Exclusive: Triumph Stag V8 to be UK's next Eurovision entry

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

After once again finishing stone dead last at Eurovision, the UK will seek to end its dire recent record at the renowned song contest by entering a Triumph Stag V8 in 2027.

Instead of sending yet another obscure pop act to get utterly humbled by a whole continent with a tune that wouldn’t cut the mustard on a cruise ship full of old codgers, the UK will deploy a pristine Triumph Stag to woo Europe and also Australia for some reason with its thunderous V8 burble.

Insiders at the BBC – which selects the UK’s entry/tribute each year – believe there’s no way a V8-engined Stag can possibly be considered worse to listen to than a Scandinavian fisherman screaming a ballad about salmon, or whatever next year’s bookies’ favourite ends up being.

“We’re very excited about our chances in 2027,” said a source. “The United Kingdom gave the world The Beatles, Elton John, Shirley Bassey and Oasis, but even they cannot claim to have reached the sonic heights of an occasionally functional 3.0-litre V8 thrumbling away at 2,000rpm.

“No more will the British people and the world at large have to endure four minutes of pure cringe. This time it’ll be lights up, engine on tickover, a few bursts of throttle for the chorus, then sit back and watch the jury and public votes flood our way.

“As for staging, we’re going to stick the car on a turntable and get Joel Dommett to stand next to it looking bewildered. This seems to do it for the light entertainment crowd in this country, and we don’t see why it’ll be any different in Bulgaria next year.

“Ironically, ‘Bangaranga’ is exactly the sound the Stag makes when it blows a head gasket. If only we’d thought of this 12 months earlier.”