Here’s what to buy if you live on Guam

Do you live on the island of Guam? Are you looking for a new car? If so, fear not, because Top Gear is here to help.

Yes, as part of our mission to offer the very best in car-buying advice to every possible predicament, no matter how curiously specific, we’ve cobbled together some new cars ideal for any of the 162,000 residents of the unincorporated United States territory.

If you’ve got any better ideas, feel free to chip in below. Assuming any of us have a future beyond next Friday.

Picture: TUBS

Latvians and Guamanians hold a long and treasured shared history, except for the small matter that we just made that up. 

Nevertheless, their entirely fanciful common origins mean that the Dartz Prombron is a natural fit for modern Guamanian families on the go.

With a choice of AMG V8 or V12 engines, a top speed of 155mph is entirely possible, even with eight-inch-thick, bombproof steel. This is important; otherwise, traversing the 31.7 miles from the northernmost tip of Guam to the southern shoreline could shortly become a bit of a chore.

If you need to get somewhere, regardless of any impediment, you choose the Avtoros Shaman. 

All of its four axles and eight wheels are powered for maximum traction and, with eight-wheel steering, it’s more nimble than its 6.3-metre length would suggest. Sure, it’s quite utilitarian on the inside, but it is amphibious, offering the ability to traverse a medium-sized lake.

With the unsettling knowledge that the sword of Damocles is poised to fall at any moment, it’s important to unearth and enjoy every positive experience you can muster. The Nomad offers the sort of all-terrain pace necessary to outrun fireballs, though sadly not the sort of bodywork necessarily to survive a nuclear winter.

It seems that the Lotus Elise chassis is the little engine that could. Or should that be the little body that could? Anyhow, what we mean is that the Lotus Elise is a charming little sportscar that also managed to help John Hennessey claim a speed record. And, on the other side of the coin is the Rinspeed sQuba, an all-electric amphibious convertible, which can act as a car, boat and submarine.

As much as a convertible submarine sounds like the punchline to a “You’re about as useful as a…”, the sQuba skirts around the small problem of drowning by supplying scuba-style air regulators. Perfect for camping out with the fishes until things calm down up top.

As part of our laborious Guam-based research, we came to realise that a Dartz, Avtoros, Ariel or Rinspeed might be tricky to come across at short notice on an island that sits more than 2,000 miles off the coast of mainland China.

So, how about one of the most common and indestructible vehicles on the planet? Yes, Top Gear has a long and storied history with the Hilux – our paths as intertwined as Latvians and Guamanians.

It’s perhaps the most rational choice – the world’s most-multipurpose multipurpose vehicle. Also near-certain to continue functioning after a direct strike from a Hwasong-14 missile.

Back before Peugeot made a lot of very bad cars (but after they made bicycles), they used a small chunk of their long and illustrious history to build thoroughly indestructible cars.

Now, after depreciation has bottomed out and poor maintenance has killed off all but the best examples, it’s time to get a whole lot of reliability for a very small amount of money. 

See also: the W123 and W124 series Mercedes-Benzes. Eh, who needs THAAD when you’ve got old Pugs’n’Benzes?

It’s universally acknowledged that rental cars are not only the fastest cars on Planet Earth, but also some of the toughest. Best tick that damage excess waiver, mind.