Is this the most fun you can have with 8bhp?

He is also an arse. Because while I came here today for a spot of cultured motoring in a couple of classics, he has found a slippery corner on which to perform lavish skids. Clearly, a chap should not indulge in such disgraceful behaviour at the wheel of a pensionable Jaguar. The XK120 was, after all, the fastest road car of its day and should be treated with the dignity its years deserve. It should not, under any circumstances, be handled so roughly. I hope his flat cap slips off his low-friction head.

If you’re blessed with the gift of perspective, you’ll have noticed it’s also a touch on the small side, as is my AC Cobra with white stripes. And that’s because both are miniature versions of their big brothers - cute little pygmy cars with shrunken bodywork and snug cabins with just enough room for an adult human. And, instead of their traditional chunky engines, they make do with 110cc, single-cylinder petrol engines usually found in a Honda Cub. Both have about 8bhp. Steady on.

Unfortunately, neither is road-legal, so here we are on the Top Gear track, where terrible wind can play havoc with one’s cravat. I know this, because mine has escaped from my collar and is flapping in my face. The solution is to hunch over and rest the brim of my hat on the top of the windscreen, which might look silly, but it’s the first time in history a flat cap has been used as active aero, very much like the drag reduction system in an F1 car. Not so stupid now, eh?

I’m in the XK now, which makes a surprising racket when you turn the key and fire up the engine - something between a large lawnmower and a small propeller-driven plane. First gear engages with a clunk, and we’re underway. It takes a while to get up a head of steam, but on the limiter, in third, it’s an absolute weapon. Honestly. You can reach out and touch the tarmac, like skimming the water over the side of a boat, although I don’t recommend this because, at the 40mph top whack, it’s like putting your fingertips on a belt sander.

While we’re giving them a rather ungentlemanly seeing to, it seems only right to see how fast they go around our track. You might think they’d be the slowest vehicles ever to attempt such a thing, but remember, Hammond once went around in a pedal-powered Porsche in 18 minutes, 37 seconds. So, unless they run out of fuel (with 1.5-litre tanks, it’s not entirely out of the question), they should be safe. Over to Ollie and the Cobra, which for some reason feels more sprightly than the XK. After the customary three/two/one/go, he adopts his go-faster hunch and toddles off at some speed.

Besides, we’re getting carried away. We came here for a gentle drive in the English countryside, not for squealing tyres and lashings of smoke. As a wiser man than me once said, “A gentleman would be ashamed should his deeds not match his words.” (Confucius, Top Gear’s preferred Chinese philosopher, is criminally under-quoted in car magazines. Not any more.) And you must admit, the man had a point. So, Mr Marriage, please do behave yourself and stop those silly skids. We’ve a reputation to uphold.

Now where’s my hat?