Top Gear’s Top 9: cars with superb moustaches

BMW thinks moustaches will be back in fashion come 2040.

How do we know this? Because the 2021 i Vision Circular concept showcases what BMW reckons a city car will look like (and how it'll be built) in three decades.

The Circular is all about recyclable materials, sustainable manufacturing, and low waste. And we applaud all that. But we couldn't help notice that the light graphics up front resemble some magnificent 1970s face fuzz. Off with you, hipster beards. 'Taches are officially the future. 

Moustache rating: Tom Selleck

The ill-fated plug-in hybrid sports saloon offered many technical treats, but Henrik Fisker’s flagship was also blessed which a neatly slicked-back two-piece lip slug. So, it looked as clever on the outside as it was underneath.

Moustache rating: Kenneth Branagh in Murder On The Orient Express

Plump for the AMG-line bodykitted version of Mercedes’ all-electric SUV and you’re treated to a twirling, positively aristocratic piece of facial fungus that gives the car a cunning resemblance to a classic incarnation of Agatha Christie’s famous detective sleuth. 

Moustache rating: David Suchet as Hercule Poirot

The reborn 500’s neat chrome whiskers are an essential element of the retro city car’s friendly face. A babyface like this shouldn’t work with a ‘tache, and yet, here, it’s perfectly cast.

Moustache rating: Brad Pitt in Inglourious Basterds

Boo! Hiss! The (spoiler alert) chief villain of Pixar’s Cars movie is fairly obviously a moustache on wheels. Motorsport needs thicker face fuzz. The campaign starts here. Are you listening, Lando?

Moustache rating: Nigel Mansell

It appears here that Lincoln built a grille out of metal, and brawn, then had to build a classy car to fit on the back of it. We’re not even mad, that’s amazing. 

Moustache rating: Ron Burgundy

A classic to remind us that, occasionally, a massive BMW grille can actually appear rather elegant and exceptionally cool. The key is to make them longer, not taller. Now, how about that early 4 Series facelift? It could be fixed overnight. It’s a kind of magic. 

Moustache rating: Freddie Mercury

As if Chrysler’s hot rod-inspired family hatchback wasn’t bonkers-looking enough, the plastic bumper-equipped examples had a ‘tache so magnificent, shaving razor sales bombed fifty-three per cent overnight in the United States. We may have made that up. 

Moustache rating: Henry Cavill in Mission Impossible: Fallout

Remember the Prowler? The bizarre retro hot-rod/speedster mash-up was a real oddball, partly because it made do with a paltry V6 instead of a muscular V8, and partly because US crash legislation mandated the open-wheel front axle had to be protected by this military-grade bumper-tache. 

Moustache rating: Field Marshal Sir Douglas Haig, Commander of British Expeditionary Force 1915-1918