South Korea and James looked on the computer for an old motorcycle to add to his collection - when I found some tools. These called to me like a siren sings to a sailor from a spume-streaked rock on a dark night. Like a lot of blokes - and women, I should add, because my wife shares this particular dark obsession of mine - I am a massive enthusiast of tools in general.
This could be something that has its roots in my childhood when, for the want of a single tyre lever, my bicycle might be off the road for weeks, stranding me far from the sweetie shop and within dangerous range of the big kid over the road with the catapult and the military obsession. What I dreamt of then was being tooled up properly. And I do mean tooled up in the sense of being in possession of the correct tools for repairing my bicycle, not returning fire on the big kid. My current obsession with tools though goes far beyond simple hand tools for repairing a bicycle. I can recall my first socket set with wondrous accuracy and could, if pressed, remember the size of every socket, extension lever, ratchet and break bar contained within its plastic case.
"I can recall my first socket set with wondrous accuracy and could, if pressed, remember the size of every socket, extension lever, ratchet and break bar"
It made a huge impression on me. I still have it, in fact, though it has since been joined by a more comprehensive set of far, far higher quality. My current armoury encompasses angle grinder, welder, trolley jack, axle stands, engine hoist, torque wrenches and a welding mask that automatically darkens when you hit the gas. And hardly any of it gets used.
No, I'll 'fess up more - none of it ever gets used. I will occasionally wander out to the garage and mope about the place, dreaming of the days when I might have time to wield any of the tools on a car, but the fact is hardly any of them have seen any real action.
But so what? Some people choose to collect porcelain miniatures depicting old country cottages; others will happily leaf through an album full of stamps, for crying out loud. If there's one thing you're definitely never going to use, it's a secondhand stamp. At least there's a chance that one day I might just pick up my welder/socket set/grease gun or clutch puller and use it for real. And in the meantime, they sit there in their respective cases, causing no harm and giving me a most pleasurable trouser tingle whenever I walk past them.
Anyway, back to the terrifying discovery I made at the back of the Top Gear office. Amongst the pile of tools I found was a set of four adjustable wrenches. What in the name of God can be the point of a set of adjustable spanners? I tried to fathom what it was that any of the smaller three could do that the larger one couldn't. And I came up with nothing. The largest will adjust down to a gap of nothing, just as the smaller ones will, and it is then adjustable up to the maximum span of its jaws, thus rendering the smaller ones entirely pointless.
This, then, is clearly a cynical marketing ploy aimed with terrifying accuracy at the hapless tool addict like me. They're onto us. It took time, but the marketing executives have rumbled us and now we are going to be harried by them until we are spent. Within weeks, my garage will be so full of sets of adjustable wrenches, boxes of chocolate blowtorches, crates of wooden welders and racks of lightweight hammers that I won't even be able to fit in there myself in order to dream about finding the time to actually use any of them.
I said my wife was a tool enthusiast. Turns out she is... she married one.
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I am a self confessed toolhead myself. I've recently gone pneumathic - I've got almost every tools there is that can be run by a pressurized air hose, including a very shiny sand blaster and a Tectyl spray gun. Both my cars are galvanized from birth and has no need for Tectyl, and my motorbike certainly doesn't either, but still, they're very pretty. I roam around tool shops like women do on frock sales. And I can totally agree with you that the Industry are on to us. I see an increasing amount of tools designed to do jobs you can easily do with another tool you already have, or with your bare hands as you've always done. Luckily us Tool Men are smarter than that. I won't be buying the new Motorbike Clutch Wire Lubricating Tool from Biltema any time soon. Although it is very pretty in all its eloxated aluminium glory.....
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Just thought i'd mention that i'm a lighting/sound technician and those small adjustable spanners are great when ur trying to tighten the bolts on flown equipment.... the big ones are a bit unwieldy when ur hangin off the top of a particularly tall ladder...
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Same for me and musical instruments. Piano, synth, 3 keyboards, 4 guitars, two bass guitars, 2 amps, fx, mics, 2 PA's... But slightly different: I can't let go of stuff that's broken, either for sentimental reasons or for some spark of hope that I'll get them going once more.
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I love tools - metal tools, power tools, even garden tools. I think its just as much a thing about collecting. Perhaps slightly similar to women liking shoes, my wife for instance has more boots and shoes than she could ever possibly wear even if there were five times the amount of seasons in a year
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I read this before in the TG magazine - the last sentence is sooo sweeet!
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Unlike James, You don't sit there naming your spanners.
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i am also a real big tool fan. i originally had a few in an old burnt out van but then got a garden shed destined for the dump, i spent hours fixing it up like new and its amazing the amount of tools i have in it especially old ones i buy cheap from car boot sales then the best fun is finding a place to keep the stuff. but i have noticed one thing is that old tools made by the likes of the traditional brands are really great quality but these cheap new tools made by terrible brands dont last. i bought a £2 socket set and every socket snapped. about the adjustable wrench i bought the solution last year in b&q its called the 'black and decker auto wrench' and its fantastic its an adjustable wrench but an electronic adjustment moves it in and out and locks it into place great for taking off radiators. my advice is try car boot sales there will always be some person who has a whole load of old tools that look old but are really good quality.
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Richard, you like old cars, get yourself one thats knackered and fix it up! Make it a VW to anger the co presenters.
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my name is tom, i am 12 years old and have my own tool set, 12 volt drill, huge halfords socket set, digital calpers and much more!! i have taken a friends bike appart..and put it back together! i also have my own engine, my dad has heped me to take it apart, now everyday, i try to put the sump gasket on, or try to work out how the carbretta fits on! i to one day dream of haveing my own shed full of tools and old cars!! i take after my dad! he was exactly like me, i also have an obsession with going really fast!! there is a really good road in pirbright, has a few good bends and sraights! everythime we go down there i alwys say to my dad "catch that caterham up,!!" or something like that, my dad has a boring car at the moment! although he used to have a 3.0 v6 ford mondeo st220 estate, that is 1 of my favorite cars!!
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When I was younger, I used to spend at least an hour watching my dad do the oil change on the car...check it over...top up the screenwash, etc...and I'm a girl! I used to even help him wash the car (dedication or what? Probably why I'm such a petrolhead now!haha!) My dad owns a wide range of tools, (and is regularly in the shed on a sunday afternoon) but it gets me thinking...have you ever seen home improvement? I think you remind me somewhat of tim allen...without the grunting...or the accidents. sort of. hee hee xx
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hi,I am a girl, 15 years old and I really love cars! I always wash the cars of my dad. my dream is to have a job like hammond. I want to test cars and all the other things... But they say it's not a job for a girl.now, I want a vespa but everybody say it's to dangerous.But when I am 17, they give me a car!!
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as a teen i spent a fortune with the collect your cash weekly at work snap on guys! i never used half the stuff just brought it for the sake of "just in case" but spent all my wages paying it back im 29 now but its paid me off still use them today.
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My dad has lots of tools he hardly uses someoof them but he wont get rid because he thn thinks he wll wanrt them wots wrong with loving tools.I don't see anything wrong
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Ahh, but there is a use for small shifting spanners.. tight areas. Like.. the engine bay of a mini.
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I have three tool kits but actually use them all freequently, although i will admitt that i did buy a ONE POUND bow of screwdrivers which have just sat gathering dust. But ONE POUND you would buy it wouldent you.
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You needed a tyre lever for a BICYCLE tyre? What sort of limpos are you poms? (All comments about cricket will be ignored.) Don't you have butter knives?
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as a plumber i can say that the smaller adjustables are usefull for undoing DOCs because a bigger one gets stuck on the wall when you turn them
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hey there richard, i was just wondering how come you have never had the american super car, the saleen S7 twin turbo on tob gear? it is said to touch speeds of upto 250 mph , now thats veyron territory. please reply to liamhouson@hotmail.co.uk, thanks mate.
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ha i beat u richard i have a pink set of tools :P lol, na i dont even use em my dad brought them for me and sed to take the hint, still dont get what the hell he meant, although i do like fixing cars been doin it scince i was 12 so im gettin pretty good, hey who says a girl cant fix a car we dont need u men in tin foil on the side of a motorway in the pooring rain !! :D x
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ha i beat u richard i have a pink set of tools :P lol, na i dont even use em my dad brought them for me and sed to take the hint, still dont get what the hell he meant, although i do like fixing cars been doin it scince i was 12 so im gettin pretty good, hey who says a girl cant fix a car we dont need u men in tin foil on the side of a motorway in the pooring rain !! :D x
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majorTGfan commented on this article
11 August 2009
I know many tool enthusiasts and they don't use half their tools. They just talk about them! :) Welcome to the club Hammond! Still I'm sure you or the producers might be able to come up with a Top Gear Challenge or two where you can use your welder/socket set/grease gun or clutch puller! And i'm sure theres many uses for those spanners!
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