Authorities hatch evil plan to make urban living much nicer

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

A global conspiracy to clean up the air in cities by clamping down on the use of old bangers has been rumbled by a nameless internet user with no profile picture.

The user - who has identical accounts across multiple platforms and definitely isn’t a bot from a rogue state - has exposed the errant hypocrisy of multiple western governments prioritising the freedom to breathe fresh air over the freedom to plough CO2 and other harmful particulates into densely populated areas.

In a 4,000-word comment posted beneath a story about London’s ULEZ - which disgracefully focused on how fewer children are now at risk of lung disease, rather than the untold billions that have effectively been stolen from hard-working motorists - the largely punctuation-free missive has single-handedly brought down countless zero-emission zones around the globe.

With more than two decades of international groupthink on public health now collapsing in on itself, there has been widespread jubilation on social media as people celebrate a crushing victory for shorter life expectancy and ballooning waiting times to see a GP.

“The freedom to drive an old diesel from the early 2000s absolutely anywhere pre-dates the invention of the wheel,” insisted a lone placard-holder standing outside a government office in Whitehall. “Our forefathers, and their forefathers before them, enshrined this in the constitution. Seriously, it’s right there in the Magna Carta.

“Why anyone would want to breathe unsullied air if it meant paying £12.50 for the privilege of sitting in traffic for several hours a day is beyond me. Wake up, sheeple!”