Volkswagen

Beetle

£10,892 - £15,664

Cutesy sentimentalism only goes so far, and even die-hard Herbie fans must be beginning to tire of poor packaging, odd ride and limp handling. Time to move on.

Beetle Cabriolet

£13,726 - £19,510

The sort of car that's all about making some sort of indiscernible statement that only professes a broad disregard for the basic requirements of motoring in favour of looking like whatever you think you look like in the campest car on the market.

Eos

£18,336 - £29,288

An odd leap onto the tin-top cabrio bandwagon, hamstrung by an extended Golf chassis and a boot so small you can take sandwiches to the picnic, but not crisps.

Fox

£6,071 - £7,521

Brazilian built city-car unworthy of VW’s rock-solid quality reputation. Even if you fervently believe Basil Brush is real, this is one fox you simply won’t find credible.

Golf 5

£11,457 - £25,845

Benchmark is an over-used word, but you simply can’t consider buying a hatchback without comparing it with the original. Still superb, but now being run mighty close.

Golf 6

The new Golf is quieter, better built and simply nicer to drive than before. You'll fit the whole family in here and the whole deal is as classless as it comes. Boringly good.

Golf Estate

£14,410 - £21,906

 The Golf is one of the most, er, innocuous cars around, and the estate is the ultimate derivative.

Golf GTI

£19,912 - £23,581

If the Astra VXR is a hooligan, then the Golf GTI is a jewel thief played by Cary Grant – sublime, effortless, powerful. You’d like not to be seduced, but dammit he’s good.

Golf Plus

£12,528 - £20,516

 It's a Volkswagen Golf. But a bit bigger. Yes, it's slightly taller VW Golf that slips into a niche that no one thought of, and we're not sure anyone wants

Jetta

£14,285 - £20,416

Look, sorry about this but they’ve asked me to design a booted version of the Golf. Yeah, I know it’s half five – you start the car, it should only take a couple of secs. 

Passat

£15,058 - £32,040

The US Air Force has ordered Passats for stealth duties – they’re so uninteresting the enemy will never notice them, yet they’re made of granite and never go wrong.

Phaeton

£42,354 - £74,435

If your chauffeur comes back with one of these, cuff him about the head, slightly dislodging his peaked cap, and tell him to go away and find you a proper limo.

Polo

£7,426 - £14,930

Never VW’s finest hour, and feeling increasingly off the pace in today’s hotbed superminimart. Consider only if you’re too lazy to do any proper research.

Scirocco

£17,700 - £22,385

Ignore anyone who tells you the Scirocco is just a Golf for people with very short friends. It’s far, far better than that. It’s for people with very short friends who want a fine hot hatch and a mild dose of cashing-in-on-brand-nostalgia.

Tiguan

£17,494 - £22,976

Unremarkable latecomer to the SUV party, relying on chunky looks to lure you into thinking it can rough it. It can’t, but it doesn’t matter. And the ride is class-leading.

Touareg

£29,370 - £60,172

Huge, plutocratic Land Cruiser wannabe, but with a proper interior. Will offend less people than the similar Porsche Cayenne, so will offend very nearly everyone. 

Touran

£14,066 - £22,845

Not made of cardboard, but a characterless box in every other sense. Don’t park it under Waterloo Bridge – somebody’s bound to set up home in it.