This has gone on long enough. Someone must say it, so I shall: DEATH TO THE ROBOTISED MANUAL GEARBOX!
We gave you many chances. The Smart ForTwo, the Honda Jazz iShift, you were appalling in both. You pleaded mitigation, pointed out you were smaller, lighter and cheaper than proper DSGs. And you're back, ruining the Up.
You make us sick with your great pauses and jerky changes. We tried to help you, backing off the throttle, even depressing a fictional clutch pedal to ease the gearchanges along. Depressing a fictional clutch pedal makes you go a bit strange, Robotised Manual.
You're not just nausea-inducing, you're borderline dangerous. Remember when we pulled out to overtake that stopped bus, foot to the floor? What did you do then? You left us stranded as you rummaged for a gear. We don't want to die, Robotised Manual!
And breathe. A little city car - especially one as proficient as the Up - with an auto 'box should make sense, but this one doesn't. Even if you have an auto-only licence, hate cars and enjoy feeling sick, we can't recommend the Up ASG. Buy a manual, and spend £595 on some driving lessons.
999cc, 3cyl, FWD, 59bhp, 70lb ft, 64.2mpg, 103g/km CO2, 0-62mph in 15.3secs, 99mph, 932kg
It's the only two-pedal Up, and it must be avoided. Learn to drive stick