BMW M135 - long-term review

The M135 left me quite unexpectedly. It was planned, it’s just the admin part of my brain is about as large as a grain of rice and so I’d forgotten the exact day (and week and month) that it was going back. Therefore, I never got one final drive to remember it by. I wasn’t even home. A quick text from the logistics company, a hurried call to my wife to explain a man was coming to collect the BMW and would you take the car seat out, please? And it was gone.

The void it has left is, well, infinitesimal. Was it blue? Yes, I think it was blue. Looked pretty cool, actually. Any other lasting memories? The 2.0-litre turbocharged four delivered the goods but sounded slightly strained and very tuneless. The dual-clutch ‘box could be a bit jerky in low speed manoeuvres (especially when paired with a slightly clunky Stop/Start system) but I enjoyed its speed and sharpness. And the chassis was fantastically sure-footed but almost bereft of entertainment.

The M135 is a car of broad capabilities but barely an ounce of real, proper enthusiasm.

Perhaps I’m being harsh. But that magic ‘M’ means a lot to me and when applied to a decently compact hot hatch with 300bhp, 295lb ft and four-wheel drive it should signify something special: an aggressive, highly-charged driving experience with fluid dynamics and that trademark BMW balance. Instead, the M135 is just okay. Memorable more for the promise and the lovely, high quality interior than those moments when the road opens out and tempts you into having some fun.

The cynics will say that the badge, the straight line performance and the usability are enough. Well, maybe. Yet when priced at £54,050 as tested, my own feeling is that the M135 should be so much more. In pure excitement terms it’s miles behind the Civic Type R benchmark, yet the more ‘rounded’ approach doesn’t mean great ride quality and refinement. The M135 falls instead into a no-mans land with the compromises of hot hatch status in terms of comfort, but very little of the reward.

It is a quality item, of course. The interior feels beautifully made, the touchscreen is very slow to fire-up and connect to a phone at times but looks great and works reasonably well and the M135 never put a foot wrong. No rattles, not even a whiff of flimsiness. I guess from a pure aesthetic point of view both inside and out, the BMW is bang on the money. It’s decently practical too, and dull motorway journeys slipped quietly by without much fuss other than the slightly stiff ride and distant roar of tyre noise.

Yes, you can hear my apathy. I quite like the M135. But that’s about as far as it goes. For similar money the Civic Type R is definitely more my thing. But even the new Audi S3 - traditionally a decent but rather aloof car - seems to have realised that dynamics are a key part of making a compelling fast hatchback and has inherited the RS3’s sport differential. An Audi that handles with more grace than its BMW equivalent? For BMW fans this is almost sacrilege.

For me, it’s another sign that the M135 doesn’t go nearly far enough to earn M status.