Good morning, worshippers. The sermon for today is read by the Reverend Gregorious Saltmarsh.

"You know, the question I'm most often asked is 'can God be found in modern-day society?' My reply is usually this: consider the new BMW 316i SE. "Its comfortable ride provides succour in times of stress. Lo, there is air-conditioning to shelter its occupants from the hellish heat of a hot summer's day. And airbags are not found to be wanting within its cabin walls.

"Yea, the engine is the same 1.9-litre powerplant as that in the 318, with balancer shafts to soothe the furrowed brow. It may not sound as glorious as Gabriel's trumpet on Judgement Day, but, verily, the exhaust note rewards a diligent right foot. It is not swift, as it is detuned to provide 105bhp from the 318's 118; but with such losses there are gains, for the 316 returns a saintly 36.2mpg. So, it may be meek, but at least it leaves an Earth for future generations to inherit. And in non-SE form, this is the cheapest new 3-Series saloon you can buy.

"At lowly speeds, the gearchange can be notchy, but when the revs are in the higher plane, the way is smoothed wondrously, and the four disc brakes may just prevent an apocalyptic event, such is their efficacy and feel.

"The 316 keeps its driver on the straight and narrow in manifold ways: unburdened by the need to apply power, the front wheels impart a crispness to the steering, which still feels a touch artificial. And the ASC traction control tends to err on the side of caution but at least thou shalt not stray from the path. Be under no illusion, brethren, for we all need divine guidance at times, and satellite navigation is a £1,650 option. So, blessed are the rich, indeed.

"With such a handsome car, almost like a 5-Series writ small, it might appear to the outside world that its driver has not a care in the world. But appearances can deceive. For a person may desire a heavenly chariot but have a few too many points on their licence. They must not incur the wrath of those that sit in judgement but this righteous BMW shall lead them not into temptation.

"We all need a higher power on our side, even if it's not horse power. And, we all wonder if God is in evidence in modern life. You know, in a funny way, He is."

Colin Ryan

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