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The national media is awash with reports of a scarecrow, dressed as a policeman, with Jeremy’s face on it, that’s currently slowing down motorists near Newcastle.

The red herring, erected by a resident of pebbledashed Northumberland village West Mickley, features a low-resolution printout of JC’s face, high-visibility jacket, toy policeman’s helmet and hair dryer to look like a speed gun.

Bafflingly, it’s been a colossal success on the perilous 30mph stretch of road. Sheila Hodgkinson, whose son Christopher erected the scarecrow, told BBC Tyne and Wear that he was annoyed by speeding drivers. Neighbour Tom Hadall said: “He’s been slowing the traffic down,” adding, “He’s been doing a good job.”

As the homespun effigy is clearly proving worthwhile, we think there’s a good chance this might actually catch on. So we’ve assembled a list of questions to ask yourself if you stumble across Jeremy Clarkson in your local village slowing down traffic on the side of the road and are thinking of asking for an autograph / getting a picture / taking issue with his review of the Vauxhall Vectra in the late 90s:

Does Jeremy Clarkson have an abnormal posture?
If Jeremy Clarkson’s assuming a hunchbacked posture that suggests he’s been hastily assembled out of cardboard and old clothes, there’s a strong chance you’ve been duped by an imitation of Jeremy Clarkson assembled out of cardboard and old clothes.

Is Jeremy Clarkson’s hand a rubber glove?
If Jeremy Clarkson has an inflated rubber glove instead of an ordinary human hand it is unlikely to be Jeremy Clarkson. Jeremy Clarkson’s hands both look very much like the hands on the end of Jeremy Clarkson’s arms.

Is Jeremy Clarkson holding a hair drier?

If Jeremy Clarkson is holding a hair drier, you’ve more than likely been fooled by a realistic scarecrow like the one erected in pebbledashed Northumberland village, West Mickley.

Is Jeremy Clarkson wearing a pair of keenly priced quarter brogues?

Jeremy Clarkson’s more of a loafer man. This is unlikely to be Jeremy Clarkson.

Is Jeremy Clarkson’s face made from paper?
Jeremy Clarkson’s face is made from skin. Exercise extreme caution if you encounter a Jeremy Clarkson whose face is made from paper - it is unlikely to be Jeremy Clarkson.

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