Range Rover’s air suspension survives vote of no confidence

Here's TopGear.com's roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his weekly, mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The P38 Range Rover’s air suspension has survived a vote of no confidence.

Following decades of consistent and systematic failures in lowering or raising the ride height of the second-generation luxury SUV, high-level insiders were said to have been offered no other choice than to hold an internal vote and look for a replacement.

A number of senior Range Rover parts said to include the engine, the gearbox and the four-wheel-drive system took issue with the air suspension’s very public and damaging failures in performance of its simplest duties.

But following a night of high drama, the air suspension survived the no-confidence motion. As a result of the close-run vote, its position now remains unchallenged until the owner can afford to fix it once again.

Addressing senior parts at a later debrief, the air suspension said: “It’s up to us, team Range Rover, to move past what I’m supposed to do, and instead come together to offer our illustrious owner the unbridled opportunity to fearlessly pursue their dream. Whatever that means.”

A back-bench passenger noted: “It promised to go up and down at the touch of a button but all I hear is that compressor failing yet again. Sigh.”

However, the air suspension found vocal support from the wiring loom. “I think this has shown conclusively that, just like me, the air suspension is fit for purpose and we should support it 100 per cent. And anyway, that engine can talk, I can smell the oil leak from up here.”

A local mechanic added: “Hahahahahahaha. Air suspension? On a Range Rover? Actually working? And you believed it? Hahahahahahahaha.

“That’ll be five grand please.”