Mini Countryman JCW - long-term review

Hummer’s don’t hum. Infinitis don’t go on for ever. Genesis’s (Genesii?) haven’t been here from the start. Smart’s once were but are no longer. And Mini’s aren’t. No, car firms don’t fret about living up to their names. The Countryman is the biggest Mini there’s ever been. Have an electric one and it’s also the first to weigh over two tonnes.

But this isn’t electric. Not even a hybrid. It’s a JCW. Pure petrol power, and 296bhp of it, sent to all four wheels for 0-62mph in 5.4secs. Meaning it’s also the fastest Mini there is. Yeah, the biggest Mini is faster than the hot hatches.

But don’t be confused. For me this third generation Countryman is the first to have genuinely found its feet. I know, early days because this is my first report, but provided you park the snark regarding what a Mini should be, and approach it like owners do, wanting something with Mini characteristics but maxi practicality and, well, it works. Of course, this won’t stop me twisting the knife later on once I realise it’s actually - and this is in no way a spoiler alert - bigger than an original Range Rover. But for the time being I’ll cut it some slack.

Not for the way it looks though. I don’t mind the angular headlights, but I do object to the fake bonnet vents and power dome, plus that sort of earmuff section behind the rear doors. That would probably be less obnoxious without the red roof at least. I want to make it clear I didn’t spec it. It’s all a bit try hard, clear evidence that there is no British input left in the design. At least the Union Jack rear lights have gone. Actually technically they haven’t - delve into the menus and you can configure the dot matrix patterns in three ways - one of which is our national flag. Wide berth, please.

I’ll go into detail about the cabin when I’ve got more used to it, but I will say this. There’s lots of useful storage and decent space inside. At 500 litres, the boot is the same size as BMW’s giant iX or (perhaps more pertinently given how many of them you see around) a Jaecoo 7. Plus the rear seats slide and have tilting backrests. Not all of them do - that’s an option.

In terms of kit, it wants for nothing. Level 1 equipment is standard and acceptable, but I suspect most spend the extra £2,900 for Level 2. That’s the sweet spot with the 20in wheels and panoramic roof. Level 3 does the flim-flam of augmented reality sat nav, electric memory seats with basic massage, uprated driving and parking assistance, plus throws in a dynamic sweetener: better JCW cross-drilled brakes. Another £1,000 means this one has an electric tow bar tucked away.

The first time I drove it, I made an immediate note - it drives like you think a Mini should. Despite it’s size, the throttle and steering are alert, it turns quickly, carries itself well though corners, doesn’t slump or roll. Good. Not all Mini characteristics have been abandoned in the drive for size.