Want to speak 'car design'? Here's the Top Gear guide

What people say and what they mean are often very different.

If, for example, a work colleague starts an email with ‘I don’t want to make a fuss, but...’ this actually means they do want, and indeed are about, to make an enormous fuss.

When a doctor says, ‘this may sting a little’, what they in fact mean is ‘I am about to inflict upon you the worst pain that any human has ever felt’.

Car companies are no different. Automotive designers, for example, will never call a spade a spade, if they can instead call it ‘a manually actuated earth displacement solution with organically sculpted grip zone providing total command of the terrain interface’.

Here, then, is your guide to speaking car design:

“Radical simplicity”

We ran out of time to do the styling.

“Boasts a confident stance”

If you drive this car, no one will let you out at busy junctions.

“Purposeful styling”

Looks obnoxious.

“Sculpted by aerodynamics”

Looks a bit melty.

“Instantly recognisable”

Ugly.

“Challenges convention”

Really ugly.

“Timeless design”

Looks exactly the same as the old car.

“Evolution, not revolution”

Looks exactly the same as the old car, only with slightly squintier headlights.

“Family face with signature lighting”

Looks exactly the same as all our other cars.

“Bold colourways”

You will spend the next four hours on our online configurator, creating a purple and lime green monstrosity with mustard interior.

“Driver-focused cockpit”

We have provided no space to put your coffee.

“Cocoon-like interior”

We have also provided no space to put your elbows.

“Muscular haunches”

Too wide to fit in an Asda parking space. Or any other supermarket space.

“Commanding presence”

They’re still not letting you out at that busy junction.

“Brave, unconstrained creative thinking and unwavering determination”

Our designer has gone mad and is holding several staff members hostage in the studio. Please send help as soon as possible.