Billionaire stockpiling Porsche 964s due to ‘global restomod emergency’

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

A billionaire is stockpiling 964-generation Porsche 911s following escalating threats from the restomodding industry ‘hellbent on ruining every last one of them’, TopGear.com has learned.

Following government advice imploring the public to amass a number of household items in case of an emergency, the man pointed to the ‘existential crisis’ facing the global 964 community of tuning companies ravaging Porsche’s icon to the point of near extinction.

“We’re facing the greatest threat of the 964’s life, and if something isn’t done quickly, before long not a single 964 in the world will ever look like it did when Porsche first built them,” the man told TopGear.com.

“We’ve seen increasing numbers of 964s absolutely ruined by the aftermarket industry, and these attacks on Porsche’s most sacred model are only getting worse and more intense.

“If we don’t make concrete plans to safeguard their future, the world will be inflicted with yet another multi-million-pound restoration that basically just services an old car and adds contrast stitching and a monogram of Ferry Porsche on the dashboard, or some other twee affectation.

“Like one with specially sourced houndstooth fabric that costs nine times what Porsche would have charged you,” he added. “Or one with a modern GT3 boxer engine tuned to 1,000bhp bolted into the back of a car originally designed to handle a third of that.

“Or one that uses a shade of paint only ever applied once by a lunatic back in the 90s and is now somehow deified to the point of costing £50k to have it reapplied.

“Or one with replica Fuchs wheels bathed in milk sourced from cows that roam Stuttgart,” he added, with a sigh. “You see what I mean?”

The man has urged his like-minded billionaire friends to buy up the remaining stock of unmodified Porsche 964s and store them in a temperature-controlled warehouse in a hollowed-out mountain somewhere in a snowy part of Europe guarded by sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads.

“That way, when this all blows over, we can sell them to those pesky millionaires for ten times what we bought them for and move onto the next classic car,” the man added. “What’s a Gullwing going for these days?”