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Self-driving van using lidar to tailgate with precision

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Self-driving van using lidar to tailgate with precision | Top Gear

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‘White van man’ hails arrival of game-changing technology

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Self-driving van using lidar to tailgate with precision

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‘White van man’ hails arrival of game-changing technology

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‘White van man’ hails arrival of game-changing technology

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Self-driving van using lidar to tailgate with precision

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Self-driving van using lidar to tailgate with precision

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Self-driving van using lidar to tailgate with precision

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‘White van man’ hails arrival of game-changing technology

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Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

A van driver has hailed the introduction of fully autonomous tech that’s set to revolutionise the art of aggressively tailgating other drivers for no good reason.

Using a combination of cameras, lidar, radar and cutting-edge processors, it’s hoped the groundbreaking new system will make terrifying learners and old people alike safer than ever before.

For decades ‘white van men’ across the country have relied on their criminally untapped potential as unheralded Formula 1 champions to run bumper to bumper with slower, speed limit-obeying cars.

But the new technology can reduce a van’s following distance even further to only a handful of nanometers accurately and consistently, freeing up white van men to perform other tasks while safe in the knowledge they’ll arrive at their next job as rapidly as a 2.2-litre diesel engine and the laws of physics will allow.

“I’m stoked, this new self-driving tech will completely transform my working life,” said a stereotypical white van man. “Now I’ll be able to doomscroll to my heart’s content, ignore those voicemails about them quotes I promised weeks ago, and properly get into that persistent groinal itch of mine.

“Having said that, I’m a little sad that future generations won’t learn to tailgate like a boss. It’ll be a lost craft, like making a fire without matches and indicating.

“I’ll keep the spirit of tradition alive by insisting on a tea break every 17 minutes and clocking off at 3.49pm without fail. You’ve gotta protect culture, you know?”

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Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

A van driver has hailed the introduction of fully autonomous tech that’s set to revolutionise the art of aggressively tailgating other drivers for no good reason.

Using a combination of cameras, lidar, radar and cutting-edge processors, it’s hoped the groundbreaking new system will make terrifying learners and old people alike safer than ever before.

For decades ‘white van men’ across the country have relied on their criminally untapped potential as unheralded Formula 1 champions to run bumper to bumper with slower, speed limit-obeying cars.

But the new technology can reduce a van’s following distance even further to only a handful of nanometers accurately and consistently, freeing up white van men to perform other tasks while safe in the knowledge they’ll arrive at their next job as rapidly as a 2.2-litre diesel engine and the laws of physics will allow.

“I’m stoked, this new self-driving tech will completely transform my working life,” said a stereotypical white van man. “Now I’ll be able to doomscroll to my heart’s content, ignore those voicemails about them quotes I promised weeks ago, and properly get into that persistent groinal itch of mine.

“Having said that, I’m a little sad that future generations won’t learn to tailgate like a boss. It’ll be a lost craft, like making a fire without matches and indicating.

“I’ll keep the spirit of tradition alive by insisting on a tea break every 17 minutes and clocking off at 3.49pm without fail. You’ve gotta protect culture, you know?”

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‘White van man’ hails arrival of game-changing technology