Final Fast & Furious movie to ‘return to roots’ by stealing trucks full of PS5s

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The final Fast & Furious movie will reportedly show a close-knit team of motoring enthusiasts use $500,000 modified cars to hijack trucks carrying $600 PS5 consoles, insiders have confirmed.

Keen to move away from the high-octane, implausible world of international espionage, explosions and inexplicable dialogue, the team behind the blockbuster franchise wanted to return to the humble charms of the original movie.

After discussing myriad plot devices and story arcs – including Toretto and co starting a restomod business doing old 911s, or destroying a town’s sinister EV charging network, or attempting to turn the cabin temperature down using a modern touchscreen – the team settled on stealing today’s must-have tech, Sony's PlayStation 5.

“This whole thing has gotten a little out of hand of late, no?” an insider close to production said. “Swinging across ravines in two-tonne cars, endless runways that unfold before you like the very fabric of the universe, towing bank vaults through congested city streets using super strong cables, the whole ‘space’ thing and… well, yeah. You get it.

“We’ve been desperate to bring it right back to its roots, but people kept lapping up stuff like a car jumping through skyscrapers or obscenely muscled adult men simply shrugging off fatal beat downs using garage tools and heavy concrete.

“Now’s the time – God, let it be time – to rein it all in. Thing is, today’s audience doesn’t understand what a ‘DVD’ is, let alone a DVD player, so we’ll do the modern equivalent, but pay homage to the original movie by using insanely modified and already expensive cars to do so. And deploy a really convoluted method of bringing down these trucks as opposed to just… blocking the road?

“Anyway. Parts are super expensive now because… inflation? Yeah, kids love a bit of inflation in movies. So the team have to steal loads of PS5 trucks. But that’s not enough. So we’ll get them to break into a factory that makes PS5s. But then they steal the factory using modified bulldozers and simply pick the entire building up.

“But then the building is secretly a government test facility for an AI army so the team take on a million humanoid robots using only their fists and quips like ‘how you do like them piston rings’ when suddenly the robots join forces to make a super robot shaped like a giant off-road troop carrier and then suddenly the robots escape to take over the country and then Dom and co will have to take down the government but the robots win and take over the world so Dom flies into outer space and destroys them all using a souped-up laser from the International Space Station while the team back on Earth have a big shoot-out with military helicopters but somehow avoid the death ray from above and then everything explodes until nobody is left.

“Then we’ll bring them all back in slo-mo dressed in evening wear for some reason and they’ll just-

“Oh, right,” the insider sighed. “Maybe we just watch them restore an old Nissan for two hours? But only using guns and headbutts?”