Heatwave: motorist enters fourth day stuck on leather seats in air-con-less car

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

A motorist has entered a fourth day glued to the leather interior of their air-con-less car following the UK’s recent spate of hot weather.

Initially believing that taking their treasured, rusting, air-condition-less car out for a ‘nice drive’ was the best way to spend a sunny afternoon, the motorist quickly regretted it as temperatures soared and they soon began to stick to the old leather.

Fears are now rising that the motorist will rapidly become a permanent fixture to the front seat of their beloved car.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love this silly, rotting, wheezy old thing, but am now questioning every life decision that began with me browsing the classifieds for a cool old car with leather seats, and ended in this sweaty, gummed-up dystopian hellscape,” the motorist said.

“Such wanton hedonism has meant I am now irreversibly attached to a faded old interior until the sun explodes and our galaxy is consumed in a massive supernova.

“Though, that cataclysmic event will at least give me some bloody peace. I can literally feel my back slowly weaving into the cracks of the leather. And whose stupid bloody idea was it to wear white? I can’t move my knees.

“Dammit, I have hopes. Dreams. Ambitions to change the water pump and fix the head gasket once and for all.

“But I can’t physically move. Heck, I can’t physically sweat anymore. The engine temperature gauge has been stuck in the red. The fan stopped screaming a while ago, or maybe that was me screaming.

“Let my hubris act as a warning to anyone else naïvely searching for a car with leather seats that doesn't have air conditioning. That way leads to damnation.”