Ranking Baldur’s Gate 3’s classes by what car they’d drive
Larian’s new RPG uses classic D&D rules to tell a new tale, so TG does the same
Baldur’s Gate 3 has arrived, and already looks set to cement itself as one of 2023’s very best games, marrying classic Dungeons & Dragons rules with a shiny new game engine and a vast new quest that gives you incredible agency. Kill your party, romance them up, complete quests or sabotage them for your co-op mates. Up to you.
Which is all very well and good, except that in order to embark on said epic quest you first need to roll a character and pick from one of 12 classes. And in a massive and uncharacteristic oversight, developer Larian has omitted any information regarding which real-world, modern day car those classes would drive. So here, we fixed that. You’re welcome.Advertisement - Page continues below
Monk: KTM X-Bow
What the game says: “Channel your cosmic enlightenment by deftly dodging and efficiently disassembling your foes through stunning strikes and a whirlwind of martial art attacks.”
How they play: Very simple. The monk barrels into combat as though they’ve been dry-scooping pre-workout in the gym car park all morning and then found someone already in the squat rack. No weapons, no armour, just a flurry of flying fists, a prodigious dexterity stat and, inexplicably, high wisdom.
What they’d drive: A KTM X-Bow. Windscreens? Political correctness gone mad mate. The Monk would gladly go without a seatbelt too if the fun sponges running the track day would get off their case.
Barbarian: Ford Mustang Mach 1
What the game says: “The strong embrace the wild that hides inside - keen instincts, primal physicality, and most of all, an unbridled, unquenchable rage.”
How they play: Barbarians have a lot of strength, and a lot of health. They get hit by things, shrug off the damage, and then hit them back extremely hard, even more vigorously if they’re angry, which of course they always are. Like northerners on a January pub crawl, they’re so hard they go completely without armour.
What they’d drive: The brutish Ford Mustang Mach 1. They set the 5.0-litre V8 engine idling for about 15 minutes every Sunday morning to goad the neighbours into a fight, but nobody ever confronts them. Never knowingly leaves the cup holder without a can of Monster in it.Advertisement - Page continues below
Fighter: Audi RS6
What the game says: “Fighters have mastered the art of combat, wielding weapons with unmatched skill and wearing armour like a second skin.”
How they play: The biggest difference between Fighters and Barbarians is that a fighter has at least a semblance of self-awareness while they’re leathering a Kobold. That increased forethought allows them to actually wear armour into battle, too. Will never be as hench as the Barb, but they’re fine with that. Honestly.
What they’d drive: An Audi RS6. The twin-turbo V8 makes the fighter feel better about their disparity on the swol scale with Barbarians, while the spacious boot provides the ideal place to stow an excessive amount of sports equipment, which they bring to every Airbnb getaway but never touch. It’s got all the muscle, but it’s matched by the brains of Audi’s tech features. The Fighter likes that duality a lot.
Wizard: Alpine A110R
What the game says: “Wizards master the arcane by specialising in individual schools of magic, combining ancient spells with modern research.”
How they play: The apex scholar of the fantasy world, Wizards wield a book of powerful spells which they’ve mastered using their high intellect stat. They also bloody love academia, and have eight different schools of magic to choose from when they pick a sub-class. Disciplined, well-read, but not much use in a direct fight since they can’t wear armour.
What they’d drive: An Alpine A110R. While the Wizard craves power, a Porsche would be far too obvious for someone who’s spent this much time reading spec sheets and making price-performance spreadsheets. No, they need a car that says ‘Intellect: 20’ so that they don’t have to. Although they still will.
Druid: Jaguar I-Pace
What the game says: “Druids channel the elemental forces of nature and share a deep kinship with animals. Mastery of Wild Shape allows them to transform into beasts from all over the Realms.”
How they play: It’s quite the party trick the Druid has. At will, they can take the form of a wild animal and enter battle in a state of untamed, relinquished control. It doesn’t get much more in touch with nature than that.
What they’d drive: Obviously a Jaguar I-Pace. An environmentally friendly big cat, and spacious enough to support their party with lifts to the farmers’ market every weekend. The Cleric does lose control a bit when they get properly connected with nature and take it off-road though, and when they return to their sensible human form it’s anyone’s guess how much range is left.
Rogue: Ford Focus ST
What the game says: “With stealth, skill and uncanny reflexes, a rogue's versatility lets them get the upper hand in almost any situation.”
How they play: Rogues do their damage by catching their enemies unaware, sneaking about and then launching a very literal dagger in their back. They’ll also pick the odd pocket for good measure, and their high dexterity stat makes them very tricky to land a blow on. Quite irritating people, really.
What they’d drive: A 2021 Ford Focus ST, which they smoke C-Class owners off the line at every available set of traffic lights. They don’t currently have any points on their licence, despite consistently driving like a hyperactive circus performer.Advertisement - Page continues below
Paladin: Tesla Model 3
What the game says: “Fuelled by the Oaths you swore to uphold justice and righteousness, you are a beacon of hope in dark times.”
How they play: Basically a Fighter with a higher purpose, having sworn an oath which they fight to preserve. Paladins enjoy smacking people in the head with heavy fantasy weaponry as much as anyone, but they’re doing it for a cause. And that makes them… not better than you, just - no, actually it does make them better than you.
What they’d drive: A Tesla Model 3, which they made a solemn pre-order vow to in 2016. They’re extremely aware of what their interior looks like after only a year, thanks, but they pledged their allegiance long ago and they absolutely will not be backing down from their electric crusade now.
Sorcerer: VW Golf eTSI
What the game says: “Sorcerers are natural spellcasters, drawing on inherent magic from a gift or bloodline.”
How they play: Unlike Wizards, who have to learn their spells from books like boffins, Sorcerers possess a natural aptitude towards spellcasting. The A student who never has to try, basically. They’re versatile too, choosing one of three sub-classes at character creation stage.
What they’d drive: A VW Golf eTSI. The Sorcerer’s got absolutely nothing to prove. They’re too busy effortlessly picking crypto booms to put more thought into their chosen vehicle than the fact they could get into modding it if they wanted to (they never will though), or fit an estate’s worth of shopping in the back, as if by magic.Advertisement - Page continues below
Ranger: Dacia Duster
What the game says: “Rangers are unrivalled scouts and trackers, honing a deep connection with nature in order to hunt their favoured prey.”
How they play: Just give them a bow and arrow and watch them and their pet wolf decimate the enemy. Masters of nature. Imbued with wanderlust and attuned to spellcasting.
What they’d drive: Surprisingly, the Ranger eschews the Ford Ranger in favour of a Dacia Duster. They’ve got some heavy, punishing miles to cover so it needs a real workhorse. Besides that, pet wolves don’t travel well in pickups.
Cleric: Nissan Ariya
What the game says: “Clerics are representatives of the gods they worship, wielding potent divine magic for good or ill.”
How they play: Clerics are happy when everyone else in their party is happy. They’re primarily a support class, popping off spells to buff those around them. They’re also religious zealots, and it’s that devotion to their chosen god that powers them. Think Bible Belt Soccer Mom in a tunic.
What they’d drive: An immaculately clean Nissan Ariya. Hop in, there’s room for everyone! The Cleric’s only too happy to give you a lift. No, really, genuinely a bit too happy about it. Don’t think you’re getting out without hearing exactly how much they save on fuel every month or how they drove all the way to Exeter and back on one charge, though. They can and will deploy the child locks if their evangelism does without a polite “Crikey, really? Wow” every 20 seconds.
Warlock: Audi A1
What the game says: “Bound by a pact to an all-powerful patron, Warlocks trade their loyalty for supernatural abilities and unique magic.”
How they play: Warlocks are able to access powerful spells and high resilience because they’ve made a pact with powerful supernatural beings for those abilities. In exchange, they now do those supernatural beings’ bidding.
What they’d drive: A brand new Audi A1, on lease, which their parents pay for every month. It seemed like such a good deal at the time - the possibilities! The gravitas of those four rings - what doors might they open? But now they’re waiting outside a Slug & Lettuce at 11.30pm to pick Mum up, even though she knows that’s when the boys play Fortnite, the true cost of their pact is laid bare.
Bard: Maserati Ghibli
What the game says: “You know music is more than a fancy - it is power. Through study and adventure, you have mastered song, speech, and the magic within.”
How they play: Bards are all about charisma, using their natural talent with words and song to talk their way into or out of anything. And if things do get spicy, they can rally their mates in battle with a rousing tune.
What they’d drive: A Maserati Ghibli. 'Wow! What a stylish, unusual and luxurious car they’ve just arrived in', you think to yourself, so beguiled that you never get around to asking about the maintenance costs (crippling) or the depreciation (already worth less than a new Civic). This person’s got it all figured out, you decide, running a finger along the swooping lines of the bonnet.