Seat Ibiza

With summer here the 'Great Right Forearm Tan Competition' is under way and I, for one, am feeling confident. The rules are these: at the first sign of sun, wind the driver's window right down and let your forearm hang nonchalantly on the sill. Come Autumn, the winner is the person with the deepest, most evenly spread right forearm tan. I ought to mention that extra points are awarded for the hairiness of the arm and the volume of the stereo once the window is down. The Ibiza offers several advantages for me. To begin with, adjusting the temperature is a bit tricky. Turn it under 18 degrees and it applies an ambiguously-titled 'Lo' temperature, which tends to be too 'lo' for me. Window down, then, for a balmy breeze. Then there's the great stereo, with a booming bottom-heavy pitch. As for the forearm, I'm going to cheat and use a wig. And my nemesis? That'll be Barry Stag, an independent plumber from Dagenham, whose well-matted mahogany finish and 200-watt speaker system earned him the grand prize last year.

Robert Bright