Report: 98 per cent of Britain’s road melted

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The vast majority of Britain’s roads have melted following two successive heatwaves, according to experts.

Britain’s penchant for endless rain, perpetual grey skies and general year-round weather misery meant a few days of uninterrupted sunshine had obliterated 98 per cent of its uniquely ruinous road network.

Now experts are calling for a government task force to create a nationwide fleet of floating tanks able to navigate miles of liquefied tarmac.

“Nobody saw this coming,” a weather expert told TopGear.com. “More than two consecutive days of sunshine was a story we told our children at bedtimes. Or went abroad to discover and then complain about.

“But back-to-back days of 30-degree heat is categorically not something Britain is accustomed to, and something this country’s road network and infrastructure is wholly unprepared for.

“It’s all gone. Melted. Every road dissolved beyond recognition and seeping its way back into the Earth’s core. Right now, all our cars are basically Arnie in Terminator 2 sinking into the hot lava at the end.

“Only our cars aren’t heroically putting their thumbs up,” the expert added.

Meteorologists are predicting cooler temperatures into the next week, with some light and entirely predictable rain showers.

“Light rain? There goes the country’s rail services. Bus replacement for you, friends,” a train operator noted.