Breaking news: after five days, Mercedes pits Hamilton for fresh tyres

Here's TopGear.com's roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his weekly, mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

Mercedes has finally pitted Lewis Hamilton for a fresh set of tyres at last week’s Miami Grand Prix, local eyewitnesses revealed today.

Hamilton, who was still lapping the newly-formed circuit on a set of hard tyres nearly a week after the rest of the F1 grid had packed up and left, finally got the call from his race engineer to 'box, box'.

Responding to Hamilton’s increasingly irate radio messages that he had been ‘left out here on these tyres way too long, man’ and ‘really needed a bathroom break, if anyone’s listening’, Merc engineers finally yielded and called in the seven-time world champion for a fresh set of softs, in what was described as an audacious bid to undercut his rivals.

“Much like with our new W13 F1 car, we’re trying another revolutionary concept we’re calling ‘strategy’,” a Mercedes insider exclusively confirmed to TopGear.com. “We’ve calculated there’s a 98 per cent chance of Lewis scoring points if we have one.

“With our older, actually fast F1 cars, we used to just send him out and say ‘it’s Hammertime Lewis’ every once in a while to keep the memes flowing. Now we’ve got an undrivable mobile chicane, we need to come up with some disruptive tactics, and frankly none of us can remember how."

Hamilton wasn’t alone during his epic stint around the Miami Dolphins car park. Eyewitness reports claim Nicholas Latifi is still out there, trying to lay down his first Q1 lap.