Man’s entire personality is his new Audi RS6

Here's TopGear.com's roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

A man’s entire personality revolves around his brand-new Audi RS6, sources can confirm.

The 30-year-old, who decided to spend most of his monthly income financing an RS6 because he lacks a fully rounded personality, is now physically incapable of disconnecting his entire being from that of a 592bhp estate car.

“Yeah, I’ve just bought an RS6,” he said, despite being asked how his day was going. “Like me, it’s a car that you just wouldn’t mess with. It’s a car that every road user fears and respects.

“Anyone who doesn’t recognise the danger that lurks behind those definitive flanks – wide enough to scrape against my parents’ driveway gate – will soon know the potency of a twin-turbo V8 handed up from Hell, especially when it’s 30cm from their rear bumper.

“Mine’s a Vorsprung Edition which costs well over a hundred grand, about a third of what my parents’ house is worth, which is also coincidentally where I’m living. The RS6 is, like me, a universal symbol of potency and dominion.

“It’s a car that commands admiration because if you roll in an RS6, like I do, nothing else matters, especially not your parents who are nagging you to take the bins out.”

The man, who is quickly realising how crippling the fuel bills, insurance, consumables and running costs are, was last seen weeping at a poster of an RS6 on his childhood bedroom wall.

“Yeah, he’s an idiot, but of course he is – he drives an RS6,” said the man’s father. “What he really needs to be successful is to get a BMW. Which I have.”